taxed - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

taxed

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your not a whiny biatch!!!! love that word. You are working around active alcoholism and you are suffering the affects and I think you have came to the perfect place to vent. Your a better man than me Pinkchip because I would loose my patience and compassion and end up saying ' Okay on you go then, have it your own way' You are doing such an important job but I imagine you must need regular breaks from it or it could drive you nuts,
Detaching with love comes to my mind here. Have you read the Alanon leaflet on it, very simple but might help. It helped me with my son and when I allow it I can imagine all of what you describe here, happening to him.x

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

BIG hugs Mark, ..

I can't imagine what you witness on a daily basis and it makes it that much more important to take care of you during these stressful beyond belief times. Sending lots of love and prayers your way. Take a break if it's an option and do something that is spontaneous and fills your sobriety cup. Check in on you.

It almost sounds like PSTD and living the same car accident over and over again based upon the latest crisis. That's stressful under the best circumstances .. I constantly telling the kids .. other people's behavior .. just not about them .. they gotta keep doing the next right thing for them and it's a good reminder for me to really focus on what is best for me.

Hugs my friend, S :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

No wisdom to share here, PC. Just lots and lots and lots of empathy and understanding.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You are working to hard and too many hours for the career your in. You need some time off for sure. You need to ask for it....get away, stay home and veg, whatever you do it needs to be for you. We all have to get that time away from our jobs because if we don't we will lose it for sure. I know I do. I'm at that age and point I want to retire so bad, it's hard to get up everyday.....and I have 4 more long years. So I have 4 weeks a year vacation and I'm going to take it for sure now.

You better ask for the time off soon and just get out of there for a while.......let go let HP take care of it.

((( big hug )))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not playing martyr. I'm not a saint. This is a vent, but also me stating I'm losing myself some in this job cuz I just get home and want to do nothing at times. I don't want to go out. Dont want to work out. Don't want to go to meetings. It's not that I even dislike this but it's too much at times. I also feel I can't talk about this stuff much cuz it makes me sound like a whiny biatch and everyone has stressful jobs. Kind of like "suck it up Mark!"

************************************

Mark, I see you as a caring soul who survived the insanity of alcoholism, a terribly toxic relationship and the long grind to recovery and maintaining what you fought so hard for.... you manage your condition about as well as anyone can from what I am reading all these months in your posts.....and you have a huge heart to work with it...the insanity, the pain, the death at times b/c you know some of them might make it and some might not.....Like any one who helps the sick or in danger.........EMTs....Nurses...Doctors...Shrinks....Cops...Firemen...Sometimes it just gets to be TOO MUCH....

I think you have been in program long enough to know whether or not this is a vent, or Mark saying to Mark, "i have had enough..time for change" Nobody can answer that for you..I hope you can get in the quiet long enough with your "best within you" and figure that out.....I am so glad you reached out to us here...I was just getting ready to log off and saw you and though I would check up b/c I hadn't seen you in a while.....

Vent to us all you need to...Whatever will help you find a perspective on this....Personally, I don't know how you can do it day in and day out....

I used to do a paltalk healing group....it was for survivors of severe abuse...A hybrid ACA/CODA meeting...I chaired it for nearly two years....folks attended my meets from all over the world, that room grew so big we would be meeting for nearly 3 hours at times....I finally burned out....I was hearing so many horrible stories, it kept mine on the front burner with me waaay too much.....it was hard for me to "compartmentalize" it and do a normal life...so all i did was work....do these meets...and was too tired to do anything else...Too mentally and emotionally exhausted to do anything for me.......

It was a blessing when I got real sick with a lung infection that was "knocking on the door" to pneumonia and I could not do the meets anymore....a friend of mine filled in for me, and he ran everyone off....He just was NOT suited for chairing meets....so we "went under" By the time I was well enough to do anything, the room had kinda disintegrated.....I say it was a blessing for me b/c I was free to put the crap on the back burner...yea, deal with it when a trigger or memory comes up, but it wasn't "in my face" all the time as before....so I could put it on the shelf and actually live........

that was my story..I did not try to resurrect the room, I was glad to say "good bye" to it and prayed that the "regulars" got something good out of it, and hopefully they are now "recycling" the good and the love that permeated my room, but the relief I felt was amazing....so now?? i deal w/me in the course of my recovery, aide a member here and there but for the most part, I have decided to DO stuff for ME..that is NOT anyway related to recovery...I feel better....I am not being triggered so much...I can "take breaks" as needed and no worries.....i work hard on me, but i put balance on how much time I want to spend on recovery and hearing about it ..how much time I can spend on my studies...my leisure....my gym, even.....

