So angry - Al-Anon Family Group

anm722 · Member

So angry

Mari1978 · Senior Member

It is a difficult road to travel. I understand your anger and frustration all too well. I am also on the outside. I have 3 kids, a job and a house to maintain. It is very overwhelming. Please take care of yourself. I usually need to reach out to someone to vent. I am so glad you have shared here. You are not alone. My anger exhausted me most days. It made for a lousy day. I realized after that I, myself, ripped myself of the good things life had to offer. I was so angry at A, I would miss out on many good things. I had to learn how to recognize the anger. As you have done. Figured out why I was so angry. I then learned the term. Let it go. (I had difficulty with that one) Over time and with patience I learned from others ESH (experience, strength and hopes) how to let go. I still have moments where I realize I am angry. I am now reminded that I need to do something for myself. I began to focus on the positive things. I have a wonderful sponsor. It was suggested to wake every morning and make a list of things I am grateful for. Please keep coming back and sharing. It works if you work it. I know. I have lived it and continue to live it. The alanon promises are true.

anm722 · Member

Thank you for sharing that with me. I tell myself all the time to just let it go but I want him to know how hard it is.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

the best gift I gave myself was to realize that is was NOT my husband, but the disease I was angry at. I learned to day well the disease lied to me again, or the disease has made it so hard for this marriage to work etc.

No one chooses to be an addict.

hugz,debilyn

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ANM,

Alcoholism is a dreadful aggressive, fatal disease. Your partner may sound carefree,but I assure you that rehab is difficult and demanding. In order to recover from the disease of alcoholism it is of the utmost importance that he keep the focus on himself and his recovery. There are steps in that recovery process in which he will be asked to look at the damage that he has caused and to make amends. That does not happen overnight.

This is why Al-Anon is so very important for the family members. It is at Al-Anon meetings that we learn to accept the support, understanding, compassion and love from others who are walking the same difficult path.

Sponsorship, Al-Anon telephone calls, the slogans such as; live one day at a time, focus on yourself, how important is it, Let it begin with me, all help to redirect our negative energy into a positive life affirming attitude.

Both AA and Al-Anon are programs that require dedication and work. We believe in progress not perfection and support each other in the process.

Mari, has just outlined how well the programs work so I urge you to keep coming back.

You are not alone and you are worth it

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. I understand. I handled everything, too. When I felt angry, it was usually because I feared I didn't have what it took to do what I needed to do by myself for me and for my children. On my own, I didn't. With the help of my HP and my friends' encouragement and care, I learned that I did have what it took one day at a time. Sending you lots of understanding, encouragement and support.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Anm:

You are definitely not alone! All of us who have lived with active alcoholism, whether our As ever sought recovery or not have felt the anger just as you described. When I felt that angry it always helped me to have some focus for myself...a meeting, reading, some exercise, some focus to channel what I was feeling. Sometimes even meditating with a focus on a slogan has been helpful. Great that you came here to share. We are all here with you.

YF

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha anm...Its okay to be angry and to vent and you came to a safe place to do that. I learned that anger for me was part of me not "getting it"...trying to understand and just not "getting it". I'm soooo grateful that I didn't run the second time I came into the program like I did the first. As it has been said and what worked for me was giving me lots of time...one day at a time...lots of meetings (102X90) and the desire to keep coming back and listening with an open open mind. The lack of understanding and anger drove me crazy however we have a 2nd step that promised me sanity...if I would just keep coming back and trusting the process. In the meantime my counselor gave me the okay to tantrum do it with drama when I felt overwhelmed by anger. I did it just like I was at 2 and 3 only I was bigger and louder and scary and it helped when I did it then...helped take the energy out of the anger so I could think more clearly and respond better if I wanted to rather than just react.

The opposite of anger is acceptance...for me. If I don't like feeling the anger I feel acceptance of the fact (only) of the situation and then let it go...I'm powerless.

