My life is unmanageable - Al-Anon Family Group

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

My life is unmanageable

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Who's home is it, and who is hostage in this home?

Sometimes it's easier to let it go right back where it was becuz it is what a person is used to.

He is going to drink or whatever, he is an addict. The question is, do we want to make some boundaries and consequences and stick to them, so our lives are better? Also it gives them a chance to be miserable out there trying to figure out if they would be better off on a program of recovery and have a life, or be a drunk with nowhere to live?

We make it so easy for the disease to control us. We have to get to a point where we say NO MORE!! And we know we mean it and want it changed no matter what. It's especially hard when it is our kids.

I will never forget seeing my son go out the door when I told him get a job, go to school, do something by.... he didn't there he was with his back pack full and all his stuff to carry to ?

He is not A but he still had to grow up and leave mommy to do it! and guess what? He did.

I invite you to decide what you want. He has to be as confused as you are, he is very sick on top of it. Yelling or whatever means zero, the disease endures it as it wants a place to be babysat so it can do what it wants.

Hope and pray you are able to find that place in you that says NO MORE. And also love your son enough to stop helping the disease to kill him!

Hey I remember how hard it was to have to tell them to go Ah or my son. How weird here they are sick and I am suppose to kickem out??? (my son was suffering depression, would not stay on meds)

You will figure it out when ya do! The sicker you are of it, the sooner the light will go on! love,debilyn

oldergal · Senior Member

El-Cee, thinking of you, you had a small crisis, and now you have stepped back (smart) to assess what is happening and to contact your HP.... Debilyn's reply is excellent. You seem to be totally aware of what happened (no denial) so your actions and thoughts are positive. You are a strong person and you can get yourself back on track, I have faith in you, have faith in yourself ..... og

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You are not back to step one....you are aware of what you are doing. You and only you can make the decision to change when you are ready to. We have a lot to learn and let go of, so one day at a time it will get better.

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You tried again. It didn't work.

I doubt many if any of us are willing to give it a try just once with our young adult kids. We love them.

It took me quite a few tries to provide a stable home and support for sober living for my son and it blowing up in my face to finally release myself and him. Each try that didn't work got me that much closer to seeing there truly was nothing I could do but let him go and do whatever he would do.

I stormed, too, el cee. Not so much at him but at the reality of the disease. I don't think one healthy Mom would say when it doesn't work: "Oh, la de dah! I can see I need to say goodbye for now. So, son, I love you so much and please, send me a letter when you get to wherever you're going. Now, give Mama a kiss. I'm going to a movie."

It's hard, el cee, and we're just not perfect at doing this with or without program. (((el cee)))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Debilyn.....there comes a time when "NO" means "NO" and it stays that way.....you let him in the house, he screwed up, so now its time to , yes, get into steps , meets, and talk w/fellow alanons and get back your power.....and say "NO"....trust me, if you kick him out he will either go down the tubes or he will be forced to get help.....when you hold him over the abyss, he will continue his downward spiral until hes gone......your only hope of him straightening out is to CUT HIM LOOSE.....you know it....your a mom and its hard, but cutting him loose is the only chance of saving this guy.....

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the suggestions. I know what the right thing to do is, its the courage I am lacking I think. The fear of the what ifs, stops me acting in my own best interests. I don't know what I do to get the courage and take that leap of faith. I am scared of what will become of him if I let go and what will become of him if I don't. These are my fears though and its selfish to act or not act due to these. I will try hard to give this some thought, connect with my hp and hopefully the right action.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee: I spent a lot of time and energy worrying about my son and the "what ifs" for him. What I ignored was what was happening to me. I couldn't leave the house without concern that something would happen with him in it and there was always something happening with him in it. I was having nightmares. Relaxation with his consistent demands for take me here, take me there, do this, do that, why can't I wasn't possible. Relaxation away from home knowing he was usually doing something I didn't want done in my home was non-existent. Even the nights he was gone staying with friends were upsetting nights for me. I never knew when or if he'd be coming in with or without a key to the house. I finally had to look at what was happening to me with him in active-A mode. What if's finally gave way to "what now?" I wasn't courageous as much as I was wanting my own life to be peaceful and stress free in my own home. His life was full of drama and I simply couldn't let that disease and all that comes with it destroy me. He knew about AA. He'd been to it. It worked for him while he was working it. Living with me worked, too, with both of us working our programs. When he stopped, it took very little time for life in my house to become a place of refuge for an active-A whose behavior was increasingly difficult to be around.

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