The material presented
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level.
We got into a nice big fight. I know that it stems from me not keeping myself in recovery. I am just so friggin tired of not being normal. I am tired of fighting this crap, this crap feeling. tired of trying so hard to feel better. I guess I gave up and got swept back out to sea.
It was that time for me and I was also sick with a bad cold, so I think i forgot take my citalopram. and When I am PMSing I really need a double dose. My mind goes haywire. I throw things etc. THIS is when *I* need support. And he actually did a pretty ok job of telling me we would get through it. But that doesn't mean that I like it...needing the help... Or that I don't hate that I am heavily contributing to this insanity.
I want him to get better so much, and I have a hard time with the thought that he can actually get better...because I am such a mess. Where is the hope. Will I live in this Whacked up world for ever. Do I love him, does he love me, or does he want me around cause he can't bare to be alone. I really do think he loves me. But then again, I am having a hard time loving me. I am feeling so low. I already had a weight problem before..and just got on the scale a few weeks back to realize that I gained 50lbs since this ordeal began in july. So now I am literally uncomfortable in my own skin (not to mention my clothes)...and I am tired from being ill, plus drained from being an emotional wreck, plus have no motivation to do much of anything good for myself - especially not sweat!
I have yet another hill to climb. And I am just about ready to give up. And I would love to say that this is just me talking and that I am on my side of the street, but I would be lying. I have a LOT of my happiness tied up in my husbands behavior.
even if we take the drinking out of the equation. I like to be quiet in the morning, he is wide a wake and rowdy. I want to be alone, he wants me to hang out with him cause he is constantly bored. If i AM alone - He likes to bug me from downstairs. For the most part i feel like this is typical non-drunk related. We have had a winter storm here (like most of you probably) so He has been cooped up more than usual, plus we are both ill. So the frustration is mounting. the things I do drive him crazy, and visa versa. I am out of energy and want to throw in the towel. I can only think I would be happier alone. But I am sure it is only an empty threat.
-- Edited by sadsusie on Wednesday 29th of January 2014 03:56:52 PM
are you attending meetings, I always feel better after a meeting. Sometimes it used to seem like climbing a mountain to get there and then when I came out at the end of the meeting I felt so much more positive.
This is just my ESH.
I went down, I was depressed, I lost all hope, my life became unmanageable. these were the effects of the disease on me.
However on a more positive note although I could not fix my partner and was powerless these other things I could work on.
HOW? one day at a time, some times 5 minutes at a time. I got to lots of meetings, I got phone numbers and spoke to people between meetings, I read my books, came on here , prayed and worked hard at gaining contact with my HP. got a sponsor , worked the steps, found Tracy.
Slowly I began to feel more positive the more I handed my partner over to HP and got the focus on my life the better it got. I also put on lots of weight, I was comfort eating once I felt better I began to look at this I have just lost a stone and have another one to go.
Today I love me and my life is my priority my partner has gone to AA but that was his journey I had to keep my hands off and let it begin with me.
keep coming back it works if you work it and you are worth it .
(((((Susie)))))....Holy Moly!!! when I got like that I was starting to look for spaceships to get me off the face of the earth and none showed up then HP sent me to a meeting and that did it soooo after that I just kept duplicating the process as suggested. After a while it turns around and life gets hugely better. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I was attending meetings, but was sick and missed two weeks of alanon, Coda and church.
It's a slippery slope.
My AH likes to "encourage " me to be committed to this relationship ...the way he is since I'm crazy too.
He reminds me that ...well in more kind words..,that he's the golden boy and no one ever understood why he married me, but he defended me
Cause he loves me.
What a manipulative asshole!...?
I have no doubt in my mind whatsoever that it's the truth. (None of his friends knew/know how flipping amazing I am) but it still affects my psyche.
We fight one of us leaves...then he always comes back to "make it better" this time whispering loudly to the cat not to get near me or she'll catch my craziness.
He wants credit for always making the effort to make it better. But I rarely feel better ....until he leaves again.
One of the things I did which you will hear in your meetings if you haven't done it yet is "no attending every fight I was invited to" by the alcoholic. When I "just didn't engage or react" it surprised the hell out of my alcoholic/addict and she was at a loss to respond. Sponsor was sooo right on in this and I kept doing it...or not doing it. (((((hugs)))))
I know the country you're in right now so intimately. Like the others have said, I find what I need here, at meetings, in the literature, talking to a sponsor. I also hear how deeply you are in your depression right now. I suffered from that so much and still do off and on. But I had to learn to fight my demons with kindness to myself. I learned to be loving and gentle with ME and let the A take care of himself. As I was told, what someone else thinks or says about me is none of my business bbecause today I know I am a beloved child of my higher power and I have worth and value by just being me. I'm also worthy of love, respect and getting my needs met. If that's not happening in my current situation then I need to look at changing how to take care of me when others don't care what I need and deserve. If I'm supposed to take myself to live in another country besides crazyland, that is my choice to go and I'll know it when the time is right.
