The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I think I finally get it with detachment. It has taken me a long time but hopefully I am close. I like to go on YouTube.com and type in alcoholism, denial of alcoholism, stories of alcoholics, treatments, etc. I find a lot of valuable information doing this. I was on YouTube for a couple of hours yesterday and found some really good information. You see real people with with problems.
My husband has been in the Southern part of our state visiting and helping his sister for 9 days. We have talked daily, but I could tell he was different on the phone Sunday night. I did not really put two and two together until the next day. My sister in law called and told me they found a fifth of vodka (empty of course) in their garbage. They keep their garbage outside in the front of the house. She asked me what I thought. I told her to ask him. She told him about the vodka and of course it was not his. He would never do that in her house. Someone else must have put the empty bottle in the garbage because "hey the garbage is out front and anybody could have put it there." I never mentioned it to him that I had talked to his sister and do not plan on bringing it up when he gets home on Sunday.
My AH got violently sick at my SIL's house - throwing up, diarrhea, coughing up blood, fever, etc. I asked him if he would go to the Drs. and he said no. When I look back I am seeing more of a pattern. He does not drink everyday. He can go weeks without it, but when he does drink he cannot stop. Every time this happens he thinks he has the flu. No one gets the flu as often as he does. We all know that it is the alcohol.
I internalized and agonized over this for the past few days just about making myself sick. I went to a F2F meeting last night and immediately felt calm, confident and more in control with my emotions. I usually just go on Tuesdays but this week I could tell Tuesdays are not enough. I am going to bump it up to two days a week and on Saturday nights they have speakers come to tell their story of sobriety. I have been going to those on and off but they are on my list too.
I spend way too much time wondering, worrying, having conversations in my head, etc. I just cannot do that anymore. I have got to stay busier, walk away when he wants to argue and just detach. I may not be able to do this every time but I am going to give it my all.
I think all of us would love to see our A's get help. But, until they are ready nothing will change. But, I am not going to have my life disrupted and tortured every time he drinks. I cannot do it anymore. I am hoping if he sees he cannot argue with me and get a rise out of me he will quietly (wishful thinking) just go downstairs and leave me alone.
The damage that goes on with alcoholics is more than I ever thought. I can now see why my mom was always angry with my dad. Over time instead of getting help she just started to drink along with him and was really as bad as he was. But the anger she felt for him and the situation was always there. I get it now. I see why. I believe in my HP and prayer and that is what gets me through each day.
Aloha Jenny...I love to listen to lessons on detachment and compare them to my own. One of the best lessons I got came from a member saying one night at a meeting...I must allow my spouse the dignity to experience the consequence of his choices. The word dignity did it for me to catch the "other" perspective and I was able to detach more with love. I stopped trying to be the pillow between her and her bottoms as a consequence of her drinking and using. Gonna listen. (((Hugs)))
What a great and powerful share!!!. The awareness and acceptance of the disease of alcoholism and the power it had to affect my sanity and life also enabled me to know how and why to detach,
Cong rats on your acceptance and decision to take care of you.
(((Jen))) Great share and topic. I, too, am still learning about the unlimited destruction of the disease... Detachment improves with practice and refocusing on things that are helpful to you - very inspirational program work!
Thank you for sharing, I can relate to most of what you said. The whole looking into alcoholism, finding out more, its so good for our understanding of what we are living with. It helped me accept that this is an illness and when I had accepted this fact then I was able to feel better about myself as I let go of the long held belief that he was evil and he was doing this to me.
My ex would never tell the truth when he was sick, never. He would be ill with the drink and I would say 'thats the drink making you ill' and he would never, ever admit this, never. This used to blow my mind, he thought he was a normal person with normal illnesses!!!! Its denial at its best and leaves you in no doubt about where he is in terms of acceptance of reality.
You sound good though Jen, using your tools, upping your meeting, owning your own feelings. Good for you. Also, boundaries are another tool that helped me with confrontation, I say things like - 'you could be right' or 'Im sorry you feel that way' never actually taking the blame, very clever really, if it esculates then I say ' if you shout, swear, keep getting aggressive then I will leave the room' if he follows then leave the room again, if it gets worse then call the police - proper, normal consequences are good for you and him.
Aloha Jenny...I love to listen to lessons on detachment and compare them to my own. One of the best lessons I got came from a member saying one night at a meeting...I must allow my spouse the dignity to experience the consequence of his choices. The word dignity did it for me to catch the "other" perspective and I was able to detach more with love. I stopped trying to be the pillow between her and her bottoms as a consequence of her drinking and using. Gonna listen. (((Hugs)))
I agree...By enabling a person, we rob them of the life lessons that may just save their lives....I spoke w/my A brother yesterday, he was sober, going to his court ordered drinking and driving class and hes talking about how he no longer drinks and drives, but soon as he is parked for the night, he unscrews that vodka bottle.....I just said ----nothing---- I had no reply, no comments, ZERO.....he was close to losing his cell phone, recently, b/c of non payment.....I never offered to help him pay his bill......I love the guy, but to cover up his messes is to rob him of his lessons and journey in life.....I absolutely refuse, thanks to recovery, to enable anyone or absorb their life responsibilities/lessons....I see it as just not right!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
