How to handle my Mom when she takes her drunk husband back for the fourth time. - Al-Anon Family Group

bethinks · Newbie

How to handle my Mom when she takes her drunk husband back for the fourth time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome to MIP. Your Mom's husband has a disease that no one including him can control, cure or cause. There is nothing to forgive. He's sick. She's sick. They know where to find help if they choose it. They already knows it works because they've worked it.

I can certainly understand your not wanting to be caught up in the drama of their setbacks in treatment. I can also understand your anger towards both sick people, too.

I'm not sure if you attend Al-Anon? If not, you may want to go to at least 6 meetings yourself before you decide if Al-Anon is right for you. Alcoholism is a disease that affects whole families. Al-Anon offers us solutions that help us live our lives as serenely and as sanely as possible. Please keep coming back here, too. We've been there or we are there. We understand the crazy-making progress of this disease in ourselves and in our loved ones with the disease of alcoholism.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Be and welcome to the board which is mostly membered with Al-Anon members. Al-Anon members don't give advise (mostly) however we do share our experiences...strengths...and hopes with those who come here to Miracles in Progress. Al-Anon and AA are not religion based spiritual program however you will hear God and Higher Power/HP mentioned quite often. Alcoholism is not a moral issue...it is an AMA defined disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease in that if the alcoholic was to stop drinking for any period of time and then continue it would be as if no time of being dry existed and very often it will be worse. Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with...family, friends and associates and we become as affected as the alcoholic although we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality and therefore go thru events wide awake. This is a fatal disease and while the alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity and or death we have much the same three choices...serenity, insanity or death.

When I got into Al-Anon; into the face to face meetings of the family groups I was told early on that I should remove myself from all things alcohol and I did that rather than make another attempt at fixing the solution on my own. I was a candidate then of the insanity and death options and so I left my alcoholic/addict wife and my family of origin. I was born and raised in the disease and everyone in my life was horribly affected by it. I could only take care of myself and so it was I who chose to fix me and no one else. I know what you and your mom and her husband are going thru. Without help from those who have been there and learned a different way of living the problem with get predictably worse and worse (progression) which you are experiencing. You don't handle you Mom or her drunk husband cause like us and her and him and everyone else you are powerless over it. You've tried everything and have ended up here at MIP because what you have tried isn't working...It won't. We have 3cees which we use to get perspective...We didn't Cause it. We cannot Control it. We will not be able to Cure it.

More MIP members will be coming to your assistance soon...Listen. (((((hugs))))) smile

bethinks · Newbie

Thanks for the help! it is just so frustrating to have this guy, who I'm not even related to, cause chaos in my life! It's hard to watch my Mom cry her eyes out and then in a few months take him back, just to repeat it all over again. The Mom that raised me was a strong parent, who meant what she said and followed through with things. Growing up, she stuck to her guns with no negotiation, but now she is the opposite, at least with her alcoholic husband.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

QUOTE My question is this: I can't stand him nor can my husband or my kids. The thought of seeing him again, makes me physically sick. Is it okay to tell her that if she chooses to get back again, that is her choice but my family is choosing to not have a relationship with him until he has proven to be sober for at least a year?

It is apparent that these two have a very dysfunctional but predictable relationship and it will probably not change unless he truly gives his life to God and continues AA. As a Christian, I know I should forgive but I'm so angry at him and to be truthful I'm angry at my Mom that she didn't heed the red flags she saw in him before they married. I love my Mom and she deserves better but at 71 she doesn't want to be alone. Any advice?

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Ok...are you going to boycott visits in hopes of him changing???? it will fail if you do....you will NOT change him or your mom....However if you really really don't want to be around him (understandable) and you are doing this for you, then go for it.......When i tell someone something like this.....i FIRST make sure I am serious...SECOND, is this a boundary (internal) for me or is it to try and change someone??? (won't work) and THIRD, am i willing to stand up to this boundary once i lay it on the table.....after i search my motives, then i go from there

as to "giving his life over to "god" ...some folks are not christian and maybe their higher power is the program (if they are in it) or it may be Buddha , or it may be something else....I do not tell another how to or what to turn his life over b/c it is not my business or right....you have your higher power....whatever higher power he has he is entitled to worship or not worship his way.....however surrendering/ giving his life over to the program of AA would be a very good idea, then let him figure out his own step 2 (came to believe in a higher power greater than myself)

being angry at your mom, him is wasted energy..understandable, but its a waste to be angry at another for harming themselves or making a bad choice...your mom's life is her own...whether you agree with it or not, she has a right to her own path, her own lessons, her own repercussions....you only have the right to detach...hand it over to your God and thats it...

i strongly recommend you get into alanon and the meetings, 12 steps work and also a sponsor to guide you and also read up on the literature.....

this man is an ADDICT....it is a physical and psychological illness he is in.....yes, picking up that drink is a choice...he could choose it or sobriety through AA, but it is an addiction...your mom is married to an addict....its up to her whether or not she wants to put up w/it....I, personally, do not support staying w/active addicts of any kind.....but thats me....some addicts be it booze or drugs CAN an DO find satisfying and sober lives through their program and they CAN be a nice mate....IF they stay in program and NEVER take their drug of what has them hooked.....alcoholism is only kept in remission...there is never a cure....

