Happy days being ruined by fear husband may drink again.. HELP - Al-Anon Family Group

mrspengiun74 · Newbie

Happy days being ruined by fear husband may drink again.. HELP

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome mrspengiun74 to MIP

First if you husband is truly in recovery, whatever you say should not make any difference in his recovery. I don't think you have the power to make him drink. Next you need recovery and Al-anon is where it's at. You know you deserve to be happy and you can have it when you change. Start small with the serenity prayer and find a HP that you can talk to and give you some peace and calm you fears. Like many of us if you work a program you can overcome your fears

Keep coming back because you are not alone here and help is at your finger tips

((( hugs )))

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You deserved to be happy and it is an inside job...its there already and maybe...just maybe projecting doom and gloom is blocking it...getting in the way of seeing it and feeling it. If you are not already attending face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings which are for the family, spouses, friends and associates of alcoholics; drinking or not; go find the hotline number in the white pages of the local telephone book and call for the nearest and soonest meeting you can get to and come sit with us there. You're going thru what this disease causes almost everyone it teaches. Get literature from the meeting...check it all out and talk to others and keep coming back here also. It ain't fun where you are at now...been there and done that and don't do it anymore. Just for Today stay in Today and Let it all go and let God have it. (((((Hugs))))) smile

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Like Cathy said, you can't ruin it, because you didn't cause it, can't control it, and won't be able to cure it. But, the more you worry about it the higher the stress level in general in your house and especially ON YOU. My AW came back from rehab a month ago, and I just had to let go if she was drinking again, and it helped me a lot. And my AW. And our 13 YO son.

I now talk very little to her about her recovery unless she brings it up. I can't help her with it much, other than to take care of myself. The less I worry about whether she is going to drink, again, the less stress in the house, and the more relaxed I can be. If she DOES drink, we have a plan of action that we agreed to already. But otherwise I don't concern myself with it. And at the times I think she has drank, stop and think about it and make a proactive plan which usually doesn't involve her, instead of reacting to the instantaneous pit that develops in my stomach.

I urge you to go Al Anon meetings, you will find out that the worry is a very normal human reaction to this crazy disease of alcoholism. An you will find lots of other people that have been throughout it and can not only empathize, but help YOU recover. That's what I did, and it has been amazing how well it has worked for me!

Peace
Kenny

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember feeling exactly the way you do right now , one day a friend called and I was sharring my fears with her she reminded me to* not miss the good days * and I realized I had missed a lot of them worrying about things I had no control over anyway .. Meetings , meetings ,meetings were my solution and soon the fear disappeared . Having my own program kept me from getting into his stuff there was so much for me to fix about myself , when my focus is on me and not someone else I can enjoy what is .. for me a 15 min coffee break with a sober husb beat living with an active alcoholic anyday so I learned to accept what was offered and made it enough . DON'T MISS THE GOOD DAYS , enjoy you earned them . Louise

Beatrice · Senior Member

We have to be happy no matter if the A is drinking or not.

That is the goal of Alanon. Keep working the program and let it work for you.

Focus on yourself and concentrate on the positive and even if your Husband should relapse, think of that time as very useful in giving him a break from his disease.
Worrying serves no purpose.
Keep coming back
Bettina

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I only overcame this when I left him and got some self confidence. Thats my experience and I am not saying that is completely necessary. I was obsessed with his drinking and his sobriety, walking on eggshells through both because I hadnt got myself any recovery. I had not got help for me. We get sick living with alcoholism and we need to take the time to heal ourselves.x

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome so glad you found us,

I hope you have al anon meeting you can attend.

Alcoholism is an illness it affects the family as well as the drinker. My partner is sober and early sobriety is tough on all the family. It takes times for the fear to go. However talking about the effects of the drinking days and the fears of them returning is part of al anon recovery. People in al anon understand as few other can we too were lonely and frustrated and then we found people who understood. If your partner is in AA and actively working a programme he is getting help for himself al anon is where your support is.

Hope you get to a meeting and keep coming on here hugs tracy xxxxx

texas yankee · Senior Member

I think ya have to focus on the "I can't control it" part of the three Cs - besides, regardless of what you do or don't do, it's your partner's responsibility to work his program - perhaps one of the more experienced folks here can comment on whether you setting some boundaries are a good idea - and if so, what those night look like.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If we really detach from their disease, I find it just does not matter. They are an addict, addicts crave whatever drug they like all the time. They will use or not.

I don't gauge my relationship with anyone on what they drink or not.

I have to decide if I can accept them and love them as is. Also I have to decide if I can give them the respect they deserve whatever they do.

If I honestly cannot accept someone as is, then I won't be around them. We all need to be loved for who we are.

It's bad enough they are tortured by their disease, without worrying about how it affects us too.

Used to call it a precious day when my A did ok drunk or not. Really doesnot matter as even when they don't drink, their bodies are still affected by the damage from dehydration and not working correctly anymore.

They will never be cured, I say to people who say he is drinking again, So? he is an A, that is what they do!Either lovem as is or leavem alone! I have disabilities that are not pleasant. If someone is going to decide if I am ok or not by what my disease is doing that day, then forget it. I would rather be alone.

Like it says on my posts, love me in spite of me! hugs, debilyn

MaestraJ · Member

My mom has been sober for 9 years, and I still have dreams in which she relapses. It took me a very long time to trust her again, but I do. However, I am still dealing with the fallout of losing parental trust in my formative years. I am in a relationship with an addict (who refuses to admit it is anything beyond a 'habit') and I struggle day in and day out. I see a counselor, and we are working on my trust issues. Why even go through all this with a man I know has problems? Because, as Debilyn says, if you accept someone for who they are, then their addiction doesn't matter. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. He is a wonderful man who treats me well. He, as of today, is worth it.
I will take tomorrow as it comes.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Some disabilities and diseases don't come close to alcoholism in terms of the impact on a family. Unacceptable behaviour is still unacceptable. Alcoholism erodes love in relationships. Can take away everything. Addiction matters big time for me.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.