I lived like this (1st marriage) until i got so tired of the pain I FOUND a way out..I bartered ..I traded work for a cottage in which to live...this good luck came to me b/c I was READY for a change and I went after it....

Because I had no income to speak of, I went to a woman's shelter and got into out patient mental health therapy..30 visits, I think it was, I was allowed,  sponsored by my county mental health dept.....My counselor shocked me by telling me I had become addicted to the drama and chaos,  my AH  was my "high"  At first I was mad at him for saying such a thing, but he was right...I was addicted to drama and chaos...oh yea, I talked about it all the time, same ole same ole  to my friends as one by one they walked away from me b/c I was not doing anything to help me and they got tired of listening to my "war stories" and I was not doing anything to help me.....my daughter was safe from him, in collage, so I didn't fear for her...No way would I bring my kid around this guy...Period..No chance of that..I let me be abused, but never never would let my daughter see it or experience it.......She was in no danger, so i just stayed there with him...

THEN..when i got out....got into counselling, I realized that my Counselor was RIGHT! I WAS addicted to being in pain/chaos/drama....AND add to that my ZERO self esteem and no wonder I stayed w/him for FIVE long hellish years....

Getting away, and talking w/my counselor, I saw what I was doing...I just didn't think enough of me that I could do any better, till I left...then the revelation that I was addicted to this toxic way of life....and this was PRE alanon,  but my counselor shoved the truth in my face and i went home and cried....but I went back to all my sessions b/c I wanted to NOT be addicted to  pain/chaos/drama..I was desperate for change, no matter what the price, I was willing to pay it to have a livable and bearable life...

little by little, living on my own, going to see my Counselor  and the few friends who did not tire of watching me be abused and who didn't leave me, I began to change..I got a really nice little job as controller for a pest control company...the old man/owner loved me like a daughter and he and his wife took me "under their wings" and showed me just how precious and valuable i really was....Oh yea, I would make mistakes w/my life, subsequently,  but abuse and bad treatment and chaos and drama were no longer a part of ANY thing i wanted in my life....I had become used to being treated NICE...my AH #2 , yes, was an Alkie, but he treated me sweet and nice...parting w/him b/c I wanted recovery for both of us was the hardest thing I did but i did it out of love for both of us...and i don't regret it....

my counselor, I owe him so much , he taught me in those 30 or so visits (he actually extended me to more until he transferred to a better position) so I got more than 30 visits....he taught me there was a better life for me out there but I had to WANT it...REACH for it...SEEK it...EMBRACE it and CLAIM it as my new truth and my new life...It scared the S*** out of me, but as I said..I was willing to do ANYthing to change me.......His name was Paul and , funny,  a male teaching me all this....\

On our last visit, we both hugged and cried and he told me how much he learned from me as he hoped I learned from him...and I told him he was a God send for me to begin a changed and better life....

I will never forget the nuggets of golden information he taught me and it seemed once i broke that sicko cycle i was in,  got out...got my counselor....got the nice little job with other little clients on the side, life began to get BETTER for me b/c I was treating me better and refusing to be someones trash bucket....

And little did I know that alanon would come in the future and I would learn MORE how to better care for me...

I don't know you from Adam and your business is your own, I am just sharing what I experienced b/c I enjoy doing the 12th step and if SOME of my ESH  can help a soul, I am glad...If it does not resonate, then I invite you to take what you can use and leave the rest.......

I told my kids...Life is a CHOICE....we are where we are b/c we , in the way we think of ourselves, bring to us what we think about us.....like they say   what we seek and think about shall come to us....

Please take what you can use and throw away the rest.....I just thought I would toss in my ES&H b/c I owe so much to this program, its only right to share what I know w/the community.......

Dear Melly,

As usual, your writing skills and presentation of very difficult and unsettling activities, truly summed up the alcoholic behavior and relationship.

