The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ok .. so maybe not an ulcer but a knot in the pit of my stomach, definitely .. feeling sick tonight and just needed to put it out here .. i have a situation that i absolutely can't change .. i can't even accept that i can't change it .. it seems like it should be so easy to do and yet it is so hard .. i am certain i need a solution quick .. and see myself waiting as if God is going to just come through with a quick to do list .. beginning to see he may not do that .. ever .. it's my situation to work through .. i hate this .. and am i surprised there's another thing i'm powerless over? absolutely .. surprised even that i'm surprised ..
i am sitting in my resentments tonight on this step and just felt overwhelmed .. trying to be gentle with myself and just not even able tonight .. definitely feel the disease in me and if i'm honest .. even see how much of the disease i brought out in others through the years .. and quite frankly .. feel like vomiting .. sorry but what it is ..
the real fear ? god is going to leave me alone period .. not be here or there for me .. turn out to be unavailable .. let me down .. punish me .. this feels the one situation to great to be lessened (the lesson as in learning, it feels like meaningless chaos and it feels like it has the power to crush me .. my fear is god will let it) .. i can see i have lost the image once again of a loving higher power .. not sure i had a clear image of the love .. i am seeing lately when i am afraid to move closer to His love, His hope, Trusting Him .. it's because i'm not viewing any of these in their clear perception .. fear of the future .. fear because of my reaction to the fear .. i can't afford to sit still and do nothing .. and mainly my reaction prealanon was to put things off until it felt like there were larger than life situations ..
hope this reads sense .. i took the break from the 4th but just wishing i could settle my stomach .. i see patterns .. i'm afraid to take necessary action and afraid to not .. thanks for letting me share ..
also afraid because instead of listening to him, there are times i listen to me .. My disease (confusion, or what's the use attitude) .. never a good choice but seems to be a natural reaction .. grrr
God will not let you down or leave you if you continue to have faith in the 3rd step. Dig down deep inside and tell yourself I can do this.....and you can. Just take it one day at a time one thing at a time. Don't try and change it all at once. You didn't get there all at once you know.
Prayers coming that you will find peace as you move forward
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
thanks .. as far as sponsor and program .. i have a sponsor and i sponsor .. as for getting out of my head .. reaching out here in hopes one will share from their own experience if they have experienced where i am .. my share is pretty straight forward and open with where i am but i just don't know what i'm reaching for this morning .. just a sick place to be right now ..
my faith is growing but it gets misplaced at times still ... still transitioning .. hoping this is just part of helping me with my fourth step .. it's a rough one for me and my eyes are being opened .. it's only dark in the beginning i know .. the more i share the more i am honest open and step out in faith in these rooms, the rmore god will show up in others .. if he doesn't this is more of a struggle with again my will verses gods will .. i feel powerless but i'm not helpless as long as others are willing to share .. ..
thanks to you both for your responses this morning .. ((( hugs received and returned )))
I have had those terrifying times. It was comforting and calming to think of - and then start humming or singing - songs from my childhood that spoke of my HP's love. As a child, I did not question the lyrics. I swallowed them whole. By re-experiencing them OUT LOUD so many years later, I could somehow get into my experience as a child. Who was standing next to me in the choir when we learned this? Who was in the audience when we sang it at an event? How did I feel then?
Saying the Serenity Prayer out loud also speeds up my serenity. Nobody has to hear me. (well you know my HP does even if I am silent)
I have experienced very much the same reaction when I reflected on my past and my motives. I was amazed at how blind and unseeing I was and how often I used my powerful denial and pretend tools to do what I wanted.
At one point,I became extremely angry at God and decided not to talk to Him How foolish is that. During that period of time, as someone else mentioned, songs from my childhood did surface and I found myself singing them in my head as I walked to work.God had not forsaken me after all. The most powerful and inspiring song was; "When you walk through storm". The lines urged me to walk on through the the dark with Hope in my heart and assured me that I would then never walk alone. Somehow this touched my soul and my spirit believed.
This quote from the Bible also enabled me to:" Walk on through the Storm"
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
After working all the steps I was given the wonderful gift of acceptance. Not only did I accept others for who they were but I also, most importantly, accepted myself and my foibles . I actually gave myself permission to be human. What a gift.
You are doing fine so keep on sharing You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 23rd of January 2014 11:11:15 AM
My first 4th step was gut wrenching too, I was buried in guilt and shame and the feelings of unworthiness. I was so embarrassed to come clean and worried of the judgment of my sponsor. She never batted an eye and let me let it out at my pace and reading out of my workbook was easier than looking up at her as I did so it was freeing and I actually felt God's love and it was such a release, because He already knew. This is why I am breakingfree I changed my name here shortly after my 4th and 5th steps and just felt brand new in my mind, body and soul. Hope my ESH helps, take what you like and leave the rest. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
When I feel this lonely I take myself outside and sit in the air and really concentrate on how it feels against my skin, and then I imagine the air moving all around the world, how every part of it is connected until it reaches around and touches the other side of me as well. I breath in the air, it is even a part of me. We are so connected and when I realise that I can't imagine how God can possibly fail to know me and accept me. If God left me alone there would, in my imaginings, be a gap and I don't think he would let that happen.
