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I have been to a total of 3 meetings on here and I really enjoy them. I want to apply some of the things I have picked up from the advice I have recieved but right now I am still a little angry. The things I am mainly angry about are that my husband doesnt really listen when I try to tell him what I am feeling. I told him I feel unloved and then I talked to him for a breif minute yesterday and of course before we hung up it was no I love you or do you feel any better (because the other day I blew up on him i cried my eyes out and the conversation didnt end very well) or anything. He asked me what are we doing. Meaning are we staying together or not? Thats why I have been contemplating if I am going to stay or leave. What lead to this arguement was the fact that I ask for little simple things like to feel loved and I want to feel like my feelings matter to him I want him to wear his wedding ring which he doesnt and it bothers me because out of spite and an attempt to make me mad he decided to get one of his ex's name tattooed on his ring finger once when we were split up. The last thing I am angry about which I have shared before is this mens workshop that his sponsor wants him to go to. Ok thats fine I dont have a problem with the work shop but its the weekend of our anniversary which in the last 7 years we only spent 2 together due to the trouble he has been in. Now my husband gets to come home and visit sunday but im not so sure I want him to come any more. I dont want to talk to him at all I dont really want to see him because I have so many emotions running through me and the last time I was trying to express how I felt I started off by saying "hows treatment going? Are you happy with how things are going and where you are at right now?" Then I told him how I was feeling and all I got from him was eye rolling and alot of sighs from him. Why does he neglect my feelings? What do yo guys think about this?
Ashley - It sounds like a lot of verbal, mental, and spiritual energy you are exerting trying to get him to feel, say, and act like a good husband to you. It remains in question if he is capable of that right now right? I'm guessing right now he can't even feel his own feelings correctly let alone the feelings he may or may not have for you. There is an alanon saying about "Don't go to the hardware store expecting to be able to buy bread." This saying exists because we often make frantic efforts for our alcoholics to act how we think they should act when they are not capable of making the choices we expect. I'm thinking all of your requests are normal ones IF you had a more normal and healthy husband. Right now, he's a barely functioning drunk in rehab who might sound normal cuz he's not blottoed drunk when you talk to him, but he's far from normal.
So, I think relaxing, putting the focus on you more, giving him space and not letting what he does or doesn't do dominate your moods and serenity is the task at hand. It's easier said than done but you are on your way already with going to meetings. Keep delving in to alanon.
i can relate to everything you have shared having been in 13 years .. out for 2 .. and going through much of the same .. my partner struggled with a meth addiction .. he, eventually lost his fight, ended up back in trouble, and is out of our lives for another year .. we have a child together .. very sad .. angry ? not as much as i used to be, but anger is grief .. the good news ? i realise i too believed i needed my partner to be the one I talked to .. Made sense right ? afterall the problem was with him .. or was it .. Through alanon i eventually realised I Really needed to talk but that He wasn't going to be the one to clear my thinking .. restore my emotions to feeling good or our finances or any other area of our lives that had been effected.. alcoholism / drinking drugging .. it's a thinking disease Not just a drinking disease .. when i began to just share with the group of others who were experts really for having lived with the same, my thinking began to clear and sanity and serenity began to return .. hope grew and courage followed ..
It seems it would be simple for others to show us love and make us Feel like we matter to them .. Reality ? where is their life; how much does it matter to them .. I couldn't always see where my own partner was powerless but i could see where his life was growing increasingly unmanageable ..
My belief with him at the time was that i didn't have the problem; He had the problem .. if only he would do A B C . tell me A B C i would be happy .. i would feel at peace .. I could return to normal .. it was unfortunately my normal to try to receive love from others because i didn't know how to receive my own .. hurt .. this is in no way to say this is your experience; this is only mine .. there is no right wrong, etc.. we can only know as human beings what each of us goes through .. if we've really never known authentic love, etc .. it is hard to pass forward .. if we didn't grow up with healthy loving reltationships, we won't secretly know how to have them with others once were grown .. Everything takes time .. I thought I knew it all before I came to alanon .. what i learned in alanon is that I had to relearn many of the lessons i had learned in the past ..
i don't know if this helps but it is definitely recomended to try 6 meetings face to face .. Even listening will help .. the hope comes when we start hearing our problems .. when i couldn't fix all this stuff .. i thought it was about love .. there was something wrong with Me (shame) .. as for the meth .. he never used in my home .. the behavior was crazy and it took many years to recognise what it truly meant to have an addiction; he would however pick fights; start a crisis to run .. I felt crazy because my feelings matched his behavior .. i wasn't always feeling my behavior .. i was just feeling what was going on .. felt crazy cuz it was .. not cuz there was something wrong with me necessarily all the time ..