You will find in your own right time what road is best for you....In the meantime you have our ears...I truly respect and admire what you do for others....You are a good soul...and its OK for a good soul to get tired of something or want a change or want to share his/her love in another way....Whether you stick with it or not, the lives you touch with your generous love will go on to pass on your good seed....

sending you PEACE

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh nothing is more important than you. Not work, not pride (I can do this), etc.
You're venting because you're overextended for the 6th day in a row.
After a break, see if this is sustainable. Treasure your sober self. I do.
Sending prayers for your noble work and for your clients! Wow that is the real world.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Mark,

I hear you and have felt as you when I faced many of the same situations on this road of alcoholic destruction. I know that you have excellent tools and certainly do care deeply for your clients. You need to detach and start taking care of Mark. Your sobriety is of the utmost importance because your clients need a sober Mark. AA meetings, touching base with your sponsor will help to lighten this difficult load . You know that meetings are essential to alanon recovery. It might be a good idea to include some alanon meetings in the process.

I know it is hard to get to meetings when you have experienced days as you have just described however those are the days we simply MUST take the action, turn our will over to HP and have "Smart Feet"'

In my prayers.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark

You are in a very stressful job feeling it from all angles. it must be frustrating to say the least, what you are seeing each day. I agree that detaching w love comes to mind and generally taking care of yourself. I'm wondering if a job w that level of stress offers counseling, like an EAP program for its employees.

glad you shared here-- you have given so much, hope you are feeling some of tht support too

((((mark))))

mary

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing has come to me, PC. When I have had some of those experiences and everything has hit me at once - I have noticed that all of it is too much for me and I turn everything and everybody into HP's hands. Then, I go do something good for me. Sometimes, I just have to have a good cry with somebody who loves me and gets me, too.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark, anyone on earth would find that stressful, and 98% would find it more stressful than you do. I'm not just being flattering here, that's God's honest truth. Are you undervaluing yourself perhaps? You are surrounded by literal craziness. Who would not be stressed?

I wonder if part of the situation is that attraction we (the A's and carers of A's) all have toward craziness and chaos? We're attracted to it at the same time as we want to fix it, and then it gets overwhelming -- almost inevitably.

You have a ton to offer the world. I wonder if this is the best job for you. Even if you stay in the field of addiction, I wonder if so much front-line living is the best use of your talents and energies.

And don't you have enough contact with craziness coming here and talking with us? smile

Seriously, I hear the "But ... but ... but..." -- but it's something to think about.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is worth imperilling your sobriety. And you see every day where it leads if you imperil it.

You are so valuable. Take good care of our wonderful friend Mark.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Pink...you are not alone and there is no justification to give up on your recovery...none. Been there...done that...felt that...and refused to trade my serenity and sobriety for anything and anyone. First part of the first step was and is key for me and I would at times shout it out loud in the rehab..."I admit I am powerless over _________ (thing, action, name etc.)" and the moved on forward. You're not gonna win them all and in fact maybe only some and the disease is fatal often after driving the addict and alcoholic insane. I was taught and instructed to do the best I could with the experience and skills that I had and then leave the rest up to HP and prepare myself to send the ambulance off to inpatient, the "G" ward and to comfort victims and go to funerals if I so chose to go. You have no justification to trade yourself and your sobriety for the outside possibility that they just might get it. I was told that none of my patients would ever send me a trophy with a thank you card on it because they got clean and sober and found success. It never happened. I will never have a holiday named after me and I will never sell my recovery to even get close.

