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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Really?
Post Info TOPIC: Really?
Melly1248


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Really?
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Thus far, mother (who isn't feeling great) has been in a pretty awful mood, and it's my turn to be scapegoat. I had forgotten what it's like; it hasn't been my turn to be scapegoat for ages. No matter what i say or do, she sighs and huffs and acts as though my presence is the most trying experience of her life. The most obscure things are my fault. I forget sometimes that this is how I trained to be with ABF. Oh well. I'm staying cheerful, refusing to buy into a scenario where I try to justify myself and it all ends in a big argument where I feel awful and she tells me she wishes I hadn't come. Been there too many times before. I know I'm not doing anything wrong so no way am i going to end up feeling like the bad guy because I snap and tell her to stop picking on me. Smile and wave...

Strangely although I have a smile plastered across my face and endless cheerful comments, I keep being accused of "sulking". It's amazing how similar it is to being at home, really! Oh well. I have new tools to deal with this stuff now. Keep my side of the street clean and leave  others to their own. It is a bit deflating though.

Also, my 18 year old cousin is here. She's just gotten her lisense, and so it's endless taunts from mother and aunt- "it's sad that your cousin got her lisense before you did", "It's sad that your daughter won't have a mother who can teach her to drive" blah blah. An awful lot of jokes at my expense, none of them especially funny.

ABF obviously hasn't bothered to let the cat in or try to keep him in at night because my phone is being bombarded with calls and nasty messages from crazy cat lady- the cat has been out at night, she's going to take him to the shelter blah blah. Did I think ABF would actually look after him? :-/ ABF of course cannot be reached. 

My mothers dog hates my dog (he hates all dogs). Initially mum said bring him and her dog will have to deal with it..., it will be good for him....now it's all just a terrible nuisance and my dog is acting just like me...tail wagging, being quiet and friendly while their dog yaps at him like crazy, nips at his face and inexplicably keeps trying to mount him. Mother is very unhappy and clearly wishes we weren't here. Yay!

So, sorry for having a moan. This is all a bit of an endurance test, to be honest. Not quite the happy get-away I was hoping for. Oh and somehow I got my face sunburnt, like really really lobster-red. I am kinda fantasising about going home and hiding under my bed lol.

I'm sure there is a lesson in this; at very least it's a chance to practice my program tools, that's about the best thing I can say about it all....lol...

On the bright side, daughter had a nice birthday today and seemed pretty happy with it all. Liked her presents, enjoyed her lopsided cake and was a cheerful little monkey all day long. That made me happy. That part makes it worthwhile.

Please forgive me my whinging. Must shake it off, and find a way to enjoy tomorrow with daughter regardless of everyone else's mood.



-- Edited by Melly1248 on Saturday 25th of January 2014 09:10:38 AM

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Mari1978


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(((Melly)))
That's why we are here <3
I have a similar relationship with my Dad. I never learned my role from a stranger. How wonderful it is to have tools so that we can change our ways to live a happier healthier life and we may pass that on to our girls. We will need this program when they become teenagers. ;)
Sending you love and support always.

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hotrod


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Dear MellY,

Thank you for your inspiring update. Although conditions are not as you would have hoped, you are remembering to use your Al-Anon tools of placing principles above personalities and are practicing these principles in all your affairs. How great is that!

When you talk about your family and their interactions, it reminds me of mine and how easily I too forgot their usual interactions. With program and the acceptance of the reality of who they were and who I was, I no longer attempted to have them respond in a healthy fashion. As long as I knew how to take care of myself while around them I could still visit and share time.

You are doing well. Don't waste your time on negative energy and keep coming here and sharing if you need.

Betty

PS

I bet your cousin cannot trouble shoot and  repair  a car as you canbiggrin



-- 



-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 25th of January 2014 06:47:20 PM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
grateful2be


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Sometimes I notice that some of my family members aren't relating to me. They're relating to whom they think I might be. I've learned I'm powerless to change their thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I don't always like that reality, but if I apply JADE to their thoughts and reactions to their thoughts about me, I am more able to stay grounded in my purpose for being where I am as I am without letting the disease get the better of me. I might slip, but certainly nowhere near the way I use to slip when I was reacting to my own thoughts about them that may or may not have even been true. If that makes any sense? It's my thoughts that can make or break me. It appears you are choosing to look at the positives available to you in your experience today without denying there are some storm clouds around you. Good work, Melly.

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ClearTheFog


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I got a kick out of the comparison between you and your poor doggie, running around with his tail wagging while the other one just yaps in his face all the time.

