Can you work this recovery program without face to face meetings? - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Can you work this recovery program without face to face meetings?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a tough question for me. I haven't been to many alanon meetings but I've learned a lot here. I know from AA, the answer would be no pretty much. The saying to back that up would be "half measures availed us nothing." I'm not sure how this applies to alanon. I know that for AA, all the excuses I made for not going to meetings were shot down because all people had to say was "You had time to drink." Busted. Lol. Many of you guys are single moms holding down entire households. I can only imagine how hard it is to actually get to those meetings.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

LC

Great question! As you know, there are no hard and fast rules in Al-Anon-only suggestions and opinions.

In my opinion, the value of face-to-face meetings cannot be measured. The connections that occur while sharing with others face-to-face cannot be gained online. Most important of all is that I face-to-face meetings I finally was able to break the terrible isolation caused by living in and with the disease of alcoholism.

If face-to-face meetings are unavailable and too difficult to attend, online meetings and shares can serve your recovery. Keep practicing the program, using the tools, sharing and your growth will happen.

Remember take what you like and leave the rest.

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi el-cee Though I went face to face meetings for 3 months before I found this board, I have to say the board and the readings were the things that helped me most initially. At f2f meetings I listened, but mostly cried. I didn't understand what people were saying. Now, after more than a year, I love my f2f meetings and the fellowship and friendships I've found there. I do think all things combined make for a strong program, meeting in person, online, readings, working with a sponsor, connecting with other alanons. There is no "right" way, but f2f meetings add another layer to the process. One that I have found very helpful. I also find that service in my meetings is a very powerful program tool. Committing to put out the literature each week, or being the chairperson reminder each week forces me to stay in touch and to actually get off my butt and go to meetings. Paris

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

I need both .. for me as long as I hit one meeting .. read, talk to my sponsor, i listen to speakers as well .. both AA and Alanon. If I need an extra boost there is one open AA meeting I can get to weekly as well. I can come here and another board .. both help remind me what works and doesn't. I couldn't do just online without additional support .. well I could it takes a lot longer to heal. Just my opinion .. lol .. since you asked ;)

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I need both, as well. I have made fabulous friends at my Friday meeting and many of the attendees are younger than I am and I feel so refreshed by their youth, LOL. Seriously, we all went to a rock climbing gym yesterday and I had a blast. I try to make it to 2 meetings a week and I call my sponsor weekly. I guess you could work the program with just a sponsor and forgo the meetings, but I know that I, personally, couldn't do that. The saying in Al Anon, "It works if you work it" applies here: you can choose however you choose to work YOUR program, as long as it's working for you!

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

El cee:

I also need both these boards and face to face meetings, although at first face to face meetings were difficult for me also. I would show up, listen and cry. I've been consistently going to face to face meetings about a month and a half now and had been involved here and online meetings for about a year before tht. The face to face meetings are extremely helpful to me now, finding one that you feel comfortable in is huge. I happened to find a meeting which focuses on the courage to change reading for the day and thats a good fit for me.

YF

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Combining online and face to face recovery has worked well for me. This is my 14th year coming here. Doing service here by chairing meetings was helpful for me in learning to work principles above personalities. In my humble opinion, online recovery can be challenging but also very rewarding if you work it.

In earlier years here, I found this site to be an ideal excuse to isolate and not focus on my recovery and my life. I was having a hard time facing life on life's terms so I avoided making tough decisions. I came here and rationalized that I was working recovery by helping the newcomer. Meanwhile, the suggestions I offered, I wasn't taking for myself. I finally bought a timer, set it and left when the timer went off.

