Feel Like Crap Tonight - Al-Anon Family Group

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Feel Like Crap Tonight

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

WOMF:

I am hearing you. Wishing you encouragement and support--I understand not wanting a financial tie in such a tenuous situation and I understand the difficulty in making the decision to file for divorce.

I hope it's possible for you to shelf some of your worries tonight, get a restful sleep and see it all with a fresh perspective in the morning.

((((MrsFixit))))

yanksfan

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs womfix, please take care of you and don't beat yourself up. It is completely reasonable to want to protect yourself. He's so newly into recovery .. he has only begun to heal and it will take a long time to gain back what has been lost. You deserve to heal in peace and figure out what you want. Hugs s ;)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I appreciate you and your concerns. If I were in your position, I guess I'd be weighing if peace of mind in gaining my financial freedom was worth the divorce action to me. And if I wasn't certain, I'd probably turn the whole matter into God's hands using both the 3rd and 11th step to guide me. As far as how he sees you - sister - the only opinion that truly matters is yours and your HPs. I have let other people's opinion of me sometimes bring me down. Remembering that their opinion of me is none of my business and validating myself has helped a lot. You are a good person with a good heart who is working a solid program. Of course you feel sad. This is a time of grieving for you. It isn't what you wanted in relationship to him. This stuff hurts. Sending you lots of encouragement, support and understanding.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Her defiant and unsympathetic response says it all about where he's at in his recovery, doesn't it?

It's never easy. Hugs.

hopes314 · Senior Member

Oh I so get you and understand the void of validation is not received.
It is so hurtful because I am going through this too.

I am not sure how I can wrap myself around my A who wants to move forward because he certainly doesn't want to face anything they have done in the past.

For me I don't think he can possibly make up the hurt he has cause me. He can say he is sorry until the cows come home and it wouldn't cover an inch of my anguish and pain. All I can say is thank goodness for alnon women to bring back the love and comfort back in my life.
I guess this means I want to forgive him and I want this pain off my shoulders. It sure is super heavy. I guess i am not ready yet.

I know I have a plan to be financial not attached to my A. I just can't do a divorce.
It is a very good boundary. It must have been hard to put out to him..

Only time will show you the plan.
Hope

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

His being prone to obsinance and selfish viewpoints also contributed to his becoming an alcoholic as well. You are right that it's going to take a LONG time for him to change if he ever does. For the sake of compassion only so that you don't carry anger around: I'm guessing some of his BS is just a protective measure. His ego is so fragile yet poofed out at the same time. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in a few good men: He can't handle the truth. It's taking all his energy to get up move foward, not drink, go to work and so forth and he doesn't have it in him to develop into a humble and empathic person this quickly - if ever. That comes with more stepwork and time. So....I would view him as having the same mentality as a child on a playground in your dealings with him. Also, that last bout may have damaged his brain in some subtle ways. It was a trauma to him in some ways to lose control that badly and the mind wants us to minimize and forget trauma like that.... Sadly, it isn't healthy to forget when it comes to alcoholism.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Wanted to thank everyone for their responses.They helped. For some reason, I didn't want to share this with anyone physically in my life. It was a me, God and MIP moment. It was a bad night though. I tossed and turned and the frustration was extreme. By midnight, I took an anxiety medication so I could sleep. It worked but I feel depression tapping me on the shoulder this morning. The thought crossed my mind that I could take another pill today and sleep instead of getting up and battling through another bad weather day where my thoughts are as gloomy as the weather. I'm up though but it's definitely one of those one minute at a time kind of days. Have been praying for something hopeful to help me keep going. Thanks for the support.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I can completely understand your not wanting any financial ties and also your feeling tired after such a brave step. When you are trying to get to sleep tonight remember that your back up team is here

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I have realized that there are questions I will never have answers to, hurts that will never be truly apologized for and my actions will always be distorted to fit his rewritten version of history where I am the bad guy and he is the good guy. I'm not prepared to settle for spending my life with a man who misunderstands me so badly especially when I am told by all of the literature that the understanding may never come even with long term sobriety.
------------------------------------------
Oh this is a bad place to be... I remember and many days this all keeps coming back to me too. My AH joined AA in 2000, the same year I joined AlAnon. The sentences you wrote are still valid for me. Questions with no answers, hurts not apologized or acknowledged and a rewritten version of history. Learning who I am in AlAnon and all my friends at my meetings are what have changed for me.

