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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Adult son recently home from Rehab and I suspect he is drinking again.
Post Info TOPIC: Adult son recently home from Rehab and I suspect he is drinking again.
Pamela1954


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Adult son recently home from Rehab and I suspect he is drinking again.
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Things have not been good since my adult son got home from rehab.  The plan is for him to get on his feet financially and move out in 2-3 months.  We had been going in his room looking for evidence of him using and found questionable things.  Our counselor says we are to back off so we have, but it is so hard.  She says he has to get sober by himself.  He's still at home because we lived in denial and enabling for many years and he also has severe ADHD  and that is another whole problem as he has difficulty managing time.   He is on medication and is getting a counselor to help him cope with time.  We have started going to AlAnon meetings and they are helping tremendously.  I was feeling good today until I accidently found beer cans in the trash.  It was like a punch in the stomach.  This is so hard, but we have a plan.  Once his using is evident we will give him a list of sober livings, detoxes and rehabs and he will have to leave.  I know the time will come quickly and I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I know he wants to be sober as he says so but he's not doing it and I'm so frustrated I want to ring his neck, but I am learning it is a disease and I have to give compassionate yet be firm.  I guess I will be relieved when his relapse is out in the open and I will get him out of the house because he is 33 and I am 59 and DH 62 and it is so hard.  thank you for listening.    



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grateful2be


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Hi. I know this is so hard. I, too, have a son who is an active-A. Al-Anon and MIP has been a big help for me, too. Others will come on, but I did want to welcome you!

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Pamela1954


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Thank you for the  welcome.  It is helpful to talk to people who are going through a similar experience.  



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Sweet Stanley


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Welcome!!  I do not have an A son, but have an AH.  I remember finding the empty bottles after rehab... It is devastating. Stay strong in your program, set your boundries, and love your son (not the disease). If he is drinking...soon he will not be able to hide it. Alcoholism is such a cunning, baffling disease. The compulsion to drink is astounding. I know there are others here with A children that will give you much ESH.   We are glad that you are here. The wisdom, honesty, and hope here, will help you tremendously.

 



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Sweet Stanley
Cathyinaz


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Welcome Pamela

I too have a A son. I enabled him for 5 long years until I discovered Al-anon and found out how wrong it was to enable him. I stopped about a year ago and just before Christmas he was finally going to be homeless but his father took him in. He has not held a job in 5 years, detox many times and after his last rehab. he was drinking in 4 days. It's so sad but we have to let go of them of nothing will ever change. As long as they have a enabler they can continue with their drinking.

Set your boundaries, continue with Al-anon and keep coming here because you are not alone and there is help for you.

((( hugs )))


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Debilyn


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oh that does hurt. You are right, stick to the consequences. HE made the choice knowing you would tell him to leave. So honestly that is all one has to say. I have said things like that to people.

"I am sad you made the choice to move out, the deal was no drinking, and getting to live here anymore." period.

I don't believe in giving them lists or directing them. They are adults, we need to stop enabling and show them the door.

Remember it is the right thing to do even though I know it hurts! He will live with you forever with his disease if you allow it.

My exAH could not move back to mommies as she is in foster care now, but he lives with one of her friends! how icky is that?

Please keep coming and letting it all out. It won't be easy, but by allowing him to stay is helping his disease to keep ahold of him. it loves to be comfortable.

He may need rehab five more times!` He knew or knows as soon as he stepped out of rehab, AA was holding the door for him 90 meetings for 90 days!

sending you lots of love, we care,debilyn



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barbaralewis


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you found the cans today....so his drinking is evident today.

the first time my A dtr came home from rehab, she did not take it seriously and refused to go to meetings and did not accept that she could NEVER drink again. So she pretended that she was just hanging out with her old friends and NOT drinking. Actually she was hanging out with her old friends AND drinking....on top of her antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds. We believed her as we usually did when she explained away her injuries and said she just slipped on a friend's hot tub, and that they were drinking but she was not. Well, that was just another lie of course. We believed her, ( i never realized what a good liar she was)and trusted that she was being sober and responsible for 4 months, and we thought she was ok, so we left town for a business trip, and then while we were gone she called up an old friend and went hog wild partying and then attempted suicide.

she ended up in another rehab that got through to her, and she is in AA now, but we almost lost her.

so..i would say...and please bear in mind that i am new here and not really qualified to offer advice, but i would note that you already have the proof in front of you...don't ignore it. i know your heart is breaking.

((hugs)) t

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texas yankee


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I have an adult child addict son - 28 - and like your situation, it's heartbreaking when they stray off the path - mine isn't currently using crystal meth, but his life is a wreck - a long story that I won't bore you with - LOL, you have your own sad story, anyway, and I'm sure that one sad story is more than enough!