God first...you second...others then. ((((Hugs)))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 31st of January 2014 06:37:23 PM

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

One of the best lessons of Alanon is that we have a right to make choices that serve our best interest. It's not selfish, it's self preservation. I have to think this is also the case with sobriety. In fact, from what I understand... it comes before all else. Perhaps ask yourself... what am I getting out of it? In other words, what's the payoff for Mark. Serenity is priceless. An honest inventory in the presence of your hp may help you to find your answers. Your workplace is a revolving door of hysterionic personalities, addictions, mental and physical illness. Lots of adrenelin. There's unpredictability all around you, nervewracking chaos as you try to stay sober and not get the fk its. It's ok to walk away. It's not failing. We fail ourselves when we don't place ourselves first. Wishing you the best. TT

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Mark,

your in a highly stressful profession, long hours and long haul shifts make for cranky on days other times it would just be a breeze, there is little or no support for the likes of people like you, and it's all wrong, sometimes all you need is a listening ear, nothing whinny or wingey about that, you do the job because your very good at it, you do the job because you understand and care very deeply, it is sadly all part and parcel of the package, I wish I could offer suggestions of how to not get days like this and for it not to over spill into your home life, but you are the job by your nature, and this too shall pass, I fixate on something I love doing when my job gets to me, and I imagine that feeling, for me it's cycling standing up on the pedals free wheeling down a hill, zig zagging, I am on day three of my days off, day one I was still buzzing took me until day two to switch off, day three I am free of it whoop whoop, and heres the thing, I am back on shift tomorrow and ready for it, your in support1

Katy

x

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

(((Hugs))) to you Mark, and there is no way you could sound whiney. You expressed your thoughts and feelings, and we love you for it. Your words resounded very deeply in me, and as I read them I was transported back in time to my former career. I worked where many clients similar to yours came after they had exhausted all their chances. Some of the clients affected me deeply, some said cruel things, and some passed away. I could never let on for a second that any of it upset me, and got so practiced at hiding my feelings, that I lost touch with myself. I remember how the stress never seemed to relent, even when I was off duty. I was very tightly wound, and very isolated. As an undiagnosed codependent then, I had no idea how to cope with the stress, anxiety, my feelings, relaxation techniques or detachment skills. I wonder how things would've turned out if "I'd known then what I know now." Lol... I'm learning how to ask for help and advice finally after all these years, and for that I have MIP to thank. This coming week I will be checking into a local yoga class and hopefully get into meditation to help deal with my ongoing stress and anxiety. Have you or would you ever try something like that (just a thought). I also like to play some totally high energy and rude music in my headphones and work out at the gym, afterwards I feel energized, but relaxed too.

Mark, what I'm trying to say is that I'm so happy that you did vent on here, and that you have MIP and meetings in your toolbox;) Remember that you earned and deserve your sobriety and serenity. I hope that you'll never hesitate to put your needs first, because you are so worth it! XO

-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Friday 31st of January 2014 03:03:24 AM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Mark,

You are such a valuable, special, generous, skilled being and I'm sorry, but not surprised, that you are feeling overwhelmed. Your clients are very lucky to have you but I don't imagine they know it in the midst of their crazies. Its great that you can vent - thank you for sharing that with us and showing that vulnerability can be a beautiful thing. My lovely friend once said to me 'Take great care of yourself my dear, because you cant give from an empty cup, and boy do you want to give!'. It is the best advice I've ever been given - I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing (caring for a gracious dying mum) and I was where I wanted to be but I was climbing the walks after a while. I didn't know that I had a battery pack that needed recharging from time to time. Sometimes we need a reminder to ask for help I guess!! Wishing I could bring you a hug and a cup of tea so I'm sending warm vibes to your kettle, and here comes the hug! (((((((((((Mark))))))))))))).

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There was recently a change in management and this resulted in us being packed to the rafters for the last month. We are running at max capacity. So...what winds up happening is exponentially higher rates of client freakouts, complaints, tantrums, fights, relationships, drama, plotting to use, plotting to leave.... So, for example, because the girls are busy having sex with each other and what not, we had to move some of their rooms around. They freaked out and had tantrums and one was going to walk off property so that had to be addressed right away. In the meantime, I had another client whom I had scheduled family session with via phone. This client is pulling the familiar routine of "Mom! Save me! They don't have food for me to eat and I'm in a roach infested dump and all the other clients are crazy and I'm perfect and don't want to use but this place is making me want to use!" routine. SO OLD and the parents fall for it 90 percent of the time!!! So of course she (mother) was falling for it when I couldn't even call her to dispute it. If we do have AMAs (people leaving against our advice) the owner gets upset and starts coming around yelling and dipping his nose into things which is annoying. So basically, I'm left juggling crises where I can't stop 2 potential AMAs at once....or the multiple messed up dynamics leading them to want to leave (aside from them just wanting to go get high or drunk which is the underlying reason they all will deny).

