I need a place for all this anger. - Al-Anon Family Group

hopes314 · Senior Member

I need a place for all this anger.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Hope. Anger seems to be the name of the game in my family of origin and in families where alcoholism is prevalent and progressive. Besides alcoholism being the elephant in the room, my experience has been that the anger that most family members feel is another huge elephant in the room. All sorts of passive aggressive behaviors go on until somebody admits they feel angry like you are doing and want to deal with it - like you are doing. I have learned that anger won't go away just because I don't like it or try to stuff it or tell myself I'm wrong for feeling it when oftentimes it is an appropriate interior response to an outer experience that is in place to help me look at what changes I need to make to take better care of myself. Utilizing HALT, spending time alone in the prayer or meditation, talking things over with my sponsor, limiting my exposure to people with peculiar agendas or nasty habits that directly harm me, Step 3 and Step 11 all help me feel my feelings and listen for what is within my power to change without trying to change or control the other people in my life. My focusing on myself, feeling my feelings and letting them go with no judgment, and asking for help from my sponsor or others who understand the painful realities of being affected by alcoholism, I can much more easily make changes that help me honor my HP and me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of February 2014 07:39:13 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hope big hugs .. I so understand .. good grief do I understand. Part of my recovery program and it sounds stupid, .. it worked for me .. I wore a rubber band hair tie around my wrist and when the urge to say something snarky mean or even act out .. I pulled the rubber band. It was a way for me to get out of my feelings, which were/are real .. they may not be facts I do feel them .. and back to the present. It redirected me. Omgosh I used that while my stbax and I were together like no tomorrow. A couple of times I thought there would be bruises. I have to look at what I'm angry about .. especially if I'm dealing with past with my family of origin. Part of step 1 for me is, I'm powerless over other people places things and the past. Matter how bad I want to go back and rewrite the past it's an option. So accepting that the past is the past I can move forward. I'm still struggling to figure out how do I let go of the anger and forgive. I feel like if I still have the anger then the wrongs that were done don't go away. If i let it go .. the wrongs are gone too. So letting completely go I'm still working on. Hugs ..

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

The anger is because you are trying to change someone you can't change. You can only change yourself. The words Let Go Let God come in really handy when I'm angry at my SO. I can state my case without anger and then let it go. If nothing changes what more can I do? What I can do is take care of me and only me and makes changes for me. To get so angry doesn't work does it....it only makes you upset in the long run.

Look at my signature below and remember it the next time you want to let lose on someone....

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I read your comment on my post earlier and we are wrestling with the same issue. I so understand your frustration at him wanting to move on when nothing has been resolved in your mind. Ugh!! Infuriating! I truly believe my AH could lead Mother Teresa herself too cursing and screaming. Keep in touch and feel free to PM me if you can't keep it PG rated enough for the board. lol!!

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

The anger is the worst. I've constantly felt it bubbling under the surface, watching him make mistakes and trying to control everything. But I can't. Which makes me even madder. "If he would just do X, Y, and Z this would all be over and everything would be ok!" But, well, it probably wouldn't be. There is no one big fix. There is no band-aid. I can only do what is best for me, and decide what I can live with and what I can't.

I'm afraid I can't offer much advice other than taking time for yourself when you feel that anger coming on. Try and do something that will make you happy, or get away from the situation. You're not alone.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Resolving anything with an A, em if you find that answer let me know. For me its more about resolving things within me so that I dont care what the A thinks or not and then there is no resolving to be done.

I had seething anger for my A, I felt it would overtake me at one time. I have learned though that I can never ever take it out on my kids, not anymore. I did do this before Alanon out of sheer frustration. I am living this program to make sure I don't behave in that way anymore, I take responsibility for my actions and my kids are damaged enough without me continuing to add to the mess.

