Hi Debilyn

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty and I am sorry its not worked out the way you wanted it to. I dont know the full story to be honest but it seems to me like you opened up and were willing to take part in a new adventure and I think that takes a lot of guts. Im still very closed to relationships and letting someone in so I admire you for having the balls to go for it. That alone surely is something to be proud of. I have no suggestions on how to handle your situation, I dont really have a clue so I will let the program weave its magic and wish you the best of luck.x

(((D)))

deb, I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling, I can imagine and understand the emotional attachment you shared with him, out of every relationship , be it friends, lovers, or co-workers we learn something from it, take the good that came out of that relationship and apply towards your growth in a healthier life style for yourself, I can not pass judgement on that man , only he lives his life and only he knows why at this time he can not leave " the wife " I love this poem and I hope you will to , stay strong and know that you are an amazing person with a lot to offer.

A R A I S O N A S E A S O N O R A L I F E T I M E

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

I am sorry for the loss of your hopes and dreams. I wish you strength and admire your candor.thanks for the share.

((Deb))

Sorry to hear you have been so sad ((Debilyn)) you are such a sweet soul, so kind to everyone and everything, it upsets me that you are in such pain and talk of your dreams being lost. I believe your HP would have made this work, if it were the time for this dream to come true in your life. You must still have some work to do there taking care of all your critters for now. They are lucky to have you, that's for sure. I hope you can find some peace tonight in that delicious smelling house of yours!

I wish I knew what to say, I am sorry you hurt and am sending you some love and healing thoughts. Heartache really does hurt and it takes some time to heal from. Hugs too.

I picked up something from your share that seems really true for me also.  Getting overfocused on someone unreliable (I mean "overfocused" because it brings pain when we were hoping for something healthy and not painful) seems to go hand-in-hand with being isolated from others, and being isolated seems to go with overfocusing on someone unreliable.  I know when I'm with someone like that -- and it seems to be my specialty to find them -- it's all about the yearning.  Because they turn out not to be available, and when one obstacle is removed, another one comes to take its place.  So my life becomes more and more focused on them.  When someone wrote that a healthy relationship is about calm and almost taking the other person for granted (in a good way), I was shocked.  Because that's sure not typical of my relationship. 

Anyway, all that focus means I'm less available for friendships and new relationships.  My attention and energy are elsewhere.  And if I feel a bit shy and awkward around people, which I do, any lessening of energy means I'm much less likely to be sociable.

Similarly, when I am feeling isolated and lonely, and a man comes into my life who seems to offer deep connection and relief, I am so delighted that I overlook the red flags.  No more loneliness!  At least that seems like the promise in the beginning.  But then the whole cycle starts up.

It's hard.  It's especially hard when they seem to have something special that is really important to us -- but it comes along with baggage that causes us great pain.  Boy do I know how that goes.

Take good care of yourself.

((((((Debilyn)))))))). So sorry for your pain.  Losing someone in our life is sometimes like a death. Grieve for your loss, there is no time limit, when you are ready, you will move into the next chapter of your life. I do agree that his contacting you again is cruel when he has no plan to make a commitment. You are one very strong woman and you will get past this, I am just so sorry for the pain that this has caused. We are here for you and love you.  Take care....

 

 

 

(((Deb)))...I read your post and hear the elders ask me to read mine as if I were someone else which taught me that I could see the solutions from reading my description of the problem.  We are not blind or dumb.  After I was to read as if I was someone else I was to follow thru with the solutions without faltering using my HP and this program of recovery to arrest my compulsion for relapse.  I intentionally refeel the pain from the past so that it keeps my hand off of the burner and then I bless them for the children of God that they are and express gratitude for that in myself.  Before I came home in 1993 I got a lesson from inside Al-Anon partly with "First things first" and Steps 2 and 3 5 and 11 or the direct God steps.  The realization I got was that "I could not have a relationship with anyone else including myself unless I first had one with HP.  All other relationship hinge on this for me partly because the relationship for me contains the question "What is in your will with this?  I do that in my present marriage.  We all know that life is not a "Bed of roses" and that from the ODAAT daily reader we are told that "Roses have thorns".  I need to keep my hands away from the thorns while I enjoy the beauty.  

