The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks everyone for responding during this time. Whats hard about all this is the trust is gone. How do you ever build that again? Now he's going to AA meetings, said he was sorry. Even is recognizing he needs treatment. But what really pisses me off, is this is all about HIM. And what he needs. Never mind our adult kids and what they need. Never mind me or our grandson whom we raise. All I know is this. Alcoholism is a very SELFISH DISEASE.
And at what point do you walk away, or stay? I feel so empty inside. I know I'm not alone. But, WOW. I don't know how anyone stays. I am in a position that moving out would not be a good idea, as our grandson is special needs, and needs stability. I dont want to be alone. I loved having a mate, or a best friend. But S***I'll get a cat.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 29th of January 2014 08:54:25 PM
I can so so relate to your share I was so angry after my A got sober and early sobriety is sometimes harder than when they are drinking (just my opinion).
Are you attending al anon meetings? this disease has affected you also it is great to be able to talk to others who really understand what we have been through and to hear how they used al anon to improve their lives.
If you are not attending I would suggest you find your nearest meeting and give it a try what have you got to loose?
This disease tears our family apart al anon and AA support us to slowly put it back together. No one can say if you should stay or go but if you attend meetings you will find your own answers.
Yes, it is a selfish disease and recovery requires more selfishness on the part of the A - although this time it is a healthy kind of self-interest that is required for the A to save their own lives. The good news is that we get to get selfish ourselves in a healthy way in the Al-Anon Recovery program. We learn how to let go of the A, focus on ourselves and our needs, take care of ourselves first! Al-Anon meeting attendance will help you decide if you want to stay or walk away. Keep coming back here, too. I have 3 cats. They are also a responsibility. They're not trainable. But...here's the good news...they're fairly low maintenance and you don't have to walk 'em.
It is all about my A, too. I realized I could speak up for myself, and he probably wouldn't even register it. I began speaking out loud for myself in many ways. Initially, he didn't know what that sound was. It has become a no-risk good way to find myself, because his focus on himself is in no danger of dissolving.
My recovery is all about me, as his is about him. It's no value judgment, it's just reality. I no longer worry about appearing kind of supportive. I am me. Liberating! He is free to pursue what he wants. We meet each other - but I'm not worried about his behavior dictating my life. I feel much better.
I want to thank you for your post. I can relate to the things you said. Everyone kept telling me I would know when it was time for me to walk away, and they were right. I didn't walk away, but I kicked him out, legally. Anyway, I ended up taking him back and yes, I knew when that time was right too.
You're right about the selfishness. Even in sobriety, the selfishness continues. For a long time, I kept my feelings to myself because I didn't want to upset him or rock the boat. I wanted to be the supportive wife in his time of need. In the past couple of weeks I have found it very difficult to keep my feelings to myself. When I do express my feelings, he becomes the victim and plays the whoa is me card, telling me everything is his fault, and he's trying to get a job, blah, blah, blah.
I have been upset about this until I read your post and realized that his reactions are probably just a part of this whole process. I still have the right to express my feelings as long as I am not being cruel. I have a right to tell him I need him to get one job to help me out since I have four jobs of my own!
By the way, I have two cats and three dogs, along with my two young children! I totally understand that need for companionship. You'll know what to do when the time comes.
Stay strong.
I can relate to your anger and confusion. Thanks for your sharing. Like others here I have cats too! Alas, my A and I are separated. I am grateful for Al-anon, for those who share their ESH so humbly here and in f2f meetings. Find your place among us and perhaps your path like mine will be more positive and peaceful. I send u my best.
Where there are two affected by this disease there is mostly two of everything...wishes, wants, behaviors, beliefs and all that. I learned that working the same program of recovery would and could keep me and my spouse moving in the same directions and just not walking in the same place at the same time. That is okay with me because there are times we grow from each other and other times when we grow with each other...there is a difference. Of course there are times when the lane she is on moves away from the lane I am on and vice versa however we know how to be responsible to our relationship rather than to be totally responsible for it. I have my own character and personality and she her's which is the flavoring. I build trust one day at a time and by not being so rigid in my expectations (with anyone). I also build trust by being honest with myself about "my part in it". ((((hugs))))
Welcome to our board and thanks for your share. In the beginning I remember how 100% of my focus was on the alcoholic, obsessing about if he's coming home, is he in a blackout, is he with another woman, will he, wont he, why, when, what, where and how etc and I had 0% awareness of myself. I was reminded at meetings that I was just as mired in my disease as he was in his and it was my job to get help to understand about my contributions to the insanity that haunts every alcoholic home. Did I resent it that getting sober required him to keep his focus on himself? You bet!
The magic event has occurred! He put the plug in the jug and now he's supposed to be spending his time with me after neglecting me all those years. Instead he's working on his recovery as much as he worked on staying drunk, getting a drink, or thinking about a drink. So it turns out that our "If only he would stop drinking everything would be how I want it" kind of thinking was also part of the problem and I was the one responsible for changing that thinking and putting the focus back on me where it always belonged. Is it easy? No. Is it simple? Yes. We all go through this stage and the only cure I found was in f2f meetings, reading of the literature and working my own steps. I hope you find meetings where you can obtain the love and friendship that's available to us in Alanon to help us heal. Hope to see you here sharing how its going.
It is hard. My AW is in recovery, but doesn't have a license (two DUIs in 6 months), and we live in the boondocks. So I drive her to a lot of meetings. I start feeling pretty neglected when she wants to go to a meeting, and I end up in the car for 3 hours due to having to rearrange schedules, etc. However, the most important thing in my life is her recovery.
The next to most important thing is *my* recovery. Perhaps once I am more recovered, we can sit down and discuss the driving to meetings without me wanting to start a fight because I am so angry about all this. Otherwise, at this point I just try to paste a smile on and remind myself to be happy because she is still alive.
Maybe I have my priorities backwards, but right now that is what they are. I plan on getting them straightened out as part of the recovery process.
Plus, I tell myself this - if she were threatened by cancer, and she had to have 3 or 4 chemo treatments a week, and I had to ferry her to the hospital to get them, I would do it. And I wouldn't complain to her about it, because I know it's not her fault and she already feels like crap, instead I would find somebody else at the hospital to complain to while we were in the waiting room waiting on our SO to do their work. Which is one of the basic functions of Al Anon.
Peace Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Thursday 30th of January 2014 11:52:13 AM
I am assuming your not attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself . I hope you find time to take care of your own recovery . Sobriety is not easy for anyone but with two programs in the house it is much easier . Focus on yourself and leave him to AA . We had a part in this mess so we too have to make changes like it or not . I tried to focus on how long I prayed for sobriety in our home and started to enjoy the good days .. and yes I agree alcoholism is a selfish disease , but sobriety is hope that things will get better eventually. a 10 min coffee break with a sober husb beats a day with a drunk anytime , make it enough . I needed support from people who understood exactly how I felt , meetings and sponsorship changed my life for the better long before my husb sought sobriety . Lower your expectations of what sobriety looks like to you change dosent happen over nite . There is always hope , don't give up . Louise
