He's mad because I don't trust him (still) - Al-Anon Family Group

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

He's mad because I don't trust him (still)

Tricia911 · Senior Member

Spider,

I have learned being honest with myself and my A is the best way for me. He knows I don't trust him, and he is working on bettering himself so I can learn to trust him again. Trust is hard to get back once it is broken. But, I honestly believe it can be done with open honest communication. Which is my goal.

I also look at what is mine to fix. I cant fix his mad..........His issue. I can work on my trust issue.........my issue.

Hugs, Tricia

Miamamamia · Member

Trust is a huge one and once broken so hard to get back but it is possible , I was there and took a long time but I have reached that spot where I can trust , hang in there , you are right throwing the drinking in his face will not help him at all, if he's trying to heal stay with us , turn to your higher power and ask him to guide you in trusting again,

Hugs Mia

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You are right. He is right. There is no trust. We are human. We look at history to know if we should trust something or not. His history tells you that he was untrustworthy. He has to make a NEW history for you to follow. It will come back as long as he doesn't mess something up. You will begin, slowly, to trust again. First on little things and then on big things.

But don't beat yourself up because you don't trust him. Instead, trust your HP that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Let go and let your HP handle your trust issues and your hubby's trust issues.

The hubby can't force you to trust him. He can't yell at you loud and long enough so that you will trust him again. Time will heal this.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Spider

Alanon face to face meetings, keeping the focus on yourself,working the Steps with a sponsor, living one day at a time,and trusting HP has helped me to learn how to live with detachment and love. Trust is earned and should not be given lightly.

Please trust the process and remember that you are not alone.

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 08:33:47 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I saw this and it all became so clear. When we go thru trauma, we change. Nothing is the same. For me this fits so well. I read your share and thought of you.sending you love, debilyn

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I asked about trust at a meeting one time .. how do you trust someone who is not trustworthy. My stbax opens his mouth and lies fall out .. it's just part of who he is at this point. I still go back to what Jerry has shared in the past about qualified trust and taking it very slowly. I love how people who break trust think and believe they are given the right to be trusted again .. NOW! If i don't then there is something wrong with me .. umm no .. lol .. that Is a healthy response to unhealthy behaviors. . The reality is .. for me ... it's an emotional intimacy that has been violated .. and now it Is their job to show me through actions they are trying or not to show me they can be trusted. I have a right to trust whom I want to trust and I don't have to explain why I do or don't. I reserve the right to change my mind as well and give them more or less trust based upon the new information i receive. I do trust my higher power .. I do trust myself .. to know when a situation is safe or not. It was/is a learning, a slow one at that, process that has taught me to make sure I am listening with my eyes. If someone asks me do I trust my stbax .. absolutely not .. I trust he will do what he has to do and no more than that .. nothing absolutely nothing more than he's required to do and he's proven that over and over. I should be living in the show me state .. lol .. show me don't tell me. I can change my behavior in terms of trusting my HP ..I will know what I need to know when I need to know it. As well as what are my boundaries and how am I teaching others to treat me. I have allowed unacceptable behavior from myself and others in the past .. I can change my behavior and allow others to deal with theirs. Hugs .. s :)

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I have learned in program to trust God and myself . What anyone else does really dosent matter , what matters is how I deal with it . Just my opinion Louise

hopes314 · Senior Member

I so love the plate analogy.
Trust so hard too much overwhelming afraid to do even when he is recovery which I found he still lies. I guess a bad habit that will take him forever to break.

Because of living with an A I am awarded with all these emotional issues that I have to own and to slowly took at and figure what to do with each one.
Sometimes when I can't I give it to God to help me. It is way too big for me to do, but not impossible for God.

All of these values --core beliefs I held so dear--- have been trampled on but I know I am the one that has to live with me and only me can figure out what to do with each one.. solo big on my plate.

Right now I don't believe anything he says.. and He has to live with that..

For me, I have to learn to trust what I am thinking to be true or not.. that is a hard place to be not knowing is it true gets tossed in my mind.
Hope

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