I was going to face to face meetings at this time too and lots of them but I took awhile to find a sponsor. I didn't trust myself to choose well. I think the meeting after the meeting as we sometimes call fellowship; when my group went out for coffee was really beneficial for me personally. I seemed to open up more there than in the big group setting. It also taught me how to socialize in person, receive a compliment without minimizing it or blushing - to receive and give unconditional love, acceptance, tolerance, make eye contact again and learn to trust myself and others and ultimately... find my in person sponsor :)

I have had a temporary sponsor online at times and sponsored and am very grateful for the mutual exchange. In person sponsorship is still my first preference. It feels so much more intimate particulary when the 4th and 5th steps are being worked. I also like the in person availability to go to someone in person if they call and vice versa.

I see my recovery as an ongoing journey to live fully. That includes working the steps in day to day life situations, respecting others right to make the choices that best serve them, more and more comfort in my own skin and embracing change by working the spiritual part of this program and trying to live it a day at a time. That's pretty much it in a nutshell for me.

I'm grateful for online recovery because although this site is not WSO approved Alanon, Alanon is still spoken here. I've learned a lot about myself from the candid very open shares here. It's allowed a chance to read how people are working Alanon all over the world which is very exciting. I've also had the chance to make more friends and to meet people from around the world f2f who come here and attend meetings elsewhere.

I've formed in person friendships as well with people in my face to face meetings. I have a sense of belonging by being a part of a home group. We visit one another when hospitalized, celebrate Alanon anniversaries, birthdays, help one another move, volunteer as a squad to chair in person beginners meetings and host an alanon room at Alanon/AA conferences and fellowship weekend gatherings. Coming here to MIP and becoming a part of this Alanon family led me to the rooms where I have an in person Alanon family daily who is there for me and I'm there for them. I'm very grateful for both my online and face to face experiences. Thanks for your question. You'll discover what works best for you and your life. I'm glad you're a part of MIP with me. TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Sister...for me...I need it all. I was born and raised in the disease of addiction. It is the most natural life and behavioral form I know and I need "opposites" to it or I revert back or as some people call..."relapse". Reverting back for me is painful cause I end back up in never- never land lost while I know there are solutions in all of the tools of Al-Anon including and especially at times the meeting rooms where I can watch and listen and ask questions for clarification real-time. I was told along time ago that our form of treatment is "social model therapy" a sick person helping a sick person and I found that was true for me. It took me two trips to get here and the second time I was done. I didn't know about alcoholism and I didn't even know that I didn't know...dumb as a stick is the idea I arrived at and so I let the rooms and the women in the rooms re-raise me. I was told to do 90X90...90 meetings in a row in 90 days and I did. I was told to get away from all things alcohol and I did. I was told at times I had to leave because of my insane reactions and after that I was told to "keep coming back". I got all the literature and still have it. With all of the tools I have MIP also which as a hearing impaired man I must have. I can still read and empathize at the same time. Been there...done that.

I know what happens to me from my own choices when I do "half measures" like Pink mentioned. For me I do it all or I confuse my recovery with what it is that I don't know...Alcoholism is normal to me still. I learned that alcoholism/addiction is a "life time disease". It ruled the first 37 years of my life. It still attempts to do so. The only defense I have against it really for me, are the rooms...the giving and taking of experience, strengths and hopes. That is the only thing that has worked for me and I haven't talked or thought "frontal labotomy" as a solution for a long time...lol. The meetings give me comparisons I learn new and different ways of working the program...I also do from MIP and the literature and so with humility for me...I cannont work the recovery program without f2f family. ((((hugs)))) smile

Raven Juniper · Senior Member

This is definitely great ESH! I would imagine that f2f meetings are the cake, while MIP is the icing :) Just my two cents, lol... for lack of an accessible meeting in my area, I've taken to the tub of icing with a big spoon.
I'm sure that my recovery would be so amplified by f2f meetings and a sponsor, but without MIP I most likely would be...ugh, I don't want to imagine that place, it's dark and scary. The wonderful people (like you:) and the ESH have saved my life.
(((Hugs)))

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I need the whole works too. I get something from it all really. I think that this resource is so important for people who live far from meetings and at least they can learn the philosophy from here. For me though the face to face meetings make me more accountable if that makes sense. I mean if I am 'relapsing' then I may hide from the forum for a bit but I usually have some job or other to do at my meetings, like making the tea, that I must attend and often these women can see right through me if I try to hide anything of myself.

