The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After coming here and sharing and making progress and everything I have tried to do, I feel like I am right back where I started. I have so much anger, and it reared its head today. I yelled at my husband. Twice. Full-on, top volume, roaring yell. I just got so sick of it. Everything is so awful, nothing ever works out for me, why do I even try, no one understands, whine whine whine. Yep. No one understands. Your life is always misery and toil and awfulness. No one will ever understand.
"You don't have to deal with it." That's what set me off. I AM DEALING with it. Every. Single. Day. I even tried talking to a mutual friend before I went nuclear, to no avail.
I know I am 100% wrapped up in him! and that I am not detaching. I am also becoming acutely aware and afraid of my anger. There is so much of it, and it never seems to have a place to go.
(((((Spider)))))...go easy on yourself...anger and him and yourself isn't so hot however after the anger there is acceptance and forgiveness. Oooops what a suggestion!! However I bet during the times I was using anger I could make yours and most others shouting sound like a whisper. I could get nuclear loud and don't now. I learned how to practice acceptance...not acceptance of the morality or ethics of anything and just the fact of it...It's done...let it pass, don't give myself a way. I'm grateful for the lessons and the guided tour by my sponsor and the fellowship. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it and you already know it does. ((((hugs))))
Seems to me you are well past square one because you are aware, and all progress you made is still there. We are human, how much of this martyr poor me life is so terrible poor poor me can one possibly take on any given day and not lose it? Can you do something good for yourself, it sounds like you are on empty right now and you can't count on the A to help with that...make a gratitude list or a list of the top ten reasons that you are an amazing creation of HP worthy of love, hope, and goodness. Use this as an opportunity to look at how far you have come, where you are headed, and how you are loved by HP, and by MIP. This too shall pass.
Wow, I remember feeling like that and burning up inside. This program works when you work it, like Jerry stated above and it takes time, patience and practice. Go easy on yourself, show yourself love and compassion and take good care of you. It is so hard to not focus on the A's and what they are doing and blah, blah, blah, I know, but when you practice detachment and see the good things happening around you, it is so much better. Keep coming back. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((Spider)) There are many times that I'm not a huge fan of being human; look for progress and not perfection. Please be gentle with yourself. There are no limits on how many times you can start over. Forgive yourself. Then do the next right thing.
I am incredibly grateful for Alanon- there is understanding in the fellowship. It took me a long time to not be bothered when people do not understand what they have not experienced. I do best when I keep things simple. Sometimes I'll let someone's comment hang alone in the air; sometimes, I'll accept their effort, "thank you for listening" and change the subject. Sometimes I offer a correction- "that doesn't really apply to my situation/ describe my circumstance."
I didn't like my anger either. HALT (don't get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired) I was able to practice new ways of not carrying it around and randomly exploding. I started recognizing the signs earlier and earlier and was able to call another Alanon member to work things out and return to the situation with more calm and a solution. I think of anger as a poison that I cannot afford to have. This helps me work to find serenity sooner than later and not bask in a negative spiral that perpetuates it.
In support
-- Edited by bud on Wednesday 22nd of January 2014 12:03:17 AM
I would like to share with you some of what I have learned through this program, working the steps, and through challenges in my life. In other words, follows is a bit of my experience, strength and hope.
Congratulations!! REALLY! You have done the hardest part, acknowledging that what you are doing is not working (Step 1: Admitted we were powerless) and asked for help (Step 2: Came to believe a Power "greater than ourselves" - even our Al-Anon Forum here - can restore us to sanity) And, yes, we ALL return to Square One, or Step 1, throughout our recovery.
NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND. Yes, I have found this to be quite true.
--> I think the real problem lies in my expectations of others. Everyone lives a different experience. I have found, the only One who understands...really, really understands...is my Higher Power. Give it UP, not 'give up.' (Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, "as we understood him.")
So, at STEP 3, the key here is to make 'a decision.' Is the issue anger? I am not so sure.
