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So after years of living with his addiction, it was a year ago that I filed for divorce. It turned out that was his rock bottom because he finally got clean and sober so he wouldn't lose his family. We separated for about 6 or seven months and he was homeless when he wasn't in rehab. Anyway, I ended up taking him back and told him that in order for our family to live happily he would have to be clean and sober, non-confrontational, and employed. I also told him that I would not pay any of his debts because in the process of the divorce, I had to file for bankruptcy. I took care of my finances so I could keep the house and not disrupt the kids' lives too much.
Anyway, he has been home with us for five months and he still has no job. For a long time, I said nothing and have been very supportive, but still haven't paid any of his debts. I give him gas money and pay all the bills and buy everything the family needs.
I finally broke down last night and today and told him that I cannot do it alone any more. Some very expensive financial obligations have arrived in our lives with the kids and house and I need a partner in this. He keeps telling me he is applying for jobs, but they all seem to be online applications and I never see him actually physically pursue a job.
He told me he is uncomfortable in public, and I am trying to be supportive of his recovery, but at some point he needs to man-up!
Then, I start to feel guilty because I know if he doesn't pay his car payment, it will be repossessed. I know he has other bill collectors, but I am living paycheck to paycheck and cannot afford to help him. As his wife, I feel it's my responsibility, but after all he has done to us, I fee it's his responsibility.
Any ESH would be appreciated. I feel like I am slipping back into my old thoughts when he was an active addict.
Sounds to me as if you're doing all you can do under the circumstances? You are responsible for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors in caring for yourself and your children in this circumstance. Your AH is an adult responsible for his bills and for his continued program work if he's in a program? If we step forward and do for them what they can or need to do for themselves, we are trying to do the work of two people. That doesn't work. If he wants the car, then he has to find a way to pay for it. If he doesn't find a job or can't pay for the car then he can't afford it. It's okay for an adult to live without a car if they can't afford the payments, the gas, the insurance or the upkeep. Sending you lots of encouragement to continue your program work in Al-Anon if you are a member? If not, it would be helpful to you to try some face to face meetings in your area? Please keep coming back here, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 27th of January 2014 04:51:10 PM
Hi Imom, Im sorry you are feeling upset and trying to cope with this. It sounds like you have too much on your plate, trying to juggle the whole family and keep it all together. I know that feeling well. I agree that him feeling uncomfortable in public is not on and its his confession that he is not looking for work.
I love the slogan 'First thing first' that means your children and you. Your responsibility is to them not a grown man, even your husband and a husband who is failing in his duties as a Father and provider. Sorry that sounds blunt but it is what it is. You are both parents and both adults and it sounds like the fact that you are the one providing for the family is you taking on his share. Why would you pay for his car? wont that be taking money away from the children? putting even more pressure on yourself? this responsibility belongs to him as do the consequences.
Being a wife can mean doing the right thing as a wife and allowing your husband to have his own consequences and own his choices, no job = no car in most peoples lives, it makes sense so what is it in you that makes you feel the need to step in?
You are a strong woman, look at all you have done for your family, you know how to do this because you have done it before, filing for divorce, bankruptcy, keeping the house. You are tough. Maybe your having a slip and have lost a bit of confidence, I go through this a lot too. For me it stems from not doing the right thing and not doing what I know I need to do fo my own life. Take care.x
Don't you feel guilty!! You two made a very reasonable agreement and you have followed through and he is slipping on his end. The best thing you can do for him and for you is to hold firm. A job would do wonders for him. Hard to stick to a boundary I know but let our support buck you up. Proud of you both for doing the right things to try and keep your family together and healthy.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
If he is uncomfortable in public and that is holding him back, that would be something for him to take up with his sponsor or in his AA meetings. You can't be in those roles to him. He can't live the rest of his life avoiding going out in public. So that's something he'll have to work through as he continues his recovery.
It does sound as if you already have enough on your plate. In case you think you're not helping him out enough, remember that you're giving him a home, gas money, I assume food and all that, plus taking care of the kids for both of you. Even when people are unemployed, the state still requires them to play child support. (After all, the children of unemployed people still need to eat.) In one case I knew about, the unemployed person was ordered to pay $200 per month. As long as he's with you, you're saving him that $200 per month. So you are doing a lot.
The pain of his car being under threat of repossession may be the thing that he needs to tackle his social phobia or whatever's holding him back from trying harder to get a job. Or maybe he is trying. But it seems to me that he can help out by showing you that he's trying. If I were in that situation, I'd be doing anything. Selling stuff on eBay. Shovelling snow. Helping old people carry stuff. Whatever would bring in some money.
He may not have a ton of energy, because I know recovery is disorienting and exhausting. But sometimes you have to put one foot in front of the other anyway.
When I was in a similar situation, the thing I didn't do was to figure out my bottom line. Maybe considering what yours might be would be helpful for you. I don't mean on here, just privately. Like how long could you go with no financial help from him? Two more months? Seven more months? Would it make a difference if you were sure he was looking for work? And so on. When I finally did figure out my bottom line, it helped me be at peace more.
He keeps telling me he is applying for jobs, but they all seem to be online applications and I never see him actually physically pursue a job.
Either he is getting a job or he isn't. You have set the boundary. It doesn't matter if he is doing online or not, if he is going out to find one or not, etc. Bottom line is he doesn't have a job, or some other means of support and that was the boundary, right?
You set that boundary up front, and he agreed to it, so there is no reason for guilt IMHO.
I was thinking the same thing about AA and sponsor. You have done a great job staying in your side of the street. Please don't be feeling guilty over a reasonable boundary. There is always with available it's not fun work it is work none the less. It's always better for me to work than not. Hugs ...
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
