setting boundaries - Al-Anon Family Group

texasgal · Senior Member

setting boundaries

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If this is the first time you've set a boundary and stuck to it - especially in a matter like this - to me it is HUGE step you took. And a good one! You are letting him experience the consequences of his choice not to pay the light bill. You didn't take his consequence on for him. Wow!!!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

That's what I was thinking .. first time going this is a HUGE boundary! Good for you in doing it in a mean what you say .. say what you mean and not saying it mean! Hugs!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Boundaries are really really tough to stick with. We feel sorry and give in many many times. The first time I stuck with a boundary I almost died inside...lol But you know what it passed and the world didn't end. Yeah the A got upset but he found a way around it.....guess what HE HAD TO.

Your doing good.....the first is always the hardest but it get easier and easier as time go's on.

(((( hugs ))))

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 4th of February 2014 12:19:04 AM

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Good work! It was the right thing to do for both of you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Inspiring, I still mess up when it comes to boundaries. Thanks for sharing.x

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Huge congratulations - that was a good boundary to hold and I hope you are standing proud

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

texasgal wrote:
. I didn't hear from him until 11:50 at night he texts me if I can pay the bill and he will pay me back. Luckily I was asleep and I didn't see the message until the morning. I texted a recover friend and she confirmed I needed to stick to my boundary. I haven't heard from him so who knows what he is doing. I know I vented and I'm sorry. But finally after all this time I was able to carry out a boundary. I have lived in my own apt almost two months and I have my own bills to take care of and I don't have extra money to give to him. Im not going to enable his drinking. Its a small step but its a baby step forward. I thank the program, alanon friends and this boards. Thank you :)

NICE work....letting him reap the consequences of his actions or inactions is the kindest thing, I think, we can do for the other person....be they A or just dysfunctional, it does not matter...I am responsible for me....me only.....i will give a "boost" to another who is trying to help themselves and they have a good history of being responsible, AND i have met my needs first and can afford to do or give to the other, but I check my motives first AND take a look at the situation...is this something they can do and just shirked b/c they know they can get another to pay/help??? if so?? i let them reap what they sow......we in recovery, if we are working a real program....we know...we know the difference between an honest gift to a person in strife who is making honest effort to help themselves, and the ones who want enabling.....we all get "needy" at some time or another...even those of us who are really trying and yea, I will help what I can...no worries...but the active A's who are not in recovery, or the dysfunction junction inhabitants who think life is a free ride and everyone is to baby sit them????? nope.....they made that bed....they lie in it....

Just my take and what I do, please use what you can and leave the rest...

Tricia911 · Senior Member

Nice job of not enabling your A and sticking to your boundaries.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't it funny how sometimes small steps to us are really big, and vice versa. I think this seems so big to the rest of us because it is inspiring! I've had this kind of boundary and texting tango in my life with AW, and have had many failures at it, so when you come in and stick to a boundary I feel like maybe, just maybe, it's something I can do now!

Congrats

Kenny

MorningGlory · Veteran Member

In true Texas fashion, you did it BIG, good work on setting and upholding that texasgal boundary,
this was really huge!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a win!! Yay!! Duplicate it. Practice, Practice, Practice. Good Program. (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sooo happy you have your own place!!! Also congrats on what you called a small step! It is a huge one as far as I am concerned. It's great you shared it too, shows us it can be done. Look at all this growing!!

Hey he is an adult, let him figure it out. You are an adult and you did! Not going to kill him not to have power. give him money? like you are going to do that? HOw did ya feel when you realized ya slept thru your "chance" to bail him out? lol bet you were like, well that wasn't so bad was it! didn't hurt a bit!

congrats! hugs, debilyn

hopes314 · Senior Member

This is how you do it by letting them figure it out. I have to tell myself no no no enable because they will do the fancy walk and talk to make us change our mind.
What is huge is that you got your own peaceful haven!

I find it so hard and scary to set boundaries and you did it.
We got to take care of ourselves.. this is a very hard lesson I am learning.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

thats not a small step, its a huge one! and you took it like a pro! :)

Now, the boundary wasn't put on him, it is a boundary you put on yourself... I won't pay the electric bill, if he can't then he does without lights. You honored YOURSELF and your boundary.

John

texasgal · Senior Member

Thank y'all for the wonderful replies :) I feel good I stuck to my boundary. I was feeling a little blue tonight then I came onto the board and read all the encouraging replies. Moving forward one step at a time :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.