When I did my first 4th step in a format different than our steps, I, too saw the many ways I had hurt myself and hurt others. Not because I wanted to do that, but because it was the only way I knew until then. We wrote a paper on guilt - personal guilt. I was so overwhelmed by what I saw, I crept off to my room in the retreat house where I was with others and wouldn't come out for lunch. I felt so ashamed. A man who lead our group through a weekend process came knocking at my door with a tray of food. I didn't know how to escape him. I didn't know how to tell him no. He brought my lunch tray in and sat it down. Then, he sat down. I could tell he wasn't leaving and I couldn't look him in the eye. I stood and looked out my window where I could see the lake. Swans were swimming on the lake. I started telling the man in my room everything I was seeing - like a 5th step - without facing him.
After awhile, all the memories and the speaking of memories ended. I still stood facing the water - with my profile to him. I could sense he wasn't going to leave the room. I knew I couldn't stand in the position all afternoon. I had a sense he was going to stay there for as long as it took. At some point, I turned to face him, expecting to see disgust and rejection in his face. What I saw were tears, streaming down his cheeks underneath his chin. I recognized in that moment the love of a HP that wasn't judging or condemning me. He felt such compassion for me that it brought him to tears. I had never experienced that kind of love in my lifetime. I knew it was real. I allowed my facilitator to hug me - something due to abuse issues was very hard for me to do. I felt the embrace of a HP that had been with me through every twist and turn in my lifetime. It profoundly changed my life.
Later that weekend, I like Betty, sang the same song and I sang it in a way that it didn't matter to me if people liked it or didn't like it. It was a hymn of praise for experiencing the profound and merciful presence of a Love greater than any human being can ever offer another on their own.
((( thank you so much to each of you .. ))) these help .. i began thinking about being in the dark and heard it when i was reading the above by hotrod ..
The lines urged me to walk on through the the dark with Hope in my heart and assured me that I would then never walk alone .. i was thinking of my circumstances the future that is not here yet, etc.. i've always thought of the dark as just confusion .. insanity, secrets, etc .. i know the emotional mental spiritual dark will clear with stepwork. what i'm seeing is the future isn't here yet .. i began seeing the dark as the unknown but realised i have been being led out of the dark in me .. helps to know hp will lead me through the dark of the future as well .. after all he is building trust with me too .. so grateful ..
breaking it always helps to have your hp .. everyone's .. it's such a painful process to become free and i am Still so embarrassed .. i was willing to learn about others in this program .. lol it's a little harder learning Even More about Me .. really ? does it ever end .. ? lol sheesh .. this is like my 3rd 4th step .. but i felt strongly the lingering resentments and my own hp leading me back saying you aren't finished .. and of course it's deeper now than my first or second because my insight is deeper .. the beautiful gift is my sponsor and i have grown close .. i trust her with my life and know she trusts me too .. on one hand i love where i am because we bounce off eachother .. on the other hand .. it's been through sharing even when i'm worried, etc .. fearful of her judgments that has led me to have the trust .. but i have to remember when i'm being freed, i will see it come up .. this is what i'm feeling on its way out .. the chipping away and loosening of the dirt, etc.. absolutely i'm embarrassed to have to see how many times in life when i came along, others' happy seemed to leave .. lol not funny but you know .. funny .. i see how much i have effected them too .. like the country song, "Oh lord it's hard to be humble."
I so wish i could go sit outside milkwood, it's 20 below here up north .. if i were to expose my skin i'd be paying alot more than attention !! lol but i can find a good place to sit and enjoy the surroundings elsewhere .. maybe even a meditation tape for the rest of my stepwork and candles =) coffee and special creamer helps too .. (_)?cheers .. ((( and thanks )))
grateful that's absolutely beautiful .. thank you for sharing that with me us and reminding me there was no others way i could do things. it's all i knew .. i wish we could all get together and write a book of miracles and love .. i would be first in line for the buying .. label it the power of love ..
Good morning MeTwo2,
What you have written here is truly beautiful - like the delicacy of butterflies wings, vulnerable, full of colour and remarkable in its unfurling (if there is such a word!)
Sometimes it feels as though these pages are our collective story.
Have a lovely day (((((hugs))))))
i can see i have lost the image once again of a loving higher power .. not sure i had a clear image of the love .. i am seeing lately when i am afraid to move closer to His love, His hope, Trusting Him .. it's because i'm not viewing any of these in their clear perception .. fear of the future .. fear because of my reaction to the fear .. i can't afford to sit still and do nothing .. and mainly my reaction prealanon was to put things off until it felt like there were larger than life situations ..
.. 
The most powerful and inspiring song was; "When you walk through storm". The lines urged me to walk on through the the dark with Hope in my heart and assured me that I would then never walk alone. Somehow this touched my soul and my spirit believed.