I still get frustrated and angry but I write it out now. I write letters to everyone, my whole family, friends, people at work. Letters that I never send telling them how annoyed I feel at them then I tell them I forgive them and I list their assets. It works like a dream. Anger, resentment, frustration - gone!!!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I let the anger out by ranting and raving in my car when I was alone; directing words and anger at the person who drove me there, but saying them only to the air around me, I drove and ranted; I had different conversations with the offending person - one benefit of doing so brought me to the realization that no matter HOW I said something, he wasn't going to get it, I wasn't going to be able to MAKE him see what I was trying to get him to see! I also walked a lot - hard pushing myself in the dark ranting and raving - choosing the dark because no one can see you chattering madly at yourself. I can also let out a lot of steam cleaning house.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW...good replies you got, I can't add much except to say that i am an alanon, acoa, coda b/c of severe and sustained child abuse, drunk/ragig/abusive mother...won't even go into the male parent....pure evil....and marrying into it just added to the funeral pyre that was my life....

when i got into recovery, i realized just how pee o'd I was....at life....at God....of course at the offender and my mother....I mean I had a list of re-wounders i was angry at...I just had to go through each one and each offense and get the emotions out....i got into recovery in '02 and it took a few years to get past the out rage enough to WANT to change it, to desire to let it go....I had to go through steps big time to route out each hurt...each time i got angry and had to stuff it, i had to get it all out...like a deep infection, I had to exorcise and scrape until i got to the "muddy basin" of my heart and let the sun of recovery and the communal love i get to shine on it and dry up all that bottom that was just covered w/ MUCK

now, I deal with it on a current basis...when angered, i work a quick step 10 and see is it past?? another trigger i need to work out??? or is it a current situation over which i need to set an internal boundary with in me, for me to stand up for and protect me...

I am less mad b/c i cut loose the people who were in my life who treated me badly....i just cut them loose...some i had warned that the "recovering me" will not accept this behaviour and I am walking if things don't change....and I walked.........some i just walked w/out saying anything b/c I knew it would do no good

writing letters i did not send helped me w/the ones who were deceased or too far away or too toxic to approach....i just "wrote" them and then ceremoniously burned them , like casting them away, the burning was a nice touch....I would burn the letter over the toilet and then flush the remains......nice touch and it was for ME...not to impress anyone, but i gotta laugh...one hot ash landed on my toilet seat and now i have this brown spot to remind me that the loo is a good place to flush down toxins that did NOT originate in my body

that and working on me...setting boundaries....taking care of and protecting me, being proactive about self care helps me greately.....I think I do have a sort of feistyness that is natural....like my fuse can be pretty short when it comes to abuse and lies....zero tolerence for it , and add thievery to that list....those things i am not forgiving of....lived with it growing up...won't do it now

as to your A??? there is no purpose in trying to reconcile/reason with an active A.....I would , if I were with an A, take my anger out by working the steps, going to meets, talking w/my sponsor, and maybe screaming in a pillow, writing a real ballistic letter, telling him off or taking a stick and beating the couch, getting the anger out, but not for any other purpose but to rid you of all that energy that anger creates......it is good you are aware of the anger....the next step is accepting it and then doing right action to take care of you...

hope this post made sense....had a dog with the "green apple quick step" all last night, cleaning up my tile floors and thus hardly any sleep.......

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hugs))))) Hope,

I find it so frustrating. For example I got a load of passive aggressive banter this morning, the type of thing that used to have me climbing the walls. I'm still upset by it, but this time I took myself off for a really lovely walk with the dog. In fact, these days I find I'm doing much better by gifting myself something sweet whenever I get wound up with bitter anger. I've promised myself that the gift will always be in equal measure to the crazy behaviour of AH. As a result I'm almost looking forward to his next BIG wrong move!!

As far as the residual stuff is concerned I find that writing a letter to AH and then burning it has helped.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

So I said to my sponsor..."I hate feeling anger"!! and he responded. "If feeling angry all the time makes you feel bad, feel the opposite of anger and then feel good". "What is the opposite of Anger"? asks I; to which he replies "Acceptance". "Not accepting the morality of the situation or even the character of it...and just the "fact" of it. It is what it is...it's happened...let it pass". When I can remember to feel acceptance before I react to anger I don't feel angry. When I can remember to "Don't react" I will choose acceptance before anything else. Just for me. Imagine a trash can with the label "Acceptance" on it and use appropriately. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 3rd of February 2014 07:32:06 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