Anyway, in addition to going to a lot of AlAnon meetings, two things that have helped me are 1) reminding myself almost constantly that when I do get a text or talk with my son, is most likely the disease that's talking through him - I know that my son loves me and that he want's to live a good life, but the disease in him is so unbelievably strong that it controls most aspects of his life - he's not working a program.

Also, 2) it took me a long time for me to stop rationalizing MY enabling actions and stop "helping" my son financially. Every "loan" had a valid reason, as far as I was concerned - but it was his disease reaching out to me, trying to survive - it took me a LONG time to control that character defect of mine.

But ya know what? I've been working very hard on Step 7 and Step 3 lately, and I've FREQUENTLY (almost constantly, really) been asking my HP to give my son the clear vision to see the right path for him and the courage to take it, and that my HP gives me the strength to detach with love and get out of His way - and WOW, somehow, I'm now able to stand back, get out of the way, and NOT interfere and enable my son and NOT constantly wonder what's going on in his life - I can't control what goes on anyway, even if I knew the details of his daily life.

For today, I am grateful for the serenity I'm experiencing.

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Gaby


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I too have an adult A son. I was his biggest enabler. He did rehab for 5 months and he came home. One month later he relapsed hard and ended up homeless. Today he is in jail. His disease almost killed me and him, but with this program and face to face meetings. And my higher power. I am ok today. For us it is also one day at a time. Many prayers for our Addicts and us. You are not alone. No advice can be given .. I too was looking for answers. But a lot of encouragement harsh or not is to help save us. I thank every one here that has helped me get through the moment.

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el-cee


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Hi Pamela

My son is 20 and I can see how this constant cycle can go on and on unless we have the courage to break it as much for our sake as theirs. Its no life living with an alcoholic, especially an adult child because its the waiting for things to go wrong again, the drama, living on your nerves, the knot in the stomach, just the whole messy situation. Its a truly horrible situation. I so want to let go of my son, just send him out there, out into the world, sink or swim, give me peace to focus on myself. They take up so much of our thoughts, our whole lives. I do understand. Im getting sick, sick sick of the whole thing and Im hoping I get sick of being sick at some point really soon. Thanks for sharing.x

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Pamela1954


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Thank you so much all for your replies and your stories and your kind thoughts. I am away overnight on a little mini vacation and all I can think of is my son. The hurt is unbearable. We have a counselor and we are just starting with al anon and I have learned a lot on what I can and cannot control. I will pray to my HP and take everything one day at a time. We are planning to get him out of the house soon. I know that will be a good start. Very hard as you all know to not let this consume your life.

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Cathyinaz


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You can do anything you want if you want it bad enough. Just take it one day at a time. Progress not perfection is the key

((( hugs )))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
Rose50


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I too am a mother of an adult AS. The last time I heard from him was 2 weeks ago. He left me a voice mail asking for his sister's phone number. The number he called from was yet another hospital. I haven't heard anything since and you know it's better that way. It took me over 3 years to get to the point of detaching and allowing him to deal with his problems. It's been a tough road and who knows what the future holds, but I need to live my own life. I had placed everything on hold for him and it didn't get me anywhere. All the money spent, all the worrying and anxiety and no change.

I have come to know that nothing will change until he truly wants it. Notning I or anyone else can do to help. Sad but so true.

I strongly recommend Al-Anon meetings. You are not alone.

((hugs))

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Pamela1954


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Thank you for sharing Rose.  I understand your pain.  Your post really hit home with me.  All the money, the worrying the anxiety, and nothing has changed.  I'm like a hamster spinning on a wheel.  It is better to detach and that day is coming very soon for me.  I am attending the meetings and realizing a lot of things.  



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Rose50


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For me it was a process --- I was in denial for a long time. Then I started attending Al-Anon meetings and very slowly came to accept that my son's actions were out of my control. I got sick and tired of spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

Keep posting - we understand your pain.

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Meemee


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This is my very first post. My A son, 25 years old, completed rehab in November. December was bad. January was a fresh start and he is now 6 weeks sober. Tonight after his meeting he is getting coffee with an old high school girlfriend. I'm a wreck.  Maybe I should add that he has not left the house much in those 6 weeks.  It's hard to trust him again after a relapse.



-- Edited by Meemee on Thursday 6th of February 2014 08:39:19 PM

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KennyFenderjazz


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Meemee, welcome to MIP! Are you in Al Anon? Going to meetings and talking to others with similar problems and getting encouragement, hope, and strength is a great thing to help me through my AW's newly started sobriety. It's so great, yet so delicate!

Peace
Kenny

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Adult son recently home from Rehab and I suspect he is drinking again.