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree you have to do it for you and only for you. What your mom does is her business. What her spouse does is his business. That doesn't mean you have to be any part of it. You have every right to protect your family. You don't need to have a guilty feeling over what your mom decides. When you tell her, say what you mean but don't say it mean. Be honest. Tell her that you hate to see her crying her eyes out every few months only to have it repeat again and again. And tell her she is invited to your house any time and all times, but not to bring the spouse with her. Say it nicely. You love and respect her.

And maybe get her out of the house so that she isn't alone. Encourage AlAnon for her so she can meet some new friends. Help her find places to have fun with the hobbies she always loved but dropped because he became a handful. Truthfully, if he is drinking, she is alone anyway.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im not sure how i would handle this. At their age, I think I would leave them to it, could you keep an eye on your Mum but maybe stay away from him? Its hard to work a program of your own never mind trying to get someone else to work it too. I know I have bought nearly everyone in my life a 'One Day at a Time' book, and I hand out 'Just for Today' cards to all my friends and family. Never mind my anonymity!! which I do value to be honest. These things can be bought from the website. Good luck.x

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if steering clear of him would be a wise decision, and very much less stressful. The fact that your mother disappointingly takes him back doesn't mean anyone else has to take him back.

Al-Anon suggests that it's best to let the addict/alcoholic experience the consequences of his actions. So, for instance, if the A misses work, we don't call and make excuses for him, or make excuses if his boss calls, or otherwise try to save him from the consequences of his actions. Or if he passes out on the living room floor, we don't haul him up and clean him off and put him in bed -- we let him experience the shame and discomfort that result from his choices.

When we can't let go of something that's harming us, we're in the role of addicts too. Their addiction triggers our own addiction. So they can't let go of alcohol and we can't let go of them. Your mother is in this dilemma. (Of course she can let go -- with the help of Al-Anon and recovery tools, etc. -- but she is having a hard time of it just as alcoholics do.)

So if you go over and help clean up whatever messes he's caused -- when you say "Both incidents he passed out drunk and I had to go to her house and help her" -- that's also keeping her from experiencing the full consequences of her own choices.

So that's something to think about. If you might be feeling distress at the idea of leaving your mother to deal with her consequences alone -- that's the same discomfort she's feeling at letting him deal with his choices.

Hang in there. I hope you'll keep coming back here.

kerthinks · Newbie

I found the discussions in this post extremely helpful! I'm the original poster's sister. I live in another state away from our mother's situation. I feel for my mom and my sister. In regards to my mom's husband, our relationship has always been friendly and enjoyable; when they visit us it is always for a celebration (graduation, birthday, confirmation). He is a good-time; he becomes everyone's best friend immediately. My mom has had a great life with him during the good times; however, like my sister explained he can't be counted on when she truly needs him. I guess he doesn't follow through on his wedding vows when it comes down to "for better or worse". He is not there for my mom in "the worse" of times; instead the bottle is there for him, and my sister is there for her.

I've kept track of the times that my mom has separated from him due to his drinking...this is the 4th time that they have separated in 14 years. Throughout these times my sister and I have continued to support our mom; I support her emotionally from a distance. I invite her to stay with me; I call often to check in; I listen. I also listen to my sister who drops everything to be there for my mom. In the meantime, his kids who also live in different states have no idea of the hardships that his father has put on our mother or on our mother-daughter relationships. It just makes me angry that I'm even having to spend time on this situation when this man is not even my father! I didn't ask for this, but why is it hurting me so???

Even from hundreds of miles away I sense that my mom is going to go back to this man. Yesterday she told me she is learning about "forgiveness" from her new church. I know what is coming...she is going to "forgive" this man and go back to him. She will tell us that she had laid down ground rules (i.e. he is responsible for going to AA, go to church, yada-yada-yada). He will follow through on these expectations, but eventually he will tell us in his confident way, "I'm drinking again; I can manage one or two drinks an evening. Your mother is supporting me on this decision."

My sister came to this site to learn how to handle the situation when she takes him back. I came too. Thank you for making me see the light. I've learned that:

1. My mom is an addict too; she's addicted to the dysfunctional relationship with her husband, consequently, she needs to seek help from Al Anon; her one or two visits to a counselor is not going to "cure" her addiction to him. I need to treat her like an addict, and realize there is no "cure" in helping her break her addiction to him, no matter what I say or do.

2. I need to set boundaries with my involvement with my mother even though I live hundreds of miles away. I didn't cause this, I didn't choose this and I can't cure it. My boundaries will be either to (a) choose to have a superficial relationship with my mom or (b) detach completely until he is out of her life. As long as he is in her life, I believe my family will be impacted by his disease. Consequently, I don't think at this time I can even have a "superficial" relationship with my mom. It is stressed and I have to work too hard at "not" asking about the "elephant in the room".

Thank you to all for helping me see the light on my mother and her own "addiction" with an alcoholic.

Thank you to all for your insights!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.