-->Anger is simply an emotion. It is quite appropriate to express anger. I have found that the real problem comes when I do *not* express it and I bottle it up for 'another day.' I pack it all in, push more in the bottle than it can hold. Shake it for good measure. Then, when my carbonized fizzy bottle of anger has been jostled and my tolerance is at zero, it blows! FULL ON, TOP VOLUME, ROARING YELL. Yes, they likely 'deserved it.' What is 'it'? Perhaps someone doing something inappropriate, warranting a simple 'I don't appreciate that' or a terse firm 'don't,' but did they 'deserve' my explosive bottle rocket? Well....
After I have exploded, I can:
-->(1) ...choose to justify my behavior. (This is my usual m.o. I have done this in the past. Did it work for me then?)
-->(2) ...take the opportunity to H.A.L.T. (recognize I am 'Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired' and HALT my actions until I take care of myself and my personal needs.)
I AM DEALING with it. But, do I need to?
--> What *exactly* is my role in this situation? Now comes Step 3, the decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God. This must be done before we can fully discover our role in the situation. I could not do it alone. Here is the basic gist of Step 3 "There is a God. I am not He. He can and will. I think I will let Him." What is your decision?
The hard work and REWARDS of Step 4 are waiting for you. It is in Step 4 that we figure out our responsibilities, our limits, and are better able to redirect our efforts toward our *real* responsibilities. You may be quite pleasantly surprised when you arrive here. I found that the one who dumped all the responsibilities on me was....well, it was me.
I have to share an anecdote of my children's behaviors, which are SO much easier for me to see than my own. Older daughter harumphs, again, about younger daughter's dirty Pull-Up lying on the floor in the bathroom. What is the problem? "*She* always leaves her stinky Pull-Up on the floor! So, *I* have to pick it up. *I* have picked it up *every* day this week." So, really, where is the problem? Little sis does not see one. It is always clean and nice smelling when she returns to the bathroom. Perhaps, older sis needs to leave it where it is for little sis to realize it will stink if you leave your dirty Pull-Up on the floor.
I spent way too much time picking up others' dirty Pull-Ups. Are you?
There are many many steps forward and then we see ourselves taking a step back. It happens and I agree that the progress is there because you see and recognize it. We are all here with you! When that has happened for me I have picked a slogan to focus on or a particular reading to reflect on.
I think you are showing lots of awareness and, frankly, thank god I'm not the only one who explodes!!!
I love the description of carbonised bottled up anger that BeTheChange describes - I've done that so many times.
The best cure for me is to do something really nice for myself, something that is going to enhance my self esteem and take me out of victim mode - I find treats work so much better than punishing guilt.
Go gently with yourself, I expect you have good reasons to be angry. It helps me when I try to look at my anger and listen to what it is trying to tell me. Not easy when my mind is racing and I'm replaying old conversations and grudges so sometimes I just have to just sit and think nice thoughts about people (or animals!) who have shown me love for a while before I can peacefully look at myself.
One of the things that I love about MIPS is that here people really do understand.
There's a little joke in Alanon. We don't graduate from the program. Maybe someone came up with that joke because so many of us have tried to work Alanon like we've signed up for pass or fail course. That might work if it weren't for that darn "life on life's terms" thingy! Life changes and the old unhealthy familiar behaviors don't serve us anymore when we start working a program. How come? Maybe because we're growing aware? At least for me... that was the beginning. I didn't have to get it all "right" just have awareness, inventory my behavior and give it my best shot in the next hour or day to do better. You'll come to your realizations if you continue with Alanon. For me.. my anger usually rooted in two things - believing I'm a victim and resentments I haven't worked through with my sponsor and the Alanon steps. These feelings still crop up even after many years in program. A little prayer, a little inventory of my behavior, an alanon meeting and a call to my sponsor or another trusted program person can shed some light and remind me to get out some alanon tools that might be collecting dust in my toolbox for working through resentments I might have, forgiving myself and others and moving forward one day at a time. Everything in balance.... my defects flipped are assets. Angry can be a good thing when expressed in a healthier way. I need to be mindful and use THINK, take a breath, invite hp in before I speak sometimes. But with that said.... we aren't perfect. We are lovable though (((hugs))) Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back. We'll be here too. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((hugs))) Thanks for sharing. Keep coming back. We'll be here too. TT