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My boyfriend just went into a rehab facility a week ago. I was allowed to visit him the first weekend after he entered and did. It seemed to go well. His family thinks that I shouldn't go every weekend because he needs to work on his sobriety. He needs to miss me and his family. They don't intend to go.
He asked me if I would come back this coming weekend and I had already said that I would. It's really not a problem for me to visit him if it is good for him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt his process. I don't "need" to go for myself. If it's good for him, I'll go. If it's not, I won't. Please someone with experience in these matters let me know what I should do.
Usually the rehab facility has definite guideline as to visiting time, dates and telephone calls. I would check with his counselor or the main office to determine what the usual expectation are.
I do hope you have found alanon face to face meetings to support yourself as he recovers.
Alanon meetings are held in most communities an the hot line number is in the white pages.
Aloha Mary and welcome to the board...when you go or before you go call and ask them if they have something for the family, spouses and/or friends of the alcoholic where he doesn't get to sit in on it. The rehab I worked in ALWAYS had recovery groups for the family, friends and associates of the client that was exclusive for them. They also had groups with every one involved...I facilitated one that had 79 attendees...what a power station that one was!! LOL...Keep coming back and Betty's suggestion of face to face Al-Anon meetings is right on. (((((hugs)))))
Hi and welcome to MIP. Most rehab facilities have some form of visiting hours and programs for the family members and I, too, would encourage you to call and get guidance directly from them. Then you'll have the facts and be able to feel comfortable with your choices.
I echo the other's encouragement for you to start attending Alanon meetings and to keep coming back to MIP.
Family education time at my AWs inpatient facility did almost as much for me as the inpatient program did for her. I would send encourage you to go to any of those that you can. In fact, the facility require us to go to 2 hours of it if we wanted to visit her. It seemed like a pain at first, bug was worth it.
Thank you all very much. I will be joining the 9pm group tonight and plan to start attending face-to-face meetings when the weather clears up here. He is at a very good facility where they do have family visiting hours and family support groups on the weekend. Representatives from Al-anon were there and there was a spouse/significant other group. I'm just so new to this that I didn't know what to say or what questions to ask. It is a huge learning process. Thank you again.
No problem Mary...we all start at "newbie" or zero and some of us start there having absolutely no idea what in the world is going on. Relax...you're one of us...family. ((((hugs))))
Once you hit the family support group you will have many eye-opening moments. It's truly amazing the amount of hurt and damage that addiction is doing every day to ordinary people :( but you will gain the understanding you will need to move forward.
BTW as far as it being TH right thing to do to visit him, the counselors at the centers probably have an opinion one way or the other on your individual case, you might ask them what they think.
I am glad you found us here at MIP! Al-anon face to face meetings, MIP and the center you are attending for family of alcoholics sounds like a great start! Keep coming back and I am sending you lots of love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
(((Mary)))
Welcome to MIP
Please keep coming back and sharing. There are some truly amazingly kind, and knowledgeable Al anon members here.
It works if you work it!
Much love and support to you!
It's really not a problem for me to visit him if it is good for him. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt his process. I don't "need" to go for myself. If it's good for him, I'll go. If it's not, I won't. Please someone with experience in these matters let me know what I should do.
Noone can give you an answer or make a decision for you but i can at least share a piece of experience that may or may not give you direction .. it took a long time to learn that what's in the alcoholics 'best interest, isn't necessarily what's going to make them 'feel the best .. The alcs and addicts have a higher power of their own who also tries to get their attention. Sometimes we can interferre with that process .. i used to think if things were rough or didn't look good, pain was involved, discomfort, etc .. God wasn't in the picture .. today i get pain is a gift .. i realise even when i try to minimise the amount of pain my own kids go through sometimes, i get in his way .. the truth is if my kids never experience pain and if i am the one protecting them? from having to 'feel the effect of 'their own behavior, they will never have a need for a power greater than me .. coming from a background surrounded by caretakers, it was one of the things that made it harder for me personally to grasp the higher power piece of the program .. i had many .. and i never had to grow or learn from my own experiences or mistakes, etc ..
as for the addict, none of has the power to change another's recovery .. it's one thing to visit and be supportive, but it's ok to not go too .. nothing we do or don't do can truly change the effects of this disease or whether another embraces recovery, but i get where the parants are coming from too wanting their son to feel the need for a better life .. or the lonliness and pain of addiction .. that leads to wanting a better life ..
this is a hard place for you to be .. i do hope you get to those meetings too =) good luck ..
the example that lead to the above was a share of another who mentioned their alcoholic coming home passing out on the floor .. it became a ritual to pick him up walk him upstairs and place him 'comfortably in his bed .. making him 'feel better ... was that really in his ''best interest, he asked himself one day and saw it .. the ''best interest (for the alc) was to let him 'feel the embarrassment of waking up on the floor and the effects of ''his choices .. placing him comfortably in bed, made the parant feel better .. =)
