The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just bought the book "Struggle for Intimacy." It's a great book for me right now as I am really working on having healthy relationships with guys I date.
I started thinking about all of my relationships in general. I have a fantastic group of girlfriends. Couldn't ask for better friends. Respect, trust, honesty, good boundaries, everything works. I have great friendships with guy friends too.
My relationships with co workers are fairly good. Can't really pick them like I can pick my friends. Overall things are good though.
Even things with my family are getting better.
So why can I make and maintain great relationships with everyone but men I date?
Anyone else feel this way? Maybe this is really simple, but it is a mystery to me.
This rings so true of my relationships as well. I used to think that I used to become more comfortable with the women I dated and become close with. Once I was that comfortable, I let my people pleaser guard down and would truly speak my mind, I wouldn't hold back like I do with other people.
As I'm growing in my program, I'm beginning to think there is more to it than that. Everyone that I end up with, seems to be dysfunctional and in my mind requiring rescuing or fixing at least in my mind. This gets unhealthy in many ways, I'm tying myself esteem into my progress in fixing them. My focus is clearly not on myself. We all know we can't control other and this fails miserably. As my rescuing and fixing fails, I become adamant that my way is the right way. Their self esteem continues to plummet because they aren't accomplishing anyting on their own either. I build resentments and act out accordingly.
I used to hear words like, you might be codependent, you are controlling, etc. I dismissed this. Like any good alanoner has gone through at some point I thought, me have a problem ? No way.
This is my current working theory and as I learn and grow more that can change. I don't have to worry the dating. I'm not single. But I hope that if that ever changes and that I can use what I'm leaning about myself and gain enough recovery that I don't make the same mistakes, or at least model better boundries in relationships for my children to see.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I have always had unhealth relationships, with men. That is my life story. I am now off & on back in a relationship with an old boyfriend. I love him so much, this go round is a little better. I need all the help I can get. I may try that book too.