Anm...try some focus on the 3Cs...I haven't Caused this, I won't Control it and will not be able to Cure it. That may cause some relaxation. More Face to Face meetings...a sponsor...literature...work the steps...more coming. ((((hugs))))
Also try reading your post as if you were someone else to get a perspective of where the person it and what needs to happen.
Those are very normal desires and totally appropriate for a healthy relationship.
He's not capable of a healthy relationship right now, unfortunately. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to have one. But it will be unrealistic to expect him to be able to step up in the current state of things. If he remains sober -- and unfortunately not all do -- eventually he may learn how to be in a healthy relationship. That wouldn't happen overnight and might not happen at all. I know that's very painful when you've been waiting and starving for caring all this time.
So the choice of whether to wait and see whether he becomes capable of these things in time is yours. Every situation is different and there is no one right answer. The chances that he stays in recovery, and then learns how to be caring and loving in a healthy relationship, are maybe not great, but they are not zero. Only something like 15-25% of alcoholics who enter recovery stay in recovery longterm. But because there are so many alcholics, that means that thousands of people do make it. How prepared you are to wait and see if he makes it is something for you to explore.
Whether you leave now, or later, or stay and wait, or stay for good, the same thing is true: that you need caring and nurturing now, not at some far-distant point in the future. Of course starting on another romantic relationship instantly is not a good idea, even if it were possible, but caring and nurturing can come from many sources. You can nurture yourself. Cultivate friendships. Find a sponsor. Cultivate your relationship with your Higher Power. Spend time around relatives who are healthy and supportive (assuming you have some -- many of us turn to other friendships instead). Your A is indeed the hardware store right now, but you still need bread.
You got good advice here...so can't add anything except to say good about the meetings...and over time, programme will teach you how to take care of you...detach from him and his problems which you didn't cause....can't ever cure....will never control....that includes his moods, etc...
you will learn, if you stick w/programme to take care of you, focus on you and therefore you won't CARE that he is attentive or not.....You may decide to stay and be your own person or you may decide to leave the relationship and be your own person......some folks leave..some stay...but the ones in strong programs, if they stay, they do it b/c they mastered the art of living with and for themselves and unless there is abuse or danger, they just don't care what the A is doing...they are living their own lives and doing their own thing.....living and letting live w/out any expectations from the A....
I chose to leave it b/c I want a relationship...an equal partnership where we can share the good things partners do......if I was gonna be "on my own and living single" then I was gonna be ON MY OWN and living single so i could be available to more healthy relationships, but that was me.......that was my choice....each woman or man is different....i do know, however if it is not arrested (drinking) and he /she is not working a strong program, the drinking disease is progressive...they will suffer health, legal, possibly, and job loss problems as the go down the tubes, and eventually you end up being his end of life care giver and then they die........if they get into program, get sober and stay sober, they CAN and DO learn how to be productive members of society and they CAN hold up their end of a relationship, BUT and the big BUT...thye MUST stay in program and they MUST stay sober....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I do agree you guys have given me all very good advice and I really appreciate it. I know I dont know you all but I love you guys for being so dedicated to my responses that I really need. I can say today I have a better attitude about things. I have not been so worried about him today. I also have an update. My husband was completed from rehab today (unexpectantly). My mind went through a million different emotions not knowing what was going to happen today. I decided you know what I am not going to stress today im just going to get through mu work day. I feel great right now. thanks to you all and alanon.
Oh and to clear up my husband is an recovering heroin addict. He was 11 months sober relapsed once and went back to inpatient rehab to get off suboxones. Which as of an hour or so ago he completed the program.
Expectations lead to resentment. When people aren't well, they're not capable of meeting the needs of others or responding to requests. They may care, but are unable to show or communicate their feelings. It's positive that you reached out to Alan-on people who understand. I remember being in a similar place in my marriage. It didn't matter what I said or did, my needs were not met and I didn't get the understanding I needed. I just kept working on myself, going to meetings (in person) and steps. You can eventually become content regardless of where your qualifier or other difficult people in your life are at. You can take all the time you need to decide about the future of your relationship. xoxo
-- Edited by Clear4 on Sunday 26th of January 2014 09:58:03 PM
