Letting go - Al-Anon Family Group

Saleschic721 · Newbie

Letting go

Tricia911 · Senior Member

Saleschic,

Looks like you have taken the first step. You are here. That is good. For me getting to a face to face meeting was very helpful. It gave me new people in my support network and also let me know I was not alone. I found those things very helpful. But everyone goes about recovery in different ways. I also found the book "How Al-Anon works" to be most helpful. Good luck with your journey. I would encourage you to check out our meetings on here as well.... great support and growth is there to be found.

Tricia

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi, welcome!

That was a great honest share, thank you.

My first thought was self love, self respect. Sometimes for me I have to work on loving the me HP gave. When the A tears us down it hurts! They are very sick, then they want us to be sick too.

So working on my self respect and esteem helps me to be able to make the steps to making change.

There are great self help books you can get that will ask you questions so you can learn about yourself.Dr. Phils site has some good tests you can take too.

We don't realize till after awhile how sick the A's disease is making us. Sounds like you have woke up and do not want to live like this anymore.

I built myself up, worked on me. Did lots of counseling, got those books and workbooks.

Be kind to yourself! what makes you put up with this? These phone calls for favors? What makes one read his texts or answer his calls? Maybe ask yourself that.

Al Anon is all about us, what we can do to make our lives no longer have insanity in them, and not allow it back in when they do leave.

We give ourselves OUR needs.

I am sorry this relationship went sour, sadly ones with A's usually do, especially when they are drinking or using other drugs.

I used to take my kids on day trips, just them and me. Was great. I wanted them to have all my attention, I sure did not want a man to babysit. That was how I felt at that time about men.

As I grew to take care of me, went back to college, worked full time, I got where I had NO desire for someone who did not value me.

I like to put my goals on paper make a circle, write the goal in the middle. ex go back to work, then a line off from this circle make another smaller circle, write what job do I want, then maybe a job i am home when the kids are home. another circle, how much do I need to make to make it.

come here, vent things out. If you want to include us keep coming. I would honestly start out by taking an inventory of myself,by counseling, books, talking to friends etc.

hugz! debilyn

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,
We call your awareness of your situation "step one". What that means is that you know you can't do this anymore. Reaching out to us is great. Read all the posts and learn. We are all at different stages of our walk through life but we all know exactly what you are going through. Keep coming here and reading. Find an AlAnon meeting in your town and just walk in on it and sit in a chair. You won't have to say anything if you don't want to. Get to know the ladies and men at the meetings and listen to the ones that make sense to you. After a while you will know what you have to do for you. Keep coming back and keep taking care of yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

HiSaleschic

Welcome to MIP and AlAnon

I suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is found in the white pages. It is at al anon meetings that I learned that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which I was powerless.

As a result of connecting with this disease I too have become affected and need a program of recovery. Alanon is that program. Here and at face to face meetings I learned to: Keep the focus on myself, respond to situations, and not react, live one day at a time filled with faith in my HP and constructive supportive people to share and interact with.

You are not alone and there is help

Ifnotforgrace · Veteran Member

You are grieving the loss of "what could have been" which is where the pain is coming from. In Al-Anon, we learn to see things as they are and not as we wish they were. You are to be congratulated for having done that. Yet there has been a loss and feeling those feelings is ok. Grief is the appropriate response to loss. A break up is like a death, only we get no funeral, no friends supporting us and consoling us. When we have been wounded we need to be extra gentle with ourselves so we can heal properly and not carry so much baggage into the next relationship we enter, be that with an employer, a new friend or romantic interest. No one wants bitter or needy hanging around them. We have to be proactive in our own recovery, yet we need that emotional time to heal.

There are 5 stages to grief and they do not always come in this order Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Finally Acceptance. So the feelings you describe are very much...Normal :)

Acceptance is another principle we learn in Alanon. The trouble with acceptance is..whatever it is we need to accept is automatically something we don't like. Nobody has to accept nice weather, or a pretty day or a windfall..We can easily do that. So IF acceptance is involved there is a natural resistance. We have to become willing to accept. Self talk, working at being optimistic. Reinforcing truths like "all endings are really new beginnings" can give us a change in perspective. Realizing the HP has dealt with bigger problems than mine and that this is not the end of my HP's plan for my life can all help me feel more settled, secure. I must meditate on these things and understand that "feelings are not facts" they are in fact fickle. I can change them at any time. I can use self-care, music, aroma therapy, to inspire me to get going, update my resume, not isolate or whatever I need to change to begin to LIVE my life rather than just exist and get through it. JFT ..."I will be Happy" is a good one. Just remember YANA I may be powerless, but I am NOT helpless.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
HiSaleschic
Welcome to MIP and AlAnon
I suggest that you check out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. The hot line number is found in the white pages. It is at al anon meetings that I learned that alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which I was powerless.

