The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And I'm still needing some answers, help, anything.
I'm planning on going to more meetings because i feel they can really help me, but for now, i would like to hear from some veterans on some advice to get me through the week.
Some background info is, I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, we broke up for a year because of his drinking. I came home every night from work to him blacked out. Hardly the young and in love relationship i envisioned for myself. So i left. A year later we decide to give it another shot. Surprise! I get pregnant. We are expecting a baby girl in April. His drinking got way better...till recently. Its back. While hes not blacked out every night, him having a drink or two while I'm at work is enough to make me nervous, stressed, and upset. We have a baby on the way for God sakes, how does he not see that drinking and being a dad do not mix? When hes not drinking for his "promised" periods of time, we are like peas and carrots. We are happy and everything is so great. I just torture myself with wondering how he doesn't SEE this, and use that as motivation to stop drinking.
Anyways. I'm excited for the ideas and concepts Al-Anon center around, but its so hard not to take this personally. Especially when he has promised to stop for the sake of our family and relationship, but slips up not a few days later. How are you supposed to ignore the alcoholic when they are drunk and go about your daily activities? Hopefully these are things ill learn in due time, but man it hurts, and i just am so tired of being so hurt by stupid alcohol. I just want to be happy again.
Sorry for ranting, but thanks for taking the time to read this far. I read the welcoming reading material. I felt like i was reading a brochure about myself! I am notorious for searching though the trash for empty bottles, I do treat my boyfriend like a child, I do check up on him asking if/how much hes drank today. Its uncanny. Im happy ive started on my own road to recovery and hopefully, ill be able to live again without feeling like im walking on egg shells all the time. Its awful. I want the relief of letting go of control over this but im worried that letting go of control will lead to more hurt. We will see.
Thanks again, and any advice or words of encouragement is just what i could use right now.
Welcome, glad you are here. Im sorry you are going through this. I had 3 chikdren to the alcoholic who was in my life. I can relate to the obsessive behaviour that comes with alcoholism. I also listened to all the promises and believed them every time. Alanon will help you work out a few things, likempritecting yourself against the bad behaviour, loving yourself and having a really decent life, its a great idea to get help before your baby is born, I wish I had had the sense or knowledge. Good for you.x
Welcome to MIP
I am so glad you have come to find Al anon. In working this program for myself, I have been able to carry on with some sanity and find the tools and literature so comforting. We are not alone. Alcoholism is a baffling dreadful disease. I am grateful to know I no longer need to suffer. The face to face meetings, MIP, and a sponsor have helped me to eventually begin to realize that no matter what A does or doesn't do, there is hope for a better way for me. Please keep coming back and sharing. It is extremely important that we break the isolation that is caused by living with the disease. I have 3 children, the youngest is 17 mos. old. With the program implemented into my life, I am able to enjoy the wonderful blessings I have been given, One Day at a Time.
Welcome to MIP. So many of us here know what you're going through.
Congratulations on your pregnancy. Exciting
I found attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings the best decision I have made. Slowly over time, I came to understand I did not cause it, I cannot control it, and I cannot cure anyone else's behavior. Resentment abated as I worked the steps, and this takes time. I am so glad you found us, because you too can benefit from Al-Anon. Here you will find people who know what you're experiencing, which itself was a comfort to me.
As a newcomer, I found it very helpful to read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It took gave me more information about what I am dealing with and insight into what my alcoholic's "reality".
Hi, welcome Akavanagh (I had to cut and paste that name to make sure I got it right lol)
Congrats on your pregnancy.
I know exactly what you are talking about. I have come home many an evening to my AW not making sense, kinda power through making dinner, then passing out to the next morning. And then after a while she couldn't power through making dinner. Then after a while she was already passed out, and never quite came to til next morning. Alcoholism is progressive, and will keep getting worse. It could be very slow, or very quick, but it is only a downhill proposition.
I looked for bottles, talked, pleaded, ultimatumed, etc. She had the best of intentions. We have a 13 year old boy that she dearly loves and would never want to cause him hurt, and it would upset her greatly when I told her in the morning that she had been drinking the night before. Yet, the desire for alcohol would get hold of her so that when she was picking our son up from school and making the shopping trip for the evening, that bottle of vodka slipped in there, even though she knew what it would do.
She was out of control, and incapable of fighting it. And hurting me and our family in the process. Finally, after her second DUI, she came around to accepting the first step - that she was out of control, insane, and had no power to stop it.
She has been to two inpatient treatment centers, and is now 60+ days sober. But it requires her to be and stay in AA.
Meanwhile, I had all kinds of unacceptable behavior. And all it did was make things worse, for both me and her. And my expectations - that's one of the biggies, it sounds like you will need to deal with that as well. The A can have the best of intentions when stopping drinking is promised, but something will always happen to create an exception and make them drink. I have had to lower my expectations to almost 0, especially if it involved alcohol. She is much better now that she's sober, but it will be a while before I can have any high expectations of her.
I have learned so much through MIP and Al Anon. And also through the book Jill mentioned, Getting Them Sober. And also through the education program at my AW's inpatient center. I am a much happier person, and I am much less grumpy around the family, now that I have been able to look and see that some of these problems were caused by me and not my AW - believe it or not. And I don't look for bottles anymore - I gave that one up. If my AW relapses, I will get put to the test on that one.
Hugs and welcome, having kids with an A is no easy task. I wish I had sense to find alanon at your age and having kids. You will bless your child with sanity in an insane situation. I hope you will return to your meeting. It's so important to get a sponsor, meetings, lit and steps. Two books I would recommend .. How Alanon Works is a wonderful nuts and bolts explication of what alanon is and how to apply it to my life (paperback is 5 $). The other is a daily reader. They run about 7 $. I'm partial to courage to change. There are 3 that I'm aware of. That will help between meetings and do read the newcomer packet .. the pamphlets are full of information. I'm so glad you are here and hope you will keep coming back. Alanon gave me back my sense of self and reminded me regardless of what the the alcoholic is or isn't doing I always have choices no matter how hopeless the situation might feel in the moment. I am never truly alone. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am so glad you found us here at MIP! Face to face meetings, MIP and finding my sponsor and working the steps saved my sanity. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was amazing for me to read when I first crawled in the doors of al-anon and helped me to start managing my life. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Akavanaugh and welcome again to the board...It is hard to not take this disease personally...it is happening to you after all and it might seem that he is doing it on purpose. Just for me that is what I went thru when I reached the doors of Al-Anon for real. I didn't know anything about alcoholism or alcoholism being a disease and so personally my perception was that my then wife was just a b.... trying to hurt me on purpose. The program asked me to keep coming back and to listen with an open mind among other thingsand then I had that great AHA!! wakeup, white light, event where I came to understand that she was a sick person from being addicted to drugs and alcohol and trying at times to be considered normal. She never reached normal until she got sober and clean. Sober and clean is the normal; drugged out and drunk is about being intoxicated...or poisoned with a mind, mood, physical and spiritual altering chemical. Yeppers alcohol and drugs are not a part of the recommended food groups. Keep coming back to your face to face meetings and this board cause the program works when you work it and your successes help others to recover too. ((((hugs))))