So what's been ordinary is now amped up due to a larger and more drama filled population. They get up and walk out of group with no explanation. I can just stop group and chase them. Techs can't "make them" do anything. I wonder why we don't start just kicking people out if we are full now and actually have people waiting to get in. I would think we should let the pranksters just leave. Instead we wind up putting up with and managing some of the most ridiculous behaviors that typically get people kicked out of rehabs (trading meds, crushing and snorting meds, buying and hiding OTC meds, having relationships/sex with each other, fighting, threatening, refusing to get up, walking out of groups, sucking on vapor cigarettes during group). All of this stuff going on will make the place look like a zoo if higher ups come along and it feels like it's my problem... Tech turnover is ridiculous and I am (once again) the most senior therapist there after just 6 months.

I'm glad that the company is thriving, but we probably need 3 therapists instead of 2 dealing with a population of 28 needy alcoholic/addicts. There are moments that I absolutely love. I can and do lead group and do sessions from a part of me that's authentic and my knowledge base for this population is good so it's not hard in that regard. I like working with and teaching our interns. For all the drama, there is equal amounts of love and healing the clients show each other and allow us to impart on them. In most cases, they are patched up and grasping the program enough to have a fighting chance when they leave. Many of them actually do thank, praise, and say we saved their lives. It's rare to hear how great they are doing months later and more common to hear they relapsed or actually see them back, but even that happens sometimes (getting the letter or email of thanks saying "I'm 100 days sober now!!!" and what not.

So...there are like "perfect storm" elements brewing all the time there and it's anxiety provoking. And yes, I am anxiety ridden to a degree. After this long in the field, I have detachment skills for clients necessarily, but it's a little harder and more challenging in this population with it being residential, short term, and high amped and emotionally charged. Plus, I HAVE to ride a middle ground because totally detached would mean I didn't care and then it would be time for me to move on for sure. But if I detach and some problems aren't addressed or discussed....they are there the next day or they result in more drama.

I think I'm in the right field because I'm good at this. I know that. I do think I would prefer being in management at this point although I know that would just come with another set of headaches.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 31st of January 2014 08:39:32 AM

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Mark, I know you are right that this is a great field for you to be in .. I think everyone struggles with finding the right balance and not being pulled under by it. It is just who has healthy coping skills and those of people .. like me .. who have has to reprogram years of unhealthy coping skills that no longer work. I think it boils down to .. what do you do to keep your balance and not lose what you have worked so hard to gain? Keeping spiritual fitness and emotional sobriety. Hugs :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow! Lots of drama there. And - something tells me - you'll know what to do and when to do it - to curtail some of that drama, Pink. Much respect and care for you being sent your way, brother.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, Mark. I certainly have no words of wisdom. I can only offer my respect and remind you to listen to your gut, use your HP to guide you towards peace, etc. I know that when my job(many years ago) was affecting my personal life and my relationships with friends and family, it became harder to take care of me and I nearly got lost in the chaos. Thankfully, I got offered a chance to switch departments and I felt like I was reborn and on a much more pleasant path. Praying for your situation and for you to find peace where ever that may be.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((Mark))))))
If you ever wanted a change of career I think you've just written the script for an jaw droppingly awesome (in an OMG sort of way) sitcom!

Trouble is I know this is your real life and I also know that you do a tremendous, in fact brilliant, job - I hope you are taking that bit of time out, just for you and I will be sending prayers to the owners encouraging a small but bright idea about getting some more therapists or back up as the number of clients (sadly) grows. (((Hugs)))

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Since so much chaos is a part of the job, it's hard to know when there is "unnecessary" chaos. But your description doesn't give me confidence that this place is well run. Surely it is better for the clients to have enough staff and therapists to deal with the acting out and to be on top of it. Also to levy consequences on the people who really are not with the program, which must be disruptive to those who are struggling to hold onto theirs. When the therapists have their recovery in danger, you know it's got to be worse for the clients who have only a few days or weeks of recovery. If I were struggling with addiction, that kind of chaos, with people sleeping with each other, getting drugs, walking out, defying rules, and going nuts -- that would be the last thing I'd need. I can get that on the outside!

