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Yesterday I had an urge to go to the open AA meeting I do attend and really enjoy. It's at 7am, so being there is a choice especially when the weather is the way it has been in the recent weeks there is nothing like 32 degrees feeling like a heat wave!! LOL .. it won't last and that's ok .. still .. it was something. I went and literally stopped for a cup of coffee on my way in .. it was a day for chocolate coffee. As I slid through the parking lot I got a good reminder over how powerless I am and boy I still don't like it! LOL .. crazy car did some interesting things and I started the whole thing by coming into the turn to fast .. thankfully all went well. I'm asking myself .. why am I going to this dang meeting knowing how cold and crazy the roads are at the moment? I still pressed forward .. that was a good thing.
I had the opportunity to go 2nd in the sharing we read out of the Living Sober book and it was a chapter about the First Drink .. it was such a great read and it applies to my life in other ways outside of alcoholism. I hadn't planned on sharing really so I passed the other direction .. we had a laugh because I'm never short on words. At the 3rd share I lost my breath, .. someone I consider a long timer and I have learned so much from came clean about slipping from his sobriety .. he talked about how he struggled to decide was it a slip or not and how he felt and needed to deal with it. Truly rigorous honesty .. I am so very grateful for this particular share because a good friend of mine slipped in Dec and has not owned it. That is their business not mine .. I did decide to limit my contact to nothing .. not because I'm better than or whatever .. because I have enough to deal with and the keen alcoholic mind has taken over and I choose not to engage the keen alcoholic mind .. that is my business. After listening to this share I realized it was the right thing for me to do .. I am not an active member of AA, I did the right thing by contacting another RA during this insanity. The A made the decision to then make it all my fault that they slipped .. that again .. their business .. it is the disease. Listening to this man talk .. just really reminded me that the first drink is always a choice after that it becomes a compulsion .. I was grateful I could feel compassion because there is a part of me that shuts down during these kinds of crisis situations. I was more grateful to listen to the struggle he went through in terms of was it a slip .. how did he want to own it and did he have a new sobriety date ..and he was disappointed himself and you could totally see it .. he's an interesting guy to begin with .. I admire him a great deal.
I do not feel compassion for my stbax .. I don't feel bad about it anymore though .. I used to think there was something wrong with me that I didn't feel the compassion and I'm not saying that I won't feel compassion for him at some point .. today I do not. I can pray about it. I can pray for him .. that is a step in the right direction .. at least I no longer pray that a mac truck finds him and runs him over and backs up more than once. I feel pity .. that is not the same thing .. again .. at least it's something more than anger. I do feel indifferent. He's such a stranger now .. he's someone I would avoid if I saw him on the street .. his vibe is all messed up. My street sense kicks in when I get around him.
We had a big discussion on another board about A's and suicide. He has not blatantly indicated to me that he would hurt himself .. he has manipulated the situation and I think pulled something with someone at his job. That got him 3 days on the psych ward. What I feel about what he did to the kids during that last visitation is beyond NOT ok .. yes he has a disease it doesn't give him the right to put that crap on the kids. Bawling, begging, massive alcoholic breakdown, .. if I thought that talking to him would have done something positive outside of enabling then I would have acted .. at this point these points and times what is really being said is Ok .. I know I'm in a lot of trouble, what kind of damage control can I do so it isn't worse? Why would I think that .. well .. because pretty much a year ago .. he told me that's what he does and how he operates .. so yes .. I'm probably a little jaded.
I did call the police and they did a well check on him .. he chose not to answer the door. I'm sure considering he probably thought they were there to arrest him AND he was drunk. Any times the kids have indicated they had fear for their dad I have called the police. If he ultimately wound up taking his life .. no .. I wouldn't feel guilty about it .. we all have choices and I'm sorry that he's so sick this is his only way out. I don't know how I would feel really .. now .. if I found out someone in the AA program I attend hurt themselves I would be devastated .. so weird to have so much emotion for others and not for the father of my kids.
I don't know .. it has been a weird weekend and I guess I'm just exactly where I'm suppose to be .. I know I was suppose to be at that AA meeting just to hear that one share. It just got me thinking about a lot of what I am and what I'm not responsible for .. I'm just not responsible for someone else making that drastic of a choice. It's a sad choice .. it's theirs.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
We are always exactly where we're supposed to be! I understand what you shared about compassion. I sometimes have a hard time seeing my husband as a child of God and seeing them as God sees them. I want to throw a tantrum and scream, "No, I don't want to see them that way!!!"
FYI: I also see that just as much as the alcoholic 'slips' so do we Al Anoners, as well. It' part of the -isms that we share. Whenever I hear about slips, I remind myself about how I slip, too, and those thoughts bring me back to program, back to a meeting, and back to putting the focus on my HP and my life.