I just read a funny quote: the battlecry of codependence is "I'll show you! I'll get me!", which describes my parents to a T. It's so hard to go back for a visit but very interesting to see things from a recovery perspective, to see how people are stuck and the manipulations they attempt. Hang in there, and I hope you find a peaceful place to be, soon.

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Debilyn


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You are amazing! First glad you came to vent, and also I sure could nor would never visit anyone who treated me like that!

I think I would look her in the eye and say,"Mom what do you like about me coming to visit?" I sure would want to know, i mean who wants to make a visitor in their home miserable?

Ok I want to pose a question, what is it about you, that you put yourself in a position to be verbally abused by A and mother?

I honor the person I am, by not allowing anyone to speak to me, or treat me rudely. I know I would not want my children to think that is ok either!

It sounds like home is not serene, an neither is moms place. Do you want to live in serenity? I do well if someone has me answer questions to myself, makes me think.

I know I love your shares, and I wonder what a nice, cute, funny person thinks about themselves to put themselves in these situations.

I mean I can only turn it around so much, as you said it is deflating. OH mum! You know I was going to bring her to you to teach her to drive! Oh mum you know I brought the dog as I know you love him so much....I guess I would have to be saying stuff for shock value...

to be honest, I don't care who it is, I will not be around them if they treat me or anyone else with disrespect.

ow sunburnt! I keep aloe around and also keep noxema in the freezer for that. Under your bed? Again so  what is it about you that allows your home, not feel like your home?

I believe people learn these dynamics in their family and think it is normal, that it is ok. I invite you to close your eyes and pretend your life is a sitcom and watch. Do the dynamics make you cringe and stomach hurt, or is it familiar and ok?

thank you for sharing, I want to tell you, I find you delightful and hope you know that. hugz,debilyn

 



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Melly1248


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Thank-you all for the love and support. That was so wonderful to wake up and read this morning; I had gone to bed feeling pretty fed up.
Mother gave me a dirty look and made an angry comment about the dog first thing. Then I sat outside with daughter and she was being negative so I quietly got her to do a gratitude list with me- I do this with her now when either of us is being negative or angry; I think it's an awesome trick to teach her early in life- anyway, my aunt asked what we were doing...and she chimed in with her gratitude list..mother came outside and sat down and she did one...next you know, we are going around the breakfast table making gratitude lists while breakfast cooked on the bbq...now everyone is laughing and in a good mood. Had to share that with you guys; I bet it makes you smile as much as it did me. Glad I packed my toolkit
Hugs all

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grateful2be


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Sure makes me smile, Melly! Good for you.

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hotrod


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Nice Melly  You are a true to gift to your family. 

Learning how to be with people regardless of their negative energy, without loosing myself  is the greatest gift that alanon gave to me

You are learning well. 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
maryanne


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So very glad today will be a better day for you.  It was a good idea to do a gratitude list.  Thanks for sharing.  HUGS. 



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1911A1


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Like a member of my home group likes to say...

Of course our family of origin knows how to push our buttons...they installed them!

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Jill


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Going around the breakfast table with gratitude, breakfast on the BBQ, staying rent-free (well theres rent, and then there's "rent") at a beach cottage. All good to hear!

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Melly1248


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It really was a better day.
lots of laughs. Went for a drive with Aunt, music cranked and wind in our hair, like the old days.
In the afternoon everyone went to the beach. I decided I didn't feel like it and instead went for a walk with my dog and bought myself a big hat to shelter my poor beetroot colored face from the sun. I don't know what they thought about me not going to the beach, and I don't want to know. I had a nice couple of hours alone and loved them.
Home tomorrow, to find out what has become of our cat. I hope he's OK. ABF says he hasn't seen him but has had the door open and food out, and he has gone around to cat lady's house a couple of times to see if she really took him to the shelter but she won't answer the door. That woman is a serious problem and a big source of stress for me; I need to find a way to deal with her. You can't abduct someone's cat or harrass them endlessly because it gets out at night occasionally. Grrr!
Hugs all and thanks for being here with me


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el-cee


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I really liked what Debilyn said about why we allow people to treat us badly. I have had to hear this. Its the part in the prayer ''Change the things we can' We are only victims when we allow it.

I mean, I can relate to all you have said in your thread Melly, I am like this too - people treat us badly - we let it pass- everythings great - repeat!!!! What is it about us that means we don't do the right thing for ourselves? Do we love ourselves enough or do we enjoy playing the victim on some level? There is value in letting things pass but I know for me that is not the thing to do, action is required at some point in our lives or we are destined to go round in circles putting up with the same old same old. Thanks for sharing, this was very helpful.x

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Raven Juniper


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((((<3)))) Love you!

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Breakingfree


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I loved this thread. Sending you love and support Melly!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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