It makes me wonder if the high turnover there isn't a bad sign. I wonder if maybe you are in the right profession but the wrong place in the right profession. It makes me think of those of us who say, "I'm with someone who has problems, sure, but I think with my patience and energy, I can save him." For "him" read "the center"?

Just something to think about. Thanks for all you do.

imom · Senior Member

I want to say thank you for the job you do. You have a thankless job most of the time, I'm sure, but you are saving lives every day. And I am just going to say it....there are some people who do NOT have stressful jobs!!! I know plenty of people who go to work, go home, and leave their jobs at the work. They don't have any emotional attachment that keeps them awake at night.

I understand how you feel. When I get home from work lately, I don't want to do much either. Then, once you get in the habit of sitting on the couch, it's hard to get back to the gym or back outside moving. I also think it's important to allow yourself the time you need to just sit and do nothing if that's what your body and mind need.

Thanks again for all you do. Just the words you share here alone have saved me. I don't know how I would have gotten through the past year without this board and without some of the things you shared with me and with others.

Don't beat yourself up for feeling blah about your job. Everyone has the right to need a break every now and then. Maybe you should take a "me day"...call in sick and do something fun and nice just for yourself.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Nope mark, it is leave it at work at the end of the day. Walk away and turn it off. You know I worked with all kids of kids. At first I could not detach.

Then I learned to give what I could at work, then turn it off and go home. I hear you nverot letting it go. When we are a giver, we need to give our part, then that is our job. We turn it off and hand it over, period.

Its the same as when I went to work, I taught myself all i had to do was be at work.

You can do it. May I invite you to go away for a day trip? I don't know where you are. I used to go to the beach, the mountains a fish hatchery, feed the ducks, take the dogs to the river.

Sometimes we need to change what we see, smell, hear. I feel overwhelmed and the thought of escaping into a movie is soooo inviting so I do it.

All that and more is always going to go on. We can only do what we can, our part. No one can leave their "giver" mode on.

It's ok to let go! Go get some good bubble stuff and go blow bubbles, go do something mindless. Find that kid in there, he is there you know. love!!! debilyn

MorningGlory · Veteran Member

I worked in Critical Care for ~13 years. I absolutely had to learn to flip the switch off when my shift was done. While working, take my breaks and lunch outside of the Unit. Visual: big honkin' sign "OFF DUTY", buy yourself a T-Shirt to change into when your shift is done, seriously... make it personalized, pink with some bling maybe...lol with all respect of course! Your serenity & sobriety are the top priority. You are an amazing wonderful caring guy & certainly great at what you do, but you said it "you are not a saint", these clients of yours are going to get it or not, you know that as well as anyone. When you become invested in the outcome, you are more likely than not going to be disappointed. We called the repeaters "frequent flyers" you learn to love them after a while, when you QTIP. Work is only a small part of daily life, if we keep it in perspective - really it is. Sounds like a management change is due at this facility and with the turnover that is going on, you may be the director any day now! Hang in there, you are learning what to look for at the next job right?

Tasha · Senior Member

((((((Pinky)))))))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a safe place to vent. So many things overwhelming simultaneously- indicates a great time to lean into your program and crank it up a notch. (HALT, serenity prayer, meetings, etc) As difficult and as frustrating as it is, do the best you can and give the rest to HP (much easier said than done). I hope that both are temporary. Chances are that they are.

Gratitude lists for work are helpful. Acceptance. The people who stay and need guidance and may benefit greatly from your help.

Sending prayers.

In support.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow sounds very stressful! I am sure you are a light in the darkness and are doing the best you can do! I am sending you much love and support!

stephaniej · Senior Member

Just want to send you love and ((hugs)) my friend. I've been meaning to swing by and see how things have been going at the new job. I'm sorry to hear it is so stressful and that you feel like you are losing part of yourself. I know that is always a significant risk for those who work in helping professions. I'm sending lots of good juju your way.

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