The blame game, the accusations, the ability to relate to a person that doesn't exist all very familiar behaviors that we have experienced. Even though the situation is unsettling and upsetting your description and clever writing skills made me smile.

You have received great suggestions and support from our MIP Familyand I would just like to add that the best I could do was to validate myself, know my truth, and then not engage.I  know in the beginning and often thereafter, I detached with an ax instead of with love. That was the best I could do but detachment does work and kept my sanity.

You are not alone, this destructive behavior. Is part of the disease of alcoholism and what we are striving to recover from.

Keep sharing here, attend online meetings and  keep using your program. Eventually the still small voice within will guide you on your way.

Love that you bought that bike enjoy it

(((Melly))) You will find your way through this and away from this one day at a time. You are smart. You are sensitive. You are creative. You are capable. You are loved by a HP who will guide you as you're ready and as you need in the way it will work for you. Sending you lots of support and encouragement and care, sister.

ClearTheFog wrote:

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neshema2 wrote:

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..this good luck came to me b/c I was READY for a change and I went after it....

 

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 Great statement! I find myself stuck sometimes and praying to HP to show me the way out. But in the end for me it's so often like that joke about the man on the rooftop in the flood, praying to God to save him. People in boats, helicopters, etc come to help but he sends them away because he's expecting God to pluck him outta there like magic. Then when he drowns he asks God why did He not save him...and God explains "Well I DID send you a helicopter and a guy in a boat...". I love that joke and am like that guy on the rooftop so much of the time. So thanks for the reminder, Neshema!

---

 Hey "CTF", glad I could help you...yea, God respects our boundaries...he is not gonna "push" his help on anyone until they WANT it....whats the old saying?? God helps those who help themselves??? its true in my opinion....and the guy on the rooftop is an excellent example...when i was in that bad situation, so many years ago, it was becuz I  hadn't had enough pain...I like that song Carley Simon sang..."I aint got time for the pain"  it basically says that when we are done getting our heads shoved in manure, we will do something to affect change...till then??? we are gonna be sniffing manure....When I talk to a sponsee, I analogize this program as like having a cookbook....I can read that cookbook from cover to cover and still starve to death if i don't get up and cook (practice) what it taught me...I am here to heal...to improve...to be proactive about my life...to take back my power...to be the master of my own ship w/my HP as my guide....I will pay any price , do anything to make a better life for me...why??? becuz I deserve it.......Change scares the crap out of me, but if I know it is right...Feel it in my heart and soul its right, I will invite my fears to "come along" and I will do it afraid, but I will do it.....

Thanks Of course it's nothing new just his usual tricks, just I feel a bit worn down by it and seem to be getting it from everywhere just recently, not just from him so I thought some fresh perspectives/ tricks might give me a fresh way to deal with the gaslighters in my life...lol one night years ago I put on Gaslight (it's one of my favorite movies) and ABF turned it off half-way through...worried I would uncover some of his tricks??? lol! Although I DO wonder when the cute detective is going to come and save me; he's certainly taking his time (jokes, I know, gotta save myself)
He didn't go to work again today; inexplicably got into my bed last night and when I went to bed he woke up and started yelling that I had interrupted his sleep AGAIN I NEVER EVER let him sleep EVER and then he played computer games all day and insists I have cost him "another job" with my bull expletive and of course he is leaving me and so on and so forth.. Anyway that's more than enough about him for one day, or for a lifetime really! He is not playing with a full deck and that's really all there is to it. I need to start looking seriously into boarding animals and so forth; his share of the rent is only $165 a week so surely I can find a way to make that much extra and I also realised that if he wasn't here I could mind children here!! I think someone else mentioned that on here and I thought no, I couldn't do that with him here but you know what, if he was gone, I could......at the start of the summer holidays I had a plan to start looking into these things and here I am 6 weeks later and ABF is being an utter tool again so this time it needs to be action not just plans to make plans...