As a result of connecting with this disease I too have become affected and need a program of recovery. Alanon is that program. Here and at face to face meetings I learned to: Keep the focus on myself, respond to situations, and not react, live one day at a time filled with faith in my HP and constructive supportive people to share and interact with.
You are not alone and there is help

I agree with Betty.....not only is there drinking but adultery and with the STD's out there, this really changes, for me it would, the playing field....he is jeopardizing, perhaps , your life...Aids is still a death sentence.....the others can cause a lifetime of damage.....OK, enough said, I urge you to get into the meets as Betty said, also I would begin search for a good sponsor to help you work those 12 steps and work them diligently to find you, to find your self respect and self love as Debilyn said....

It is a good sign that you see this and you know this aint gonna work w/out recovery and sobriety ....ALSO, an expert told me a while ago and this you should ponder......drinking does NOT make a cheater...they already ARE a cheater...booze just lowers the qualms about when, with whom, etc....drinking does NOT cause a beater...they already are....so you have someone who is a cheater and who wants to engage in sex with you, too, completely disregarding your health....

while searching for a sponsor, I wold get as many books as i can about the 12 steps...work them...beginning w/steps 1, you are powerless over his abominable behaviour and his addiction, 2, there is a power higher than you, that you can embrace and trust and understand, and #3..the big one....even tho you are powerless, and higher power is not, does it not make sense to turn him and his dangerous problems over to higher power as you put YOUR life and will in the care to your higher power????

Melodie Beattie wrote some great books...2 of which i continuously pay mind to.......12 steps for codependents and codependent no more....GREAT starter books WITH the 12 steps work and meetings....I would go to one meet a day for the first 90 , at least, days...i know..it sounds like a lot, but its not drudgery, it is a life saver and , trust me, you will fellowship w/others who can guide you, share with you, validate that you are not alone, I did it and I absolutely loved it...made some good, healthy, supportive friends doing that.....

also, a good thing is to just get on here and READ...absorb the love and truth and caring in this community......Its time for you to take care of you and your children....they need you...All they have is you.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't want to scare you, and this is REAL hard for me to share....I had to ask my HP do I or do I not share this??? and then get up the guts to talk about it....but i have 2 brothers.....both addicts......one , the younger one, is also a cheater...older bro is not like that..drunk or sober he is a "one girl guy".....Younger bro had this nice girl friend...i got friendly w/her on facebook, through him.....we just hit it off, she was working on her life, had a horrible past and was really working on herself, but like most of us wanted to be in a loving relationship......"Mr. Charmer" younger bro, hit up on her and I WARNED her "he goes, occasionally to his meets (she was in alanon due to alcoholism being in the family and was also in AA b/c of HER addiction which she was managing through AA/Alanon) anyway, I warned her that he was addict, active AND a "player" with the women........"gaming" the program by going to his meets, looking like "mr. 12 stepper" and drinking/using his pot and downers on the side, just totally bullshitting the program, its community and also folks around him.......

I implored her , hard as it was to say stuff about little bro, but here was this little life he was trying to impact and it would not be a positive....well she got involved, slept with him and got herpes......

she is devastated....that nearly threw her back into drinking again, but she went to meets...prayed in the church, got counseling through the church AND the meets, etc., and now she has a life time incurable condition, that yea, you can , I guess, manage with meds, but nevertheless....He left a permanent "mark" on her....any subsequent relationships she may have, she will have to deal with this infection that comes and goes......

IF and i say IF I ever found a guy, if i even SMELL addiction and sexual promiscuity, I am GONE.....1 is a deal breaker....but 2??? not a chance......this poor lady, my heart really really goes out to her...I haven't seen her posting and i am concerned...I can stand detached b/c I work my program, but I do pray for her and give her to HP to overcome this.......

I read Debilyns post to you and I agree with it 1000%....he texts you for favors...

I am glad you "came out" and was honest about this becuz it is time to air this out...get into program....do all the program suggests.....daily meets..sponsor...step work...slogan practice...literature.... reading the posts here and learning from those of us who have been there or done that......absorbing this community and alanon is a cleanser.....

-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 01:12:39 PM

Saleschic721 · Newbie

Thank you so much to everyone that replied to my post! I already feel a little bit better, stronger as the text requests keep coming I am not responding and hopefully soon will have the strength to block that number from my phone. I have a 2 interviews tomorrow and hopefully your positive thoughts and energy will reverberate right on through in my presentation to these potential employers. I will look for a meeting nearby. Where I live we have been snowed in for several days but the weather is breaking and the kids will be going back to school tomorrow so I will have some time to attend. For now..this board is a Godsend. Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Saleschic721 wrote:
Thank you so much to everyone that replied to my post! I already feel a little bit better, stronger as the text requests keep coming I am not responding and hopefully soon will have the strength to block that number from my phone. I have a 2 interviews tomorrow and hopefully your positive thoughts and energy will reverberate right on through in my presentation to these potential employers. I will look for a meeting nearby. Where I live we have been snowed in for several days but the weather is breaking and the kids will be going back to school tomorrow so I will have some time to attend. For now..this board is a Godsend. Hope everyone is having a great Sunday!

the strength comes when we ask our higher power as we understand it for it....higher power is for those tough jobs, I have difficulties with and yea, I have had to block some family members and once you do it??? its like emptying the trash....gone....poof....but yea, that first step can be tough but it is VERY doable...........something tells me you will find it.......GOOD luck on the interviews........sending you powerful "Job mojo".....

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