 I sure did not expect so many responses!!!! in fact I felt like everyone would want to say shut up and get over it. lol

You guys each one of you honestly I do believe you now. He is playing games with me. I just was not in this space, did not KNOW I had gotten to the point of leave me alone and mean it! That I wanted NOTHING or all. period.

I know him better than anyone, he will not contact me again. I have NEVER told him I cannot accept that,or did not jump or look fw to hearing his voice or any contact.

you guys saw what I didn't. He chose to stay with his family....so stay with them. If he really loved/wanted me, he would divorce her continue our growing relationship and possibly marry me and allow me to love his family. I mean for petes sake that is done you know.

He told me he had to decide was it Debilyn or his family. So he had to choose his family. That includes his wife. He told me when he was getting the divorce everyone was so sad, He felt he was losing his family. Now here I was ready to leave Oregon where I have lived in this area ALL my life, my son, my home to live with him in Louisiana.

So Mr. King Codependant to all of them, chose them. the dyfunctional mess he is familiar too and sick with.

And now he is not even living at the house but two days a week????? Yea you guys are so right.

I was bringing all my animals and could fly anyone I wanted to our place anytime I wanted to.

I want you guys to know, he has helped me when I needed food, moved me back to my home from the cabin where I was so unsafe. HE wrote down all the things he knows about me and he was so right on I was shocked. He just paid my power bill becuz I was freezing and used my electric heat like a dumby.

You are right, I am worth more to myself living alone, than to allow him to give me crumbs. Plus this whole thing has thrown me into I will NEVER take anything from him nor will I request help again. I always planned to pay him back and he knows it.In fact that is a huge reason I am renting my other property for this family to live on it. so I can make it independantly.I have a huge life insurance policy on my exAH. I cannot believe he has lived this long!

But I decided every month I am sending him money in an envelope and that is all. I send it to where he works.

I have NO idea how much "I" feel I owe him. He has never asked for it back. I picked an amount.

wow just never thought of it as you guys shared with me. I honestly did not expect to see people understand. No that is not it. hmmm Its more how can I deserve any support and or love when I should have said how good that was to hear, that he loved me, however come see me and talk to me after the divorce.

Jer i did read my post and all  yours over and over. I see things I didn't realise. Isn't it funny how we don't know something has changed till we write and share it on here. I mean I got that feeling but sharing and reading all the shares really helped me. same as letting your A go, I let him go to fall in his own sorrow for his decision. I don't have to make HIM feel better. what about me?

for some reason I was blinded to the fact he still had a wife, even though he was free to divorce, it was still not Christian of me to talk to him even.

I love love my HP for hanging in there with me. I am so humbled. I am also humbled to feel the strength and determination I have to let it go. Feel very ok with if he comes to me in the future like a
Christian man should, I am open to see where it goes.

yes, I have to be true to my best friend too, my HP is for "me" God the creator, Jehovah, Yawae his name in any other languages. He is my Father, I am or I feel him with me and him with me alll the time. that is why I rarely feel afraid.

I was not being true to him or me by nourishing that relationship. I don't have to tell you how wonderful I felt to wake up thinking I was loved, wanted, had someone to listen to me, talk to me, share dreams, laugh and play. You guys knowmore than anyone how very alone my life is, and how i am pretty much house/home bound due to my disabilities.

Plus it woke up things in me that are not to be opened up unless I am married.

plus I have NEVER been mean to him. I am not mean to anyone for that matter. not my style. I am assertive though. but was not with him. this is the first time. its a huge step, and it came from my heart, did not even think about it or plan it.