Today I took daughter on the 8 hour trip to drop her at her fathers for the weekend; it was sunny and I was so freaking happy to get her out of school early and spend the afternoon with her I think she must have wondered what was wrong with me!
I have decided that one thing I am going to do for me is enrol in a beginners karate class, I always wanted to as a kid so finding extra incomes and investigating martial arts clubs are my missions for the weekend.

Hugs to all and thanks for the perspectives.

I tried something different, when he was ranting at me that I cost him his job I said "I'm really sorry for doing that" without any sarcasm but with about as much sorrow as if I'd accidentally cut in front of him in the check-out line or something and then went out before he could respond. I had to remind myself...it DOES NOT MATTER what he thinks, I'm not here to teach him anything, as someone said here on MIP recently. What matters is my serenity and arguing with complete imbecility does NOT make me feel serene. 

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 31st of January 2014 07:50:57 AM

And milkwood, I read your reply on the train and while I was waiting at the train station I bought myself a nail-polish, I never wear it because ABF carries on like a big girl's blouse that he can't stand the smell it makes him sick OMG he's going to throw up even days after I have put it on. So now apparently the colour of my nails is "Khloe Had a Little Lam Lam", seriously that's what it says on the bottle :-/

http://dailysomething.com/nicole-by-opi-khloe-had-a-little-lam-lam/

 

 

 it's hideous; but I love it! lol

-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 31st of January 2014 07:54:28 AM

I see someone living in insanity, putting fuel into it, and asking for more.

I also see a very intelligent woman, who has a lot to give the world, lost in chaos.

Like an addict who has to face he has a serious problem, make changes and get help, I also see someone very sick who has not seen her own place in this yet.

BUT possibly seeing some progress?

Agree Debilyn - thank you for speaking your truth. Brave. Watching someone dance for the disease might be entertaining at first, but watching them after much time passes, when they are exhausted, worn out, washed out and still trying to dance away... it's painful to watch. It's no different than watching an alcoholic drink themselves to death. They look happy and fun and entertaining at first - then it's just plain miserable to watch them try and try to get that feeling back as it was in the beginning. There is only one way out for the alcoholic. Total abstinence. I would venture to say total abstinence from the disease of alcoholism is the only way out for you too Melly. For the alcoholic, there needs to come a time when they hit a bottom, see they are dying and decide they want to live! For this they must find hope that it is possible. They must believe in themselves - just a shred - to get themselves to the doorstep of help. When we take continue to enable the disease... we block them from this bottom - where the real person lives and might find a moment of clarity when the disease has nothing left to grasp onto for survival. So with that in mind, I am not here to tell you to leave Melly. Or to shame you for not leaving sooner, or tomorrow. In some ways, leaving you to hit your bottom is the most loving thing I could do for you, or anyone suffering from alcoholism - drinking it or not.

I believe there is a real you in there that will cherish itself for maybe the first ever time - find that moment of clarity and hope - and you will swiftly move to the doorstep of help for yourself. I believe the real you will emerge slowly and delicately into the world as a beautiful flower blooming into the sunlight of the spirit - vulnerable yet gloriously graceful.

While I hold this belief and faith - I whisper prayers for you into the universe, and I know that HP does have something wonderful in store for you. You will emerge into the world grateful for all of this, as only a person who knows true suffering is able to appreciate the smallest things in life as you already do in many ways. This deep appreciation for who you are, and all you've been through will shine and soar through the world, and you will bring inspiration to many with your beautiful writing and touching story of triumph over a deadly disease. The power of your story will bring hope to many, and the purpose of your life will reach people and places you never thought possible. Your human family will bring you love, serenity and inner peace and you will give back everything so you can keep it. The 12 steps will feel like the circle of life for you, and these difficult days will just be a small part of the beautiful mosaic of your life. You will look back on it with peace as you know you are free to never go back there.

Freedom & Peace & Love to you precious one.