I feel like I am addressing some of my childhood at the meetings, most of the members are older and I feel like they are like my adopted Mothers, who challenge me when I need it and comfort me when I need it. I also get to practice socialising with people, I tend to isolate myself when things are going wrong. I get all of that here too really, I just don't get to hide at f2f meetings.

Beatrice · Senior Member

I would not still be here today if not for face to face meetings, Especially in the very beginning.

It is the roots of the program , I do not go to many face to face meetings now. Been in the program for many years. But I still attend time to time
when I need a brush up.

Also , sponsors are very important to guide you and keep you on the path. All is important !!!!!

Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

F2F meetings in the beginning were very critical to my working the program. It would have been impossible for me to really understand the program without the meetings or the fellowship. The literature was a big help and yet -hearing other members understanding of the steps and slogans and their e/s/h helped the literature make more sense to me. When my son started his downward slide, I couldn't have made it without the membership or the meetings since no one else in my family or in my circle of friends or co-workers attended Al-Anon or even understood its principles or objectives. MIP has played a fairly critical role for me this past year. My f2f meeting attendance hasn't been as regular as in the past and my upcoming retirement will allow me the space and time again to be a lot more regular at the meetings. I have a sponsor and friends in the fellowship now to go to for daily support and some of my co-workers and friends have started Al-Anon programs themselves so that has extended my fellowship this past year. Although I agree MIP is more of a supplement or addition to the meetings, for me - it has helped me stay true to the program while doing what I need to do on a temporary basis in my personal life. On-line meetings, the message board, sponsorship, daily program work, f2f meetings(that I will be able to upgrade in a few months again to regular weekly meetings a few times a week), and multiple years of program work in the meetings have all helped me continue to work the program and grow. I can't think of one thing I've done that didn't benefit me in this program in some way.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One very important aspect of recovery and face to face meetings was given to me by my sponsor..."You cannot keep what you have received unless you give it away".

I would not be able to hold on to my program is what he was saying along with, "If you want to know if the program works...give it away to someone else and watch them work it". I did that and I got that in return because at times I would give away something I still had doubt about and watched the person who received it work it and get miraculous changes which I wanted for myself. In face to face meetings less is left up to my imagination...I get to see the program work in real time which is important for me. I get to see the different body languages and listen, look and learn what was done to have that happen. The old me was a "I won't believe this until I see it" type of guy and face to face meetings use that evidence on me. I just love to watch the "changes" walk in the door of my home group as I get to know that they did something different and got something better. I also get to see what doesn't work and that is solution for me also. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it depends on the person, how much they work their program! How badly they want to get down to the truth and research.

I am super independant, even in college I develped my own curriculum to satisfy class requirements, all on my own for credit.

Went to a few meetings here, found it very difficult as the kids they brought were distracting and I felt should not be there where there was much personal talk. Plus I could not open up with them there. They are sponges! lol

Also being disabled in how I am, it got impossible. BUT I wish I could go now that I am comfy with the whole thing.

I feel my program is very strong. I like how I still have questions, still learn more every single day. I like how I see life as something to make into my own personal thing with lotsa options.

Also like feeling so comfy around A's now. I see them so differently. Them losing their temper to me is like watching a two year old. I feel compassion.