Mark, no it is not co of you. I feel the love from everyone. Plus I know if you liked girls you would marry me.hahahahahaha! giggle.

time to throw on farmer debilyns cloths, fix a fence, augie keeps getting out...rrrrr and omgosh can ya believe my house does smell good with eight dogs!

I do have goals of landscaping my front for ME, garden, raising chicks, putting up a green house, planting dahlias and sunflowers for privacy, putting in a little floating around pool, with a " NO ducks" sign.....nice fence around it.glider with flowers all around it, continue with my pond my son dug for me with the back hoe...want to raise an emu too.

Dreams were better thinking of sharing them, but am grateful for what I have....thank you! humbly said!

 

 

Dear Deb, I was just "lurking" and saw this heart wrenching post and HAD to respond

You are doing the right thing to let it go.....talk and talk and post and share about it till it is all out of you....a lost love is devastating.......But lets look at what you GOT

you have your HP

you have your sweet pets who love and need you

you have YOU and that is the biggest thing 2nd to HP

you have your alanon community here who really really care about you....yea, I can't see you but I can relate to your pain....

I think b/c yours and his wants are not the same, cutting it off...not responding to him, I would even block his phone b/c i just would not want ANY contact w/him not until I am reconcilled and at peace with the loss of the dreams i had about being with him....

We all have longings and some of them we can achieve...some we can't...so we talk about it, cry about it, grieve over it and then make our peace w/it....accept it is what it is and decide to move on....

I am alone, too....since having to cut off my daughter for abusive behaviour, I just made my own little life....nawww it isn't what i had wanted, but fighting it was harming me....so i joined up w/this club b/c i can't afford to do rescueing pets anymore....so i go to club and work out....spend that negative energy dong something for me......i just have gotten into me  and caring for me...let the stuff i can't control just fall where it may......her kids don't even come to see me b/c i have no money to spend on them...when the bank dried up, so did their visits.....how sad is that?? to be wanted only for what I could buy for them??? (grandkids)....yea, it sucks to be thrown away by anyone we love, but it happens

we codas have the most kind and loving and caring hearts and its inherant that all we want is for our vast love to be returned....sadly, often, it is NOT...so I have , yes, given up the bitterness of dreams dashed and i make my own life w/ME...working my program , reaching out to friends, co-recovery mates, making myself get out and work out with folks and taking care of me helps.......I just have to focus on me, loving me, caring for me and whatever comes my way, be cautiously open and let them prove they are safe...

at my age, i doubt i will find anyone, but  if i did, he would have to give me TIME...give us TIME b/c i am gunshy.....

Hey being alone "chews"  but it is a whole lot better than living with an abusive drunk who treats me like crap and I am putting up with it b/c I don't have enough self esteem to LEAVE the jerk  (my first marriage)....oh yea, I would never ever want to trade my "now" with the "back then' when I had NO sense of self, NO self esteem, didn't think I could do any better an most likely I was addicted to the drama/chaos........No way...I am better off now....I at least have myself...my self respect....my freedome to come and go as I want....my peace and quiet in my own home....I have ME...My pets...My friends......

when I feel like crap, I get out my grateful list....i work through steps 1,2,3.....i work them and then i look at what is going OK in my life and I do my thank you list....it lifts me up.....

I, too, have been "off" this past few days and dunno why.....i suspect ptsd, something triggered it and b/c I am working out and tiring my muscles/body, I am not full blown down with it, but still off...projecting my future of having to work till i die??? who knows, but it is time to lean on my power most high,  feel my feelings...get out the emotions till i can come to terms with it and then put it on the back burner and move on....1 day at a time

Sending you ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))) of comfort......DL,  this too , really, it will pass.....embrace your feelings, but don't let them plant a garden in that warm heart of yours.....sending you always SUPPORT and I do know how ya feel.....but think of how much better off we are since alanon and for me alanon/coda/aca.....yea, life can stink, but omg, I am waaaay better off now then back pre-recovery.....