Tasha wrote:

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There is only one way out for the alcoholic. Total abstinence. I would venture to say total abstinence from the disease of alcoholism is the only way out for you too Melly. For the alcoholic, there needs to come a time when they hit a bottom, see they are dying and decide they want to live! For this they must find hope that it is possible. They must believe in themselves - just a shred - to get themselves to the doorstep of help. When we take continue to enable the disease... we block them from this bottom - where the real person lives and might find a moment of clarity when the disease has nothing left to grasp onto for survival. So with that in mind, I am not here to tell you to leave Melly. Or to shame you for not leaving sooner, or tomorrow. In some ways, leaving you to hit your bottom is the most loving thing I could do for you, or anyone suffering from alcoholism - drinking it or not.

I believe there is a real you in there that will cherish itself for maybe the first ever time - find that moment of clarity and hope - and you will swiftly move to the doorstep of help for yourself. I believe the real you will emerge slowly and delicately into the world as a beautiful flower blooming into the sunlight of the spirit - vulnerable yet gloriously graceful. 

While I hold this belief and faith - I whisper prayers for you into the universe, and I know that HP does have something wonderful in store for you. You will emerge into the world grateful for all of this, as only a person who knows true suffering is able to appreciate the smallest things in life as you already do in many ways. This deep appreciation for who you are, and all you've been through will shine and soar through the world, and you will bring inspiration to many with your beautiful writing and touching story of triumph over a deadly disease.

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 Melly I am using some of Tasha's post here b/c it is so spot on.....I was in your shoes...I did the dance,  I was being worn out, washed out, depleted......and I know I come on in a "cut to the chase"  way and I shoot from the hip, but It is b/c I  just HATE to see another human being suffer the way I did...Nobody for a long time knew how unhappy I was with AH #1...Nobody, I was real good at denial...Then came the complaining about him to get pity, some validation, some reason to live b/c I was so sick , too sick to validate myself...As I posted above.....

I spoke my truth on my "above posts"  but what I failed to say is that underneath all that pain, I see a bouncy, spicey, funny, intelligent enough human being to really make a difference in this life, as Tasha said, sharing your story with the newbies...Along with me, we CAN make a difference....I do believe that you CAN......I do hope you read all our posts and pray and meditate on them and it speeds up your claiming you....

I also pray for you...I talked w/my HP today, in my truck driving home from my gym, that I was powerless but Creator is not...We are all part of this universe Melly and we are all interdependent on each other....We need each others experience, strength and hope.....You are as valued and important as a part of this universal network as the oldest "oldie" here or the newest "newbie" here, or the souls who are not in recovery....We all are Creator's little treasures........Nobody is better than the next one.....

I just see you going through what I went through and I can relate to all of it........But as Tasha said, perhaps the most loving thing I can do, the most humane gesture I can make is to "let you hit your bottom" so you come out in all your potential splendor and you realize your real purpose....You have a good heart...I see that....I know I come on strong but it is out of caring for ANYone I see suffering, when it can be stopped.....

You know what would make me do a BIG GRIN????   Miss Melly deciding to love herself and her reaching out to the stars b/c the stars are our angels sending their beacons of love to all of us so we can find our way back again, but we gotta reach out for it......

Just went through something as you've described with some of my siblings. As much as I was hoping for a different reality in relationship to them - most especially since my Dad is so sick - it didn't happen. In talking with my sponsor and dealing with my own desire to have a healthy relationship to them, I realized I was barking up the wrong tree. I can't have a healthy relationship to sick people who haven't chosen recovery and have such low self-esteem they can't process loss or hard change without finding somebody to blame, shame, or scapegoat for how they are thinking, feeling or behaving.

In seeing my own part - wanting something I can't have with them - and my childhood behavior of trying to save face - I turned to those who would support me without criticizing me and who could also help me work through a dynamic that has been on-going in my family for generations using program tools to include their own e/s/h. The difference between me pre-Alanon and me today is that I see there is something amiss in those complex and oft-times painful dynamics. Rather than demanding my siblings make changes if not aloud at least mentally, I used program tools to include my sponsor to help me make the changes that were mine to make to include self-validation, keeping my side of the street clean, noticing my true feelings and thoughts in relationship to siblings inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, choosing to limit my exposure to them without telling them they needed to change, and spending my time with "attic people rather than basement people."