When people try to hem me in by telling me who I am, only I can choose not to go along with it. Be kind to ((((((ss))))))) and do some self care like a hot bath, or sitting at a window watching the beautiful world outside as you read and meditate on the things in our literature that help us heal. Read a fluff novel, talk to a friend, windowshop online, whatever makes you feel a lift. For now, hide the scale and stop listening to all the negatives. Instead start focusing on what's good and right about you and don't listen to the inside talk about what's wrong with you. You're great just the way you are and eventually you will know it, too.
Hi Susie, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I appreciate your honest share, I so get the PMT, its horrible and I get a bit crazy too. It sounds like you have really came into reality and left that rose coloured place called denial, thats so good, uncomfortable and sad but much better in my experience. I love the three A's - Awareness, Acceptance and then Action. I try and think of these with my own situation, I am also living with active drinking and I cant stand it, none of it, the behaviours, the boredom, the attitudes, its all getting a bit much and now and again I get a glimpse of life without it and I crave peace of mind, sanity, clear thought processes, sound sleep. Its there for the taking but that little word 'Action' is just a little out of reach still for me. Sounds like you are getting closer. I hope you feel better soon.x
One of the things I did which you will hear in your meetings if you haven't done it yet is "no attending every fight I was invited to" by the alcoholic. When I "just didn't engage or react" it surprised the hell out of my alcoholic/addict and she was at a loss to respond. Sponsor was sooo right on in this and I kept doing it...or not doing it. (((((hugs)))))
Yep...they can't play tug o war with me if I don't pick up that rope......I had a dry drunk sister (i cut her loose from my life b/c it was just plain toxic being even near her) anyway, she LOVED to "stir the pot" get on facebook and really start some crap.....I just let her bury herself and went my merry way.....drove her nuts b/c I was not picking up the rope......omg..recovery has SO taught me how to live for me and healthier.....i ended up blocking her on FB so i can't see her posts and she can't see any of mine of mutual friend's boards...blocked her cellphone and those phones she could use to "get at me" with a nasty text...did the whole "blocking" thingy....life is so peaceful w/out that.........and I, too, learned the ole "don't attend any fight I was invited to" at a meeting....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I got busy LIVING, it was EASY to let live. I love lists. I made a list of all the things I "used" to enjoy BF the chaos of addiction/alcoholism entered my world. In open AA they say Trust God, Clean House and Help Others It was a minute BF I understood that clean house meant me..and not my house of dwelling--so I cleaned house and decluttered, got organized..it was great and very symbolic of what I needed to do inside. I went by the rule of 5 ..
The rule of 5 is commit to only 5 things at a time
Say you have a lot of clutter. Pick up and deal w/5 things each day..at the end of the week 35 things have been handled at 2 weeks 75 things have been handled with very little effort on my part.
Piles of laundry? Do 5 small loads and put away
Kitchen drawers a mess- Organize 5
Fold 5 towels, put away 5 things, throw out 5 items,
You get 5 bites of dessert, 5 minutes on the treadmill, etc.
At the end of the week I am not overwhelmed and not exhausted..
It gave me a goal, that was reasonable, ascertainable and a victory I could celebrate..
Once I learned the true meaning of what "clean house" meant, I could apply it in my Al-Anon program as well. Let go of five resentments, make 5 amends etc.
Routine is important, Order is important. Get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Make your bed as soon as you get out of it and decide you will not get back in it. Eat Breakfast--these things will become a habit if you just keep busy doing them little, by little. Humans were designed to be productive, we feel better when we have accomplished something. We have to focus on something besides the A and what they are doing or not doing, and by keeping busy my side of the street is clean and my life is full and I enjoy it and therefore people enjoy me more. WIN WIN
-- Edited by Ifnotforgrace on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 04:09:51 AM
__________________
IF you can not be a good example; then you will just have to be a horrible warning
Thanks for sharing and big hugs .. I just wanted you to know .. it's ok to feel your feelings .. just don't get stuck and remember this too shall pass. Feelings aren't facts. Because I have only ever been in contact with one major emotion .. anger .. when I feel other emotions they completely overwhelm me. It just helped for me to know it was ok to feel because I have been told even now .. just get over it, you don't feel that way. I had to find a place where I was safe doing that .. I can so that with meetings ESH, and my sponsor who is a very safe place to go and let stuff out. I am reminded to HHALT (the extra H is for hormonal lol). If you are feeling ill now more than ever is a great time to take care of you and your needs. I get more frustrated going to the hardware store looking for bread .. that is a crazy making move. So my sponsor, very good friends, and my therapist are places I can go for bread and they are appropriate places. My mom .. not so much .. lol .. she tries .. she has her own stuff to deal with and tends to say very inappropriate things. It would be like me going to my stbax and thinking he's going to understand what he's put the kids and I through. He can't see through the disease. Maybe it's a good time to think about what you want and need .. how can you heal, grow and take care of you? I hope my post makes some kind of sense .. lol .. it's hard to get it all out from my head to the keypad on my phone! Hugs again!
