Greetings,

I recognise those feelings that you express - the confusion. These days when AH tries to put me down I simply tell him that comments like that make him look like a d***-head. The other element that I am taking a long time to get over is the fact that AH's behaviour completely undermined my opinion of him. It is taking much longer for me to shift my negative view than I expected. Anyway, it helped me to imagine that a friend of mine was in my situation, what would I tell this friend? What advice would she need?

I think it is great that you have made it through the initial interviews for a new job - it sounds like a perfect boost for you. Good luck with that!

Oh sweetie, we all have different situations but if someone's drinking is a problem to YOU, then you are in the right place. My AH is not a daily drinker and many times can just have 2 or 3 beers and control it. But, there's the other side of him, too. When he drinks too much and chooses to go overboard he makes bad decisions, decisions that affect our well being as a family. That was what brought me to Al Anon and to MIP. He is a binge drinker and sometimes goes months without drinking. But, he also has a history of being passive aggressive, verbally abusive, emotionally immature, and condescending, disrespectful, etc.

I found that Al Anon helped with EVERYTHING: not just with the issue I had with his drinking. If he grew up around alcoholism, he has a problem with it even if it's not apparent to others. I'm sorry that your husband is verbally abusive to you, no one should be treated that way. You are a special child of God and deserve better. You can make your life happier by finding the tools of Al Anon and working the program and getting support for yourself. It will help lead you to this: "If you go, you will go well(emotionally, spiritually, and mentally), if you stay, stay well(emotionally, spiritually, and mentally)". Is it easy? No, neither path is easy but you will find some answers and you will find times of peace. Hugs and peace!

Dearest Mia, I asked my Mother that same question. How can I pray for me when there are always others who need it more?

She told me others pain does not diminish the pain I feel. I have a right to feel what I do.

Yes this is the perfect place for you. I don't even have to live with an A anymore, and here I am here. I still need Al Anon in my life. There are A's all around me. Plus I live the concepts of the program.

That is a horrible place to be where you are! I would rather live in a tent, basically did when A finally left for good.

We have had others come here who were in situations similar to yours. I saw them put money back, and making plans to get out. They prepared for it then walked away. It made it much easier for them to be being proactive in making  a better life in the future.

The situation you are in is not unique, however it is horribly painful and killing you slowly.It's not like you want to be with him at all.

Yes you can learn to work on you.

What he says does not matter as it is all his disease talking. The key is for you to learn to deflect it away from you, teach yourself to say, hey that is your problem not mine. Not allow the hurtful evil to even touch you.

I see you are looking for work! Good for you! It shows you still have some self strenth. If this one is not it,I hope you keep going.

You wrote you make sure "we" are out of the way. Are there children and or animals involved?

Your stuff is not small. It will be very challenging for you to find your life again. You can learn to not allow his stuff to tell you what your day will be like.

If he is feeling mean and crabby, maybe you can learn to do things that you enjoy. His stuff is HIS not yours. So you have your own room, I did too, had a tv, computer, phone, door out, some food, bathroom, books, recliner etc in there so I could go there and get some piece. Had headphones too.

I had animals, so spent lots of time with them. There is always something to do if I have animals. I also volunteered at the humane society walking dogs, teaching them fun obediance. If you are not working, there are tons of things you can do to give to others. Giving is the best way to feel better!

Its ok to be selfish! We need to learn to love the things about us.Also need to give ourself the things we need and want. Learning to love our self, is how we truly learn how to love others. We learn to be uncritical of others.

It may all change when a person learns the A is very, very sick. Being an addict is horrible, they crave their drug all the time, they don't like to feel bitter and angry. If they are just not a nice person, still they are miserable.

For me I learned so much compassion for them. Instead of them being the tin god, I looked at them as sick children.

Getting Them Sober is a good book. Toby Rice Drew, volume one. You will find your thoughts and questions in there.