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome and I do understand your anger and confusion at this time , yeah he is in a safe enviorment with a lot of company to talk to , no cares or so it seems , try and remember how many times you prayed for sobriety it will help . You don't have to go thru this alone find a few Al-Anon meetings for yourself make new friends for me the best way to support their efforts at sobriety is to have my own program and learn how to mind my own business. As for him understanding how your feeling well that probably won't happen any more than you will truly understand his compulsion to drink , talk to Al-Anons they do understand and they listen , you will be heard. If he is going to stay sober he will need support from AA try not to resent the time he spends in those rooms they will help to keep him sober . We had a part in this mess and our program will help you to understand what that is . We learn a different way to live and to take responsibility for our own happiness . One day at a time you can do this . Keep your expectations low , don't expect too much too soon learning to live without alcohol takes time .. just my opinion Louise

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
or the disease has made it so hard for this marriage to work etc.
No one chooses to be an addict.
hugz,debilyn

I agree...noone chooses to be an addict, BUT he has a choice about does he want to put it in arrest or stay going with it........He can choose AA or the disease owning him.....my sponsor has had her ups and downs, but works her program...sober since the 1980s becos she chose sobriety.....I can't buy into the "devl make me do it" when there is a free program and its name is AA and alanon for us.....true..noone chooses to be an addict..........i did not choose to be a survivor of what I went through, but instead of letting coda eat me up anymore...When i became aware of the programs I got in and been in it and will be in it for life.....HP always gives us the strength to overcome IF we want it and reach out..........my AH chose to do the stuff he did instead of straightening him self out in the program.....

-- Edited by neshema2 on Wednesday 22nd of January 2014 09:53:33 PM

jillybean1 · Senior Member

I can relate, my AH is in rehab in Florida, I am in NJ digging out of a blizzard, handling everything at home and he called me to say that the letter I sent to him sounded depressing and how come it takes so long for him to get mail???? So I think.....not a thank you for sending the letter, and some other stuff, not hey how are you doing in the blizzard (although he worried about his car getting road salt on it) UGH AND I am thinking......He's in Florida!!!! So here is what I said to him......." I will send a more positive letter soon.....you take care of yourself" I think they are still self centered and can't relate to how much we are doing ( and have done in the past) while they were numbed by alcohol. I hope that they will realize all this in time and then have appreciation. This is my hope-----not my expectation, of course.

when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!!!!!

Jill

anm722 · Member

Im not disputing what you are saying and thank you for your reply but how do you NOT choose to be an addict? At some point you think to yourself "hey im going to try this drug." What stops you from continuing to think "well you know if you try this drug you could get addicted."?

anm722 · Member

Thank you jerry you are so right I dont "get it" so until its clear to me I will continue to question things in stead of accepting it. I cant fathom how he is the addict and im seeking meetings. It seems like why do I have to go to meetings and learn steps? NOT that I dislike them because I really like attending but doesnt that seem like im being punished for what he did? Iam not sure if an addict of drugs and alcohol are different ( im sure their not) but my husband is a drug addict. I sometimes think about giving up because I dont think I will ever forgive him or not be angry at him

anm722 · Member

Thank you Louise or abbyal that was put quite well.

anm722 · Member

Thank you jillybean I feel the sane way. He is in the same town as me and he knows how the weather has been lately and I dont get a phone call to see if im ok or when I talk to him its never a worry about me and how I am handling things. I dont know how you stay so positive because I would have over reacted and probably hung up the phone. I want to learn how you all handle these situations I go through so I hope no one thinks im just being stubborn.

anm722 · Member

Thank you yf

anm722 · Member

Thank you also debilyn and bettie

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

A...part of the definition for alcoholism which also can work for drug addiction is that it is "A compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body". The mind screams use and the body says I reject this. The majority of the family, friends and associates of the addicted ask the same question and simply it's how can she not think her way out of this?...how can she not see the picture? The compulsion of the mind means that the alcohol/drugs set up the user and the drug creates obsession to it. The psycological profile of the alcoholic is that they are "risk takers" and from my experience with alcohol that is very true. "I know what it does to others and I'm different, it won't get me". Alcohol and Drugs are most powerful mind and mood altering chemicals...they do seem to have "up" consequences, also they have severe "down" consequences...not only for the drinker or user and also for those associated. Those who drink and use become "different" and they cannot not be different because the chemical "alters" the entire person. People get punished for moral errors I partly think and use to think myself until I found out this was a disease and my alcoholic/addict wife was very very sick and not bad. At first I felt also like I was being punished until I could change that thought to "I'm being affected and I need to understand what is going on and my part in it". I had self righteous thoughts and feelings until I learned I had a part in my problem...not hers...mine. Until I learned my part I would not be able to change for me. This was my 3rd alcoholic and drug addicted relationship....I had to come to understand and I have in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and also college and therapy. Today I know and I know that I know what this is all about for me.

