I know where it comes from for me - usually childhood crap that I've worked on but it comes back at times. the program has made me less needy so I experience "rejected feelings" less. If someone is rejecting me, it's likely not a connection or a disconnect in some way so I don't take it as personally. Prior to AA/Alanon I felt rejected by rejects and also by people I would aspire to want to be around. It happens less frequently now because I'm not quite as sensitive in that way (though obviously still sensitive).

Oh geez, that is one of my greatest fears! I was rejected by my father mostly but some of the rest of my family too. I struggle with this a lot and I think it's why I have 'abandonment issues' in general. I think I spent my entire life making sure that everyone liked me, mostly subconscious level thinking, I'm sure, but it was there. And, if people didn't like me, I always blamed myself and felt rejected and unloved. I never knew that my HP's love was what was most important, I never knew that I could be fulfilled and find peace by searching out HP(God's) answers for my life.

If it helps: I feel rejected here too. But, now I know that it's not 'them', it's ME. It's how I perceive harsh words(which I probably perceive that way, but they really aren't harsh), etc. Working my program has helped me see this about myself and has led me to a more healthy path in how I take in other people and how they relate to me or communicate with me. It's truly been a blessing in my life, to find Al Anon, have a sponsor, and have great friends here on MIP!

Hugs to you! I totally get what you're saying. You are not alone!

I really LIKE myself! Its not a big ego thing at all. After the bout with the ex that dragged me wailing to Al-anon, after the soul searching and work to put my life back together, I am at a place in life where I can see the things I don't like about me, times I get snappish for instance; I can explore those episodes to find the whys and move on. But the person I am is a good person; I have a fine heart, I care about my neighbors, work hard, pay my bills; I have a lot of people in my life who are happy to see me and I am happy to see and chat with them. If something happens that brings up the feeling of rejection/unhappiness, I take a moment to figure out exactly why that something should make me feel that way, and I give myself a break because most of the time, I'm in the grips of one of the HALT's.

I didn't always like myself - I think the fear of rejection comes from believing on some level that you deserve rejection, that NOBODY should like you because you are bad, stupid, ugly, fat, etc. We come out of childhood with all these tapes playing in our heads telling us what we are - you're too fat to find a man; stop singing, you can't carry a tune; stop banging on the piano, what do you think you are, a musician - you'll never be; oh, you're gonna try drawing now? give it up, you'll never be Rembrant; etc. Now I can ask myself - am I being rejected because of something about me, or are they rejecting me because of their problems? Pretty easy to answer that in most cases because the question helps me to realize that they don't KNOW me well enough to accept or reject me.

Thanks for bringing this topic up. And here I thought it was just me who had big issues with rejection- silly girl!

This is something that I really struggle with, especially now with my AD not wanting me to have any part in her life. Someone told me at a recent Al-Anon meeting that: "Their rejection is God's protection." That one line helped me so much. I'm starting to realize that our HP is keeping us out of the "hurricanes" in our life. My AD is all about drama right now. If we were to be in daily contact, I don't know where I would be in my recovery. So detaching with love is what I strive for everyday. It keeps be sane, it keeps the focus on me and off of her issues. And it keeps me open to my communication with my HP.

Peace,

GE

 

 

Mahalo Raven J great thread.  It feels like I'm sitting in class and all the teachers are around me.  I read all of this and am grateful for the program and the sponsorship I've had with all of the lessons starting at "self love" and then "QTIPing" and acceptance with the question "what is my part in this feeling of rejection to why am I choosing to feel rejected in the first place"?   I like the inventory portion because that is where I learn the most.  I inventory slowly and don't let negative feelings stop me from doing it objectively.  One of my tools for handling rejection came from my VA counselor while he was teaching me about "giving mercy and creating margins in my relationships".  No one has the power to hurt my feelings without my permission and participation  was an Al-Anon rocket science project and I had the entire fellowship of the Family Groups where I was at standing with me and cheering me on to the best conclusion of "Love is the complete and total acceptance of everyone else without condition".   I can speak up for myself and for the other person at the same time.  Last time I was rejected I told the rejector that I was going to take a minute of their time to make a statement and the statement sorta was..."I don't ask for anything more than what you ask for yourself and for what I willingly give.  When I asked from you, you responded with rejection  and I'm here to tell you that you have absolutely no justification to not love me".  I then detached and continued on with self love.  Other times I just let it go and move on.   (((((Hugs))))) 

Hi Raven,

I too have experienced what you describe and discovered that Al-Anon tools and principles work fantastically to eliminate them and to carry me through as I work to eliminate them.

Making an asset and gratitude list daily, validating  myself and my opinion without invalidating others also enabled me to feel present and not inivisible. I also examined my motives at times when I was feeling left out, to see( if my expectations are realistic or or if my ego had jumped in) and working a 10th step on the topic each time really helped me to gain wisdom and clarity on the situations.

Reminding myself that I'm powerless over others, that what others think of me of me is none of my business and using the slogans such as",How important is it" or" Let go and let God"  also helped to interrupt the negative chatter. An Al-Anon phone call worked as well.

 

Keep on working it, it works