I totally lost respect for and trust in the hubby to "have my back". I know who he is and I know I can't change that. Sooooooo....like it says in AlAnon I have to change something or else I have all the same crap. I can only change me. My goal is to be happy. I mostly am happy.

This was a weekend for me that I had moments of pure rage against him (all for past sins that are not acknowledged) and I have to walk away and find something that I like. When the rage feelings come I recognize them and I know where it comes from and what I have to do. I get really angry when he tries to control me! For example, this year has been a terrible year for us in Michigan for snow and I live where this year we have had a ton of blowing, drifting snow on our driveway. I said I was going to plant some trees as a hedgerow/snow fence and he said "no", and I looked at him and said, "It's MY house and I can plant any da^^ trees I want to plant". And the rage began. It's little things like that that bring out the greater, bigger rage and I know it is about history that will never be rectified.

Keep on going to AlAnon. It works. I say it saves my hubby's life..... just kidding a little bit...

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Milkwood, as a Peanuts fan, your picture warmed my heart. Maryjane, yours was thought provoking and I actually laughed out loud at your last line, even in my black cloud mood. :D

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Its hard to feel like that isn't it? We don't need it or want it. I sure know how you feel. Believe me you will feel better about yourself when you go file and get away from this situation. You are right, you will never get what you need from him.

For me, I learned to get what I need by giving it to myself. If someone nice came along it would be extra. Right now I am building back up from letting a bad situation go. Would rather be here alone, than hoping for something that will never come.

He is still trying to control you. Your boundary is sound. Hey we can remarry if we want to. Sounds strange, but right now if that is the way to go, I feel I would do it. I did in fact. I am not sorry either.

If for some crazy reason you guys got back together in the future, so be it.

hang in there, to thine own self be true, hugz debilyn

tortuga · Senior Member

I understand how you feel. and if this is how you feel today, you have the full right to do so. Maybe you are not ready YET to take more final decisionsand that's ok. It took me some time to get a feeling for the changes that happened with my growing consciousness. You are on the good pathto be your true beautiful Self. ye, maybe he knows about your weaknesses from the past, they are good in that. But does he realize what strength you are capable of. You are growing, and you are growing strong. And you doing for yourself what you need to do for yourself. Don't give up, not now, not yet. it's a process. Just don't stop listening to your inner gut. Yes, he will never apologize, not as long he doesn't work a recovery program.his loss.. that doesn't mean you don't deserve a nice treatment from your loved one. He is crippled, hurt, lonely, fighting something he thinks he can do on his ownlet him. You don't even have to be around when he hits rock bottom. Yes, i even think today it's better if they do that all on their own, they might have better chances to feel the consequences. You deserve something nice, good, healthy, calm. Go get itit's out there. wishing you a lot of patience, and growth.
in support

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Thanks!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Good post and thank you for sharing. I relate and especially echo Maryjane's first two sentences. I'd like to add that it is not that I am misunderstood, it is that because of the disease my exAH wishes to misunderstand. So, it is a misunderstanding of his choice because it is to his benefit. This allows him to create a further ripple in the distortion that he can (further) assume the role of a victim and the disease is fed, grows, and is hungry again. If I accept this, then I'm allowing him to dump on my side of the street and encouraging more of the same like a red flag to a bull.

I take action by doing the next right thing and it doesn't always feel good. My exAH "forced" the divorce and then blamed me, says I couldn't of ever loved him or I wouldn't have divorced him, says he is the victim, etc. He will not see the truth as I and my HP know it and I have learned to accept that it's ok and what he thinks doesn't matter; I no longer wish to devote my life to trying to get him to understand, I no longer seek approval. I did the next right thing for me and our daughter, I took care of myself and I'm ok with that.

Keep on doing what is right for you and remember HALT. I never thought I'd say this, but the negative feelings do pass and make room for serenity.

((Hugs))

In support.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

How are you doing today, WOMFI? Thinking of you.

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

Good point regarding the choosing to misunderstand, bud. Grateful, I am feeling better than this time last week but I'm afraid that even though we are still reasonably discussing this issue and it's not off the table, I didn't stick to my boundary as stated. :( Trying to be forgiving of myself though and realize that assertive, my needs first behavior does not come naturally to me especially when I'm not in anger mode. Thanks for checking up on me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Thanks for the update. I'm glad you are feeling better.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.