Keep coming back and searching...reaching out and asking for help..."If you keep and open mine...you will find help". ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

anm722 wrote:
Im not disputing what you are saying and thank you for your reply but how do you NOT choose to be an addict? At some point you think to yourself "hey im going to try this drug." What stops you from continuing to think "well you know if you try this drug you could get addicted."?

OK.....MY post MEANT that YES..they had a choice to take that drink...smoke that joint....take that drugs....YES.they chose that, but they did't bargain that they would get "hooked" they took that risk (choice again) thinking that they would be "ok"....that is why I say, the ACT is a choice....the results is the result of their choices....but noone gots to bed at night and prays to get hooked on the stuff

Also an expert told me that the booze does not make a cheater, abuser or beater....they are that , anyway, the booze/drugs just removes any qualms about doing it.....my first AH was an abuser and he wold have been like that anyway..........my second AH was NOT..he was sweet natured, considerate, and a good man, but he was an alcohlic....NEVER wold he even think of pushing me shoving me grabbing me like the first one did....it just was not in him to do that.....my father drank to excess....he was a serial child offender sober, drinking...it made no difference....he was a deviant, anyway, the evil was already in him......when he drank, he was just more careless about covering his tracks and such....

..JUST saying.....please take what you like and leave the rest

-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 23rd of January 2014 01:24:47 PM

anm722 · Member

Sorry if I offended what you were saying I am trying and learning im not saying what you are telling me isnt true I just need to "get it" to understand clearly. I really appreciate you all talking and responding to me and teaching me.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

anm722 wrote:
Sorry if I offended what you were saying I am trying and learning im not saying what you are telling me isnt true I just need to "get it" to understand clearly. I really appreciate you all talking and responding to me and teaching me.

I am too into my program to get offended at a person unless they really go after me, then I stand up for me and move on.....so all i was doing was "tossing my experience" out there and one either uses it or not...no harm...no foul......this is a "take what you like and leave the rest" program when we use these boards or share in a meeting.....You embrace what resonates w/you and discard the rest.....it is ok, either way.......so no worries on my part....the more I give to this program, the more I benefit....its like a good investment in good karma.....I hope you stick around, it truly is a life line

anm722 · Member

Thank you I will be around.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

I think, not only are they taking the risk by smoking/shooting up/drinking, i think also people don't realize what an addiction really is and how it would affect them. They can't even imagine of something that would take over their brain like the disease does. My AW wife is about as strong willed and opinionated as they come, before alcohol I never would have guessed that something could get hold of her like alcohol has.

Peace
Kenny

cwya · Senior Member

Coming at this from a double winner perspective the things that helped me understand alcoholism the most was when it was established by science, more or less, that alcoholics are born not made. If you are born with the disease, you have only 2 choices. Either you never, ever, taste an alcoholic beverage and don't therefore ever become a drunk, or pick up a drink and that's all she wrote. I wanted alcohol from the time I was 4 years old. I loved looking at the golden fizzing glass of beer and wanted it from that moment on. Did I really have a choice? I started sneaking booze when I turned 12 and was drunk whenever I got the chance from then until about a week from death, someone told me about AA at the age of 28. So really, no, I never had a chance.

In the old days, before they found the addiction gene there was a debate in the program about whether you could drink yourself into alcoholism. I never believed so but most Sober Alcoholic recognize now they didn't choose to become an alcoholic. They don't even really "choose" to keep drinking. Its the first drink that gets us drunk. I saved my life by going to AA. Al-Anon saved my life a second time when my feelings started coming back when I was 12 years sober. In recovery, I learned that everyone in an alcoholic home has the same disease and it can be just as fatal whether you pour booze down your gullet or whatever the drug of choice is, or you dont. I married an active alcoholic and my son died of the disease even though he was clean and sober at the instant of his death.

There is a joke in AA: what do you get if you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief. Its the "ism" that gets us whether we drink and use or not.

If someone is born with the disease they stand no chance really of not wanting more. Another saying in AA is that "it takes 3 drinks for me to feel like non-alcoholics do without it."

In Al-anon I learned to get rid of my anger like Jerry F did, be pounding the bed, screaming to the heavens, breaking glass against a wall (being a recovering perfectionist I put the trash can at the foot of the brick wall), beating a milk jug with a broom handle. Whatever I had to to break the grip anger had on my mind, soul and body I did because I also learned in alanon that my anger was MY anger, not the alcoholic's. Once I got that through that I didn't have to beat him up with it anymore. So vent freely, my dear. We've all lived where you're at.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.