Please, please, know this is where you belong, no question. Even I who have not had to deal with my ex AH and his family anymore, suffer wounds that this spot has helped to heal. When I come here and share and give, it makes me feel better. When I read newcomers in pain, it reminds me of how much work I still have to do. And responding to you helps me heal too. We need you too.

Soon you will be a known person on the board. We have some who have been here many years! I have been blessed to see people grow here for around 12 years now. I would be lost without MIP. I am humbled by the love, compassion and fun we have here.

so hope you stay, share your journey, vent, whatever you want and need to do! Hugz and welcome,debilyn

I wish there was a 'blueprint' or a diagram that would give you the answer you seek. Regardless if he is an alcoholic or not; the demeaning way he treats you is hurtful. Al-anon can help to heal your self esteem and show you the way to believing in your self worth.

For me, walking around on eggshells so that I did not 'wake the beast' became an exhausting way to live. My ABF is not just an alcoholic. He is a narcissist with a borderline personality disorder. That is bad enough but when you add the alcoholic rage he is a walking nightmare. I would venture to guess that most alcoholics could be diagnosed with multiple personality disorders.

Everyone's story is different. I first went to al-anon to find the inner peace and strength to live with a very unhappy person until I am able to activate my 'escape plan'. You see, my ABF constantly puts me down. Mean little digs that are designed to make me feel as small as he must feel himself. He says I will never find a man that treats me as well as he does. Really? I hope I find someone who treats me the EXACT OPPOSITE as the way he treats me. Here is the ironic part of the story. I am the breadwinner and he is the unemployable man with nothing to his name and nowhere to go. Part of the reason I have stayed is that I am dreading the ugly way this is going to end. I now know that dread isn't a way of life. The problem with my escape plan is that he is actually the one that has to go and I will probably have to involve the police to get him out. Dread, dread dread.

I am sorry I babbled on... The bottom line is the al-anon way of thinking can help anyone who is sad and feeling down about themselves or their situation.

My A would binge, and be pretty normal between times. I say "pretty" normal because there was a huge amount of denial going on. She couldn't admit that she drank, or that she would pass out, or that she would be passed out on floor and the school would need to call me to pick him up because she hadn't shown up. She had so much shame when she finally admitted that there was a huge problem.

So, my A isn't like a stereotype either. She doesn't sit at the bar getting slowly soused, I don't call to the bars looking for her, but there is still a HUGE alcohol problem in the family. As evidenced by 2 DUIs in the space of 6 months by AW.


Also, due to alcoholism's progressive nature, it just kept getting worse for us. At first she would be lying on couch incoherent all evening every once in a while. She was recovering from Mononucleosis, so I thought it was chronic fatigue syndrome, which is what happens when someone is still low on energy from mono after 6 months. And every once in awhile, she would get more drunk than she should have at a party, but nothing real bad, just looser than she would have liked. Then after awhile, she was passed out at least once a week, and my son and I were finding bottles. So you see, it kept getting worse, and it will with your AH as well. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this year, maybe not for a long time, but it will happen.

So, yes, I believe you should be here. And you should be getting help for yourself, just like I am, just like we all are.

Peace
Kenny

PS This isn't small stuff! Go to the meeting and you will find out what the small stuff is.

((((Miamommamia)))) you are absolutely in the right place! You need to surround yourself with loving positive people capable of giving you kind messages. The husband seems like he is mostly interested in tearing you down and puffing up himself. I understand your feeling like "my situation is not as bad as another persons." My husband drinks daily too, from after work, until he goes off to bed, I've never seen him pass out, but maybe bed is where he passes out? I think it is as if he is in emotional pain and self medicating the way he drinks, but I'm no doctor. All that matters for you is that your husband is drinking enough or in a way that is effecting YOU. Al-Anon is for you, not him. Congratulations on making the job interview cut. This is progress, he may try to belittle your successes but don't think for a moment he isn't paying close attention and scared to death, you are motivated lady!