Sharing custody with AH.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Sharing custody with AH....

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It might help to consult a good divorce lawyer about this. Mine told me to document everything I could, as in a diary -- "Wednesday the 12th, he was slurring his words after work. Thursday the 13th, found stash of bottles in the basement, took photo." Etc.

The "good" (!) news is that even if he doesn't have a DUI yet, the situation is likely to head downhill, and more clear proof will be available.

Another question would be how likely he is to want custody/visitation, and how vindictive he is generally. Mine is not very vindictive, and he was fine with having only visitation under my supervision for two hours every Sunday. (And because he wasn't vindictive, I didn't mind him coming to my house or having to be there while he saw our child.) Lots of people are not as lucky as I was in that regard. But it is true that many alcoholics are so self-absorbed that visitation or shared custody aren't what they're most concerned about. After all, if they wanted to keep the family together, they could go into recovery, right? But drinking comes first. So it's possible that he may be agreeable to a very limited schedule under supervision. You are best placed to know whether he'll be cooperative or try to make trouble. If making trouble is his choice, that's where the good divorce lawyer comes in. You want one with experience in addiction/custody issues. Thousands of people have faced these situations, and the results have of course been all over the map -- but a good lawyer can maximize the chances of a good result.

Kerrymom · Senior Member

Thanks, right now he is saying the right things "I know I have a problem" lying about going to AA meetings, but is still drinking, granted it is less but I know it won't stay that way. he isn't vindictive or too mean right now but I'm not sure how he will react if/when we go. A journal/record is a good idea

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

The journal in is a good idea but not to the point of playing detective or it consuming you. Just for documentation, not control.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

It may sound underhand but can you take some photos with your phone, hidden bottles, him lying in a drunken stupor, record any of the usual rants that alcoholics love to inflict on us? Also, any witnesses, friends family, who has seen it with their eyes or who have listened to your distress at any time? Get creative and Im sure the evidence is right there for you. Good luck.x

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

What Mattie had said about the fact he may check out completely is totally true. Know what mountain you are willing to die on and realize there are battles you will think are paramount. You could wind up spending a lot of unnecessary money on a mute issue. My stbax has pretty much walked away from the kids after 2 years. He has a lot of documented issues. I still document. Hugs, we are here for you. I do hope u will get help for yourself. As far as pictures .. if you can find pictures of him drinking .. those are the ones you want. People get pretty stupid on Facebook .. that's all I'm saying. If he's going for joint custody you have some power there just talk to an arty to find out what your rights are and your children's rights are. Part of the reason my stbax isn't going for the kids Is because he'd have to have suitable living arrangements 3 bedrooms and so on .. he won't do that. Plus it cuts into his party time .. drinking time. Hugs ..

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I actually woke up and re-read what I wrote and can see now! Lol! Anyway, what I would have you keep in mind when you do get something in writing make sure you cover everything .. pick up, drop offs, communicating, holiday visits, based upon joint custody .. clothing, there are other things as well .. you get the gist, if you say he can't drink when he has the kids ..that can backfire on you. No record .. well guess what .. neither can you. I still drink a glass of wine with a meal from time to time .. nothing outside of that .. to be told if my kids are with me I can't drink at all and they are with me 99.9% of the time. No .. not happening. There are ways around it. Now we went to meditation and he agreed to everything I asked for which honestly wasn't much .. I took the attitude .. keep the kids safe and I'm good. It went a great distance for me. He hasn't signed .. that's on him. Mine IS very vindictive and manipulative. So he's using the divorce and delay to wear me down. Apparently, ... he truly never knew me. While I'm ready .. I have the luxury of time on my side. I've been in process for 19 months. He's been out for 2 years. It's been a truly amazing experience. It hasn't been easy .. it has been rewarding! :)

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