Hugs, girl, you're working a good strong program! Evidenced by your slippery slide into the early AA meeting!
Taking a break from work and came to read...interesting post Serenity and the tag by ilovedogs hit right on top of my solution buzzer. Yesterday we had 1/4 of the family over for lunch and snacks and the coversation turned (I turned it) toward another 1/4 who has relapsed and I was very grateful because it kept centering me and my wife within our Al-Anon programs...she and I are not Al-Anon siamese twins...we have differences and the differences support...just like the rooms do. The conversation was mutual at times and then different at times as perspectives and beliefs and experiences shifted and changed and with listening with an open mind I also realized that I am exactly where I am supposed to be because of the program. I am in the middle of one day with my Higher Power holding the lantern in front of my path which doesn't swerve into or over anyone elses path and I have a simple set of instructions to follow...Trust God; clean my own house and then help others to help themselves. After the family left and when I was about to go to sleep I felt the sadness for me which has been caused by this disease and the family's relationship to it. I started to wish that this would be different and then better and then gave up wishing in favor of hoping the difference being recovery experience. Both quarters are my sons; the eldest who is relapsing and reflecting the old me also and the youngest who reflects a way of living for the recovering me. I am where I am supposed to be and not alone with it. Great post. ((((hugs))))
I can relate to that feeling of indifference towards your ex. I feel that way too. I dont have compassion really, not yet. The anger has faded but can come back quick as a flash. My kids are all over the age of 16 now so contact can be really minimal so its easier for me than you right now but I do relate to your feelings. I had to deal with him when my son was in hospital and hes not changed a bit, he is in AA and he is helping others but to me his attitude is still that horrible self centred way. I can hardly bare to spend time with him. I have stopped trying to force compassion and forgiveness I kind of think that it will come when Im ready to feel it not on demand. Maybe it will come when I feel ready to feel he deserves it, probably sounds arrogant.
As for suicide, I have thought about that with my ex, especially when he was really bad with drinking and everyone left him to it, the kids wouldnt go near him. I think suicide can be a last ditch attempt at manipulation but then again it can be the way out for the alcoholic too. Either way, there is little anyone can do if someone makes up their mind. Im not sure its a common occurrence with alcoholics though, my ex had a huge ego and some characteristics that means suicide would not have made sense really.
Its good you are open minded and going to open AA meetings, I have only heard a few speakers from AA and I certainly do feel compassion for parts of their story. Not all, just yet anyway. I know it will come. You are a kind soul Serenity, its so obvious in your shares, be kind to you for a wee while, leave him to whatever he will do. Go soothe your soul, take that camera and get some serenity.x
I think what I have been most struggling with is just knowing that I'm ok. I'm ok with my thoughts and feelings. I'm ok wIth not feeling compassion. I'm ok. The long run he may not be ok .. ever .. I'm ok with that too. I still get to choose how I react to the situation. It's an unsettling feeling .. after so many years of not feeling ok. Hugs ..
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
That is the beauty of this program, Serenity. We don't have to think or feel anything other than what we think or feel at the time. Accepting ourselves as we are - beautiful. You are doing so well and I salute your progress and your willingness to be honest with yourself and sharing that honesty with others. High five, sister!
The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. p24
My powerlessness over alcohol does not cease when I quit drinking. In sobriety I still have no choice-I cant drink. The choice I do have is to pick up and use the "the kit of spiritual tools" (AA pg25) When I do that, God relieves me of my lack of choice-and keeps me sober one more day.
If I could choose not to pick up a drink today, where then would my need for AA or God be?
Where I am coming from the only choice is not to drink .. everyday it is a choice to turn it over to hp, work s program of AA (or Alanon), once the first drink happens then the alcoholic mind completely is running the show. Life is full of choices and consequences .. every single day. AA and Alanon are pretty much based upon learning to think differently because i know (now at least) my thinking is broken. I didn't know I had choices to do things differently, I didn't know I had a hp, I didn't have healthy life coping skills to deal with life's everyday difficulties, I didn't know how to love myself. I didn't know how to deal socially with others and i still don't get it right everytime. If I didn't try to do things differently .. nothing changes nothing changes .. if I go back to the old ways .. guess what .. I get the same results. Someone has to choose recovery .. for themselves .. so yes the first drink and the last becauses the ultimate choice to live or die. In the middle of it is someone thinking rationally oh gee I have a choice .. that's not what I'm saying .. keen addicts minds don't think like that ..that's also where the saying there is nothing worse than a belly full of beer and a head full of AA to ruin drinking for an alcoholic. That A knows they could do something different because they have .. the only answer is not to take it and work a program of recovery. My thinking disease can put me into an early grave without even having to take a drink or a drug. I'm grateful that I do have choices to work everyday on changing my thinking. I can't do it without the choice of working my program turning it over to the God of my understanding and just knowing I have to do different. Hugs ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
