The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH has finally decided - He wants a divorce. He says his feelings of love for me are coming back but they will never be the same as the day he married me. Tried numerous times to blame mr for the the demise of our relationship (all of which are either completely irrational or completely false).
For the first couple of days I was extremely sad. I have to say I tried to talk him out of it. Asked why he wouldn't go to counseling - he says he just doesn't want too. Ok fine, throw away an 18 year relationship, at least I can say I gave it my all and more. Today I feel relief. I will no longer deal with his mental, verbal and emotional abuse. I will no longer have to deal with the secrets and constant lies and selfishness. I get to move on and have a happy life. I no longer have to deal with his gambling and alcohol addictions. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I have a fear of being alone and the financial burden I will inherit, but the feelings are subsiding little by little. Today I feel good and ready to face a new chapter of my life.
On a sad note, my kids will continue to deal with his behavior. I wish I could take that away from them. My hope is that they will learn to never be like their father. That they will treat family, friends and their spouse better than AH has. They have one stable parent and I will be there for them always.
I'm sooo sorry for your pain .. I completely relate to your post had a similar deal with counseling with him telling me he worked on his marriage .. I did tell him it's hard to work on a relationship when there is a 3rd party involved in my case it wasn't just the alcohol. The first year or so maybe a little longer it was an intense rollercoaster .. I'm an intense person .. LOL .. so not surprising there.
Today I am in a place that two years ago I didn't believe I would ever get to and yes you are right .. knowing I don't have to deal with him and his crazy crap is a good thing. I will tell you based upon my experience and the people around me who have gone through divorce/separation ..usually the A completely disappears out of the children's lives. There are tears, broken promises, things that are said and forgotten, the gas lighting abounds .. (I love that word .. LOL). I would encourage you if it's possible to get the kids into counseling of some kind. I wish I had the time and resources to take the kids to Alateen unfortunately the program is not available here in town. I am lucky that his work covers the kids for yearly visits through EAP (Employee Assistance Program) many companies do offer this and it's a way to at least get some sessions in. I decided to get the kids involved when he did a disappearing act. Lives 7 miles from us, 3 miles from their school and can't see them .. I'm sure it's his disease running the show . it's hard on them. Be very prepared to be a single parent in all that it means .. it's been a blessing for the kids and I. They are doing great and have tools I couldn't have given them to deal with the situation and I am learning to parent in a healthier way as well.
It gets better, .. you are worth it big time! I hope you are attending meetings, sponsor and step work .. makes a huge difference.
Something I have done because my kids are 14, 9 is in the parenting agreement (that he hasn't signed .. he has agreed to .. LOL .. go figure) .. my kids have the right to end visitation. What that basically means without saying it is .. if they feel unsafe, he leaves them for a period of time alone, he's drunk .. they have the right to say ok .. it's time to go and he can't stop them. I wouldn't want to be forced to endure his drunk behavior either .. they should have the same rights to remove themselves. They have acted on that one time and they were able to leave in a very loving way .. he didn't like it and he is punishing them .. at least .. they did what is best for them. It was an awful visitation.
I decided to go for sole legal and physical custody .. mine has a record so I was able to get him to agree quickly on that one.
Just keep coming back .. hugs S :)
-- Edited by SerenityRUS on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 06:45:03 PM
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
It sounds as if you are processing this difficult decision in a healthy manner. Sadness is to be expected and you have not denied that- You have also been able to pick up a positive outlook for yourself and family . Good Work.Your vision of the reality of the situation is expressed with much clarity and honesty.
I do hope you are attending alanon meetings and will be able to increase your attendance at this time. The support , understanding and powerful tools available in the rooms will bring you through this difficult time.
Keep coming back here as well. You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 09:28:49 PM
His responses sound like the disease talking. My exAH said similar things... much easier to blame me and then decidedly not see a way for things to improve. He's feeling sorry for himself.
What a horrible disease! It effects every one it contacts.
Stay strong by sticking close to Alanon. Uncertainty can be scary, but it can also bring wonderful things. It helps me to stay in the