I'm truly sorry that your experience in relationship to your family of origin is sometimes very difficult. I'm very impressed that you are looking for ways to make changes that are within your power to make now without going into default mode consistently and firing back at them.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 3rd of February 2014 06:13:20 AM

Yes I certainly feel loved here

Just to clarify, when I said "leaving isn't practical right now" I meant right then, that night when I was writing it, this week....in the then and there I still had to deal with home as it is and find a way to handle what was going on. It wasn't a suggestion that I think it's a good idea to stay or that I'm trying to convince myself that it will be alright. I don't feel any real attachment to who ABF is now. I feel some sadness and grief over who he might have been, or who I thought he was, but not to who he is and probably will always be now. I can't even remember the last time I enjoyed anything about being around him. Anything at all. Sometimes I imagine that there is someone I love hidden underneath it all but there really probably isn't. That's probably a lie I tell myself so that I don't feel all alone.
I do know for sure that even if a miracle occurred and he found some kind of recovery, he would owe so many amends to himself, his estranged children, his past....I would never, ever be a priority in fact he'd probably continue to use me to serve THOSE priorities as well...I've given up that codie dream that he will suddenly realise how amazing I am and spend his life making it up to me...lol. The thought of living without him doesn't fill me with terror or even real sadness anymore. The more I learn to like me, the more I know that there will likely be someone else, some day, who will see ME for who I AM and love ME without trying to strip away every little part of me that they see as useful for their own survival. I've said this before. I'm just reinforcing it for me because I got a little bit lost in the old patterns for a bit.
Where my biggest mistake NOW lies is in thinking that since I now behave so differently and stay out of his business, he should respond accordingly and stay out of MY business. It won't happen like that. Hence the childish games, from both of us. I get it, or I get it a lot better than I did before. He will never stop trying to push me back into the role of enabler and doormat; I will never stop fighting back and demanding my right to live freely and unhindered- what a waste of energy.

So too with my mother, my aunt...well, it wasn't until all of this that I realised, I was expecting them to respond to the changes I feel in me and suddenly treat me completely differently! I didn't know it but deep down I think I still believed that all of the past difficulties had been because I was so damaged, difficult, unlikable, therefore me with a better attitude had to equal better relationships, right? No? Ahh, now I see. Or I begin to. They- ABF, my family- have all grown up in really dysfunctional addiction-fuelled families. None of them have the benefit of recovery programmes or people who understand, support or encourage them. I do. I am the lucky one.

So as G2B said, you can't expect to have healthy relationships with unhealthy people. It's not a case of "I'm getting better so my relationships with them will get better too". Actually they are getting worse. Needy people don't like it when you change and start taking care of yourself. They perceive that you no longer care about them in that needy, desperate to please way that you once did, and they try to change you back. I would have done the same thing, before. It is not good for me to spend the majority of my time with these people, whether I love them or not.

So, meeting tomorrow. Dinner with my one decidedly healthy friend on Friday. I'm very much looking forward to those things. My mother used to always tell me "all of your problems are due to the fact that you surround yourself with riff-raff". No, not riff-raff, but I do surround myself with draining, negative people and it brings out the worst in me.
I saw a quote that spoke to me today.
"If people can't see the real you, it's because they don't deserve to".
I liked that.

You are right....as you get healthier you can let go of what you thought you needed, what you thought was OK because you didn't want to be lonely. I love you Melly for your honest and upfront continued support for yourself and everyone here. What you say makes me think of me and my situation. One day at a time it gets better and better....I like that. I feel good that I can do anything if I am honest with myself.


Keep up the good work and keep coming here with your thoughts.

(((( hugs ))))