So I said to my sponsor..."I hate feeling anger"!! and he responded. "If feeling angry all the time makes you feel bad, feel the opposite of anger and then feel good". "What is the opposite of Anger"? asks I; to which he replies "Acceptance". "Not accepting the morality of the situation or even the character of it...and just the "fact" of it. It is what it is...it's happened...let it pass". When I can remember to feel acceptance before I react to anger I don't feel angry. When I can remember to "Don't react" I will choose acceptance before anything else. Just for me. Imagine a trash can with the label "Acceptance" on it and use appropriately. (((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 3rd of February 2014 07:32:06 PM

As usual, Jerry, you hit the ball out of the park w/this wonderful share.....I am not "trashing" any of it....this is the exact thing that I was taught to get past the bulk of my old anger which literally infected all parts of my life.........Mahalo, my good recovery mate....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I find no reason to be angry at a disease. Once I accepted/learned they have a disease, and learned more about being an addict, my compassion soared.

They cannot control it anymore than we can. We hope for a time that they have a chance to be able to ask for help and work hard to get on a program to help them stay clean and sober.

It's the situation and behavior that we hate, not the person. It does not care.

researching what drugs do to the body helped too. Learning it is in their dna to have a predisposition to be an A was so mind blowing. the more people in your past family history that were A's the bigger chance you have to be an a.

hope this helps some, love,debilyn

Tricia911 · Senior Member

Hopes,

We all work our own path to recovery. For me getting that anger out was very important. In the beginning I could not even tell you specifically why I was angry as a junk yard dog. After I started writing and journaling I figured out why I was angry, by continually asking myself "Why?" Why Am I angry, Why does that matter to me. What I found was most of it was due to fear. Lots of fear. Once I was able to ID the anger it started flowing away and acceptance flowed in. That is not to say I dont get angry now. I still do, But now I can step back and look at it for what it is, a symptom of something deeper going on. At least for me.

Hugs, Tricia

hopes314 · Senior Member

It was so nice to read some very awesome replies to my Anger/Rage defect.
I used to be calm and think before I reacted. I just act like a crazy person now.
This is such good information that I can read every night to help me change and cope. Heart felt thanks....

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

My anger was so misguided yesterday. I seemed to be mad about everything in life. I definitely was not happy. Usually I can get mad and move on but this stuck to me. I know where the anger is from which will never get resolved.

How do you get rid of anger in the healthy way?

when I'm angry in life about everything, I recognized first that anger was really unhealed resentments .. harms either i or others had done through the years that i stored in me .. The only way i have ever found to heal anger is through working the 12 steps .. nothing gets removed just like that .. for me or anyone who works the steps ? the healthiest way is to work steps 1 thru 3 first with sponsor and then list and review through 4th step .. the 4th step is the door .. it's the process of detaching with love from me .. my years of carried baggage, my blames, my hurts, etc .. recognizing i was hurt through the years, my feelings were hurt .. not as in boohoo someone hurt me but hurt as in harm .. damage .. the 4th step opens new doors in me .. the 5th with a sponsor helps me explore and see the 'whys .. step 6 is asking god to remove defects, 7 asking him to remove shortcomings .. 8 making a list of others we've harmed . 9 being willing to make the amends .. 10 continuing self inventory 11 searching through prayer and 12 ? finally being able to carry something other than anger, harm, resentments, .. we carry hope, love, healing, joy .. we are freer to do so ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

the steps work if we work them .. even forgiveness truly includes all 12 steps .. i am still in a process of healing and cleaning out .. in another 4th on a deeper level today .. realizing i need to keep going to the grocery store (higher power) for bread .. it's why i come here .. i get fed .. it's why i go to god, etc .. i get fed .. higher power works through us all .. (( hugs to you )) anger is also fear .. and a cycle of grief .. we lose so much when effected by the thinking disease of another and of ourselves .. without meetings and step work, i am limited .. need higher power to remove my limitations .. even the removal is a process, not an event ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

when i say limited, i mean for me i am limited to anger, confusion, resentments, secret blame, obsession worry, you name it .. !

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.