So in saying this, it is all up to the person to make their program be personal to work for them. great share!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't go to meetings; my work schedule - 2 hours on, 1 hour off, 2 hours on etc. from 6 am to 8:30 pm prohibits me from spending the hour's traveling (30 mins ea way) and the hour meeting at either of the set times the two meetings are held. In thinking about this question and recovery in general - I understand that I've been "recovering" from things for a long time. Growing up in a dysfunctional home, as we all seem to be from, I had a lot of issues by the time I reached adulthood. Ranging from mild issues, like not liking water on my face because of all the "fun" my siblings had dunking me all the time while I choked, to major issues, like having my father hold me down to stuff meat down my throat because I just kept chewing it and not swallowing. I read a lot of recovery-type books working on resolving the issues, took the time to retrain my face to love the shower, named my demons, and read a lot of different self-help books, books about anger, co-dependency, birth-order, family secrets, memory - how to improve it and what it might mean if you have few or none. I read opinions I disagreed with, read books that felt like they were written about me, talked with trusted people about things in the past, slowly putting it behind me. My experience with my A took me down a different road of self-help exercises and showed me things I didn't know, giving me new things to work on. I DO experience some good one on one meetings when the opportunity arises in the oddest places; and I would try face to face meetings if there weren't so many obstacles.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee: I find it almost impossible to recover w/o some face to face meetings. I have been attending meetings for a very long time. I know that this forum helps me but I need to see real people face to face at least once a week. I mean all of you are real out there but I personally need to see someone who wants what I have & the reverse. I am sure that there are people out there who can't get to meetings & I understand that but I also get the fact that our program suggestions are necessary for growth. One in particular: go to meetings! Other suggestions are there, too. I just know for me I have to follow the suggestions of the program.

Kathleen

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:

If face-to-face meetings are unavailable and too difficult to attend, online meetings and shares can serve your recovery. Keep practicing the program, using the tools, sharing and your growth will happen.
Remember take what you like and leave the rest.

I either got into bad facetoface meets or they were not existent...i really need the aca F2F meets as alanon ones, all i heard was story after story, about how to "cope with abuse" from active A's...that was not my objective....I dumped all my abusers...sober or drinking and i plan to keep my life that way

as to the meets??? i am prospering just fine going to on line meets and chatting on phone w/different recovery mates and my sponsor, i think teh voice on the phone is just as adequate for me, anyway....different strokes for different folks...i just do what i gotta do and i think as long as I am brutally honest w/me, my HP and my safe others, i am gonna be ok....also add to that humility, openess, and willingness.....I call it my HHOW..........honest..humble..open..willing....for starters.....it works for me....any interaction w/others, be it here on the boards...along w/online meets worked for me, till i found folks i could talk on phone with....alanon/12 steps et al have suggestions and for good reason, you want the most you can get, but for me??? there are NO aca meets even remotely close to me, or coda meets...either one, I would LOVE to have one to attend...even tried to start a few, but nothing worked...so i do what i can.....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its good to read how others work their program, we can all learn from each other. Its good for newcomers to see how some of the wise old timers here work it. Its the same philosophy as AA, watch those that work it and do that.x

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

For me F2F meetings, counseling, this site and reading. I too cried for about 10 meetings when I first started going to F2F meetings. I think we probably all do. It was such a relief to find a group of people who understood what I was going through. Open AA meetings are good too.

mercedes1959 · Senior Member

I started alanon before the internet. Face to face meetings are the best way to work the program in my opinion.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree Mercedes because I need to study this philosophy and watch others live it. I need the visuals, the happy faces full of serenity of these old timers. The service work that helps you get deeper, the slogans on the wall every week, the experiences of different people, just listening and always getting something from. I also learn better when I am accountable, when Im not working it, it shows in meetings and the people there tell me what I need to hear. I love this forum and there are many people who cant get to a meeting and Im glad they have the online meetings here.

Tricia911 · Senior Member

el-cee,

I think like building a scrapbook of our lives recovery is individual to each of us. What works for me may not work for another. I started with Face-to-Face meeting, found this gem of a website and came here when I could not attend a daily meeting. Now I do about half/half.

But For me the huge growth came when I got a sponsor and a counselor. I needed help with my steps and I needed a different perspective. That is when i saw my growth really increase. I saw my growth increase again when I started doing service work.

So I think we should each build a recovery that works for us. Just as my scrapbook would be different from anyone else, I suspect each person's recovery is too.

Hugs, Tricia

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.