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
When I got busy LIVING, it was EASY to let live. I love lists. I made a list of all the things I "used" to enjoy BF the chaos of addiction/alcoholism entered my world. In open AA they say Trust God, Clean House and Help Others It was a minute BF I understood that clean house meant me..and not my house of dwelling--so I cleaned house and decluttered, got organized..it was great and very symbolic of what I needed to do inside. I went by the rule of 5 ..
The rule of 5 is commit to only 5 things at a time
Say you have a lot of clutter. Pick up and deal w/5 things each day..at the end of the week 35 things have been handled at 2 weeks 75 things have been handled with very little effort on my part.
Piles of laundry? Do 5 small loads and put away
Kitchen drawers a mess- Organize 5
Fold 5 towels, put away 5 things, throw out 5 items,
You get 5 bites of dessert, 5 minutes on the treadmill, etc.
At the end of the week I am not overwhelmed and not exhausted..
It gave me a goal, that was reasonable, ascertainable and a victory I could celebrate..
Once I learned the true meaning of what "clean house" meant, I could apply it in my Al-Anon program as well. Let go of five resentments, make 5 amends etc.
Routine is important, Order is important. Get up at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Make your bed as soon as you get out of it and decide you will not get back in it. Eat Breakfast--these things will become a habit if you just keep busy doing them little, by little. Humans were designed to be productive, we feel better when we have accomplished something. We have to focus on something besides the A and what they are doing or not doing, and by keeping busy my side of the street is clean and my life is full and I enjoy it and therefore people enjoy me more. WIN WIN
-- Edited by Ifnotforgrace on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 04:09:51 AM
I had to laugh when I read your share infg--if I accomplished 35 things in a week I'd probably be hospitalized! LOL. (I am acronymically impaired so try not to use them and I often don't "get" them when others use them). Lets just say I'm an older alanon and find navigation of some modern technology and some current trends in Alanon philosophy quite difficult to understand and absorb at times. For instance, I just started a topic on technology illiteracy here on the site! Anyway, the reason I laughed is at this stage of my life I would have to have a Rule of 2 or 3...there's no way I could start and finish 5 things in one day. But I can accomplish 2 loads of laundry, clean out 1 drawer, put away 3 things etc. And that's okay. At best, I can deal with things on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. As Ifnotforgrace points out, we humans were designed to be productive but many of us have to accept that we cant be as productive in a day or even 2 like I was 25 years ago. Its part of growing older that challenges all of us in the program if we stick around long enough. I don't know anybody's age but if you're like me, SadSusie, even older ladies/gents can use suggestions by other alanons in ways which honor what we can accomplish. I tend to beat myself up if I don't measure up to what others can do. Accepting my limitations has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I try to recognize when I am being hard on myself for things about myself I cant change or control. As other program philosophy says "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today." Sometimes I have to take baby steps. I hope you are feeling a little better today. We are all pulling for you and as my sponsor used to say, "you're exactly where you're supposed to be."
-- Edited by cwya on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 06:50:43 PM
-- Edited by cwya on Sunday 2nd of February 2014 06:55:57 PM
This is my first post. The topic grabbed my attention because 'a ball of sadness" is exactly how I feel today. Its hard to move, and I dont have the strength needed to take 2 buses to alanon right now. I am already feeling grateful a little just reading the replies. Today we are supposed to be celebrating my sons 25 bday. he relapsed 2 months ago after a year clean. Now we are back to not hearing from him and him flaking on plans. I just read what El cee said about Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I believe that i too have taken off the rose colored glasses of denial and have stopped enabling. I need to stop checking his facebook page and his friends facebook looking to see when he last posted. I work with Addicts all day as an Addiction specialist, but I am an absolute hopeless mess when it comes to my son. My step daughter is also addicted and I barely see my little daughter. I hate this disease, but I so love the people that have it. Thanks for being here.
