The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like the process is sort of like wading into chilly water. I take it really slow... sometimes I stop and let myself warm up to it a bit. I sometimes walk back out. Sometimes I just dive in : )
When you take a peek at something fragile and delicate, it's okay to just gently set it back on the shelf to look at in more detail again later. I'm finding out that I sometimes need to protect myself with SOME layers of denial again, so I can let it wash through my subconscious first. Then when I bring it back into my consciousness and awareness again - I'm a little more used to it - and there isn't so much shock, and I don't buck at the changes in me that it brings. For me, this over developed way of handling shock has two parts. I am an adaptable creature to change - but change is never welcomed when there is remnants of fear. This comes from too much shock in life : (
To walk bravely and courageously into recovery, I must find faith. I know that I can find my faith in living the principles of the program and practicing the steps on a daily basis. I know that if I live in accordance to what I believe the qualities the God of my understanding has - I will find the courage to accept the things I can not change, and be granted the wisdom to know the difference. *sometimes* hehe ; )
I've heard it said that this is a simple program.
Er um.
I beg to differ!!!
This is the hardest work one can do - and it has been sprung from hardship. Nothing easy about it - but faith can be simple. Let go - let God. Live & Let Live
This is the hardest work one can do - and it has been sprung from hardship. Nothing easy about it - but faith can be simple. Let go - let God. Live & Let Live
I plan to do it anyway!!
simple but oh so difficult...sounds like a oxymoron, but its true....in my unfaithfulness I sought faith and am finding it slowly....i like the analogy of the wading gently in a chilly pool.....sometimes I can just jump in and go for it...other times I have to kinda ease my way in.....this program journey for me has been the most difficult challenge I could ever face....in lots of ways it is worse then the abuse...during the abuse I could shut down, deny, numb or zone out...I could "go away in my mind" but in program, recovery I had to come out..be honest..brutally honest w/me, my HP and my sponsor and the program body.....i had to face and feel feelings that had been in deep freeze so long you could see freezer burn on them......when they first erupted, I thought I would deydrate from the tears...flowing tears for the first time lasted 12 hours....I could not urinate, i shed so much fluid through my tears....that scared me...it made me afraid for a while to feel again, but the feelings came anyway....tears again, but not s bad....bad but not knocking me to bed for the rest of the day.......oh yea, i remember it all to well, the pain, god awful searing pain of facing my horrendous pain and FEELING it....i knew i had to "birth" myself if I was to progress....i had to GO through it to GET through it.....I still cry over my losses, betrayals, etc., but it is not the almost disabling grief that I first felt.....it lessens with time...i recover from the "episode" quicker.....I got this far, HP led me this far, I aint giving up now.....I am in it for the long haul......I deserve it....
I can literally say, i lived TWO lifetimes in this one body....Now I am on my 2nd lifetime and it offers hope, laughter, truth, better safety, dignity, my being able to be and embrace the real me...
Nice post, Tash.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think it is simple, its us that complicate it. We are complex and interpret it our own way and even our interpretation differs from day to day depending on our own experiences, moods and even hormones but the program is solid, it stays the same. If Im struggling with my recovery then I know I have things to deal with within myself. When I keep doing the next right thing then the program is so easy to follow. Great post, I will give this more thought.x
I think it is simple, its us that complicate it. We are complex and interpret it our own way and even our interpretation differs from day to day depending on our own experiences, moods and even hormones but the program is solid, it stays the same. If Im struggling with my recovery then I know I have things to deal with within myself. When I keep doing the next right thing then the program is so easy to follow. Great post, I will give this more thought.x
Very good poins, el-cee....for me I say it was hard b/c of all the pain i had to purge from my system...however the 12 steps are the 12 steps...aca, alanon, coda, I am sure AA and NA are basically the same...the slogans....the principles of the program, yes, I am my own worst enemy......that internal saboteur rears its head......I also think Tasha was spot on as well......I am human so I make it hard, a simple program, I make hard, usually due to some "ism" that I have not yet worked on.....When I am connected w/my Core self, I can tell...I am serene, balanced, in sync with the rhythms of life, I can accept the ups and the downs......I just wish I was in sync more often, LOL
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I have found a new freedom from the agonizing control and change I attempted to have over my A. My new freedom was letting go of this futile task, which kept me sick and codependent. Is it hard work? Hell yes. Do I have to practice everyday? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Yes and yes. I am devoted to my recovery and I have respect for everyone else walking these shoes. OMG. I had no idea how low I sank and what it's taken to feel better. But it's working. I love what we say at the end of our F2F, about keep coming back because it works if you work it and you're worth it! Lyne
Tasha...What you said!! but faith can be simple.Here in lies the key, the solution. When I first got here faith was one of the least assets I ever used and then I couldn't rely on my own self anymore. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what was going on. I had nothing and no one else but the program I didn't know anything about and the strangers in the room. The only other alternative for me at that time was to just lay down and hold my breath until it was all over. Faith became simply my only alternative and so I reached out to complete strangers and ask, "Can you please help me"? I had never done that before and had no other alternatives of my own. I was powerless and they seemed not to be. I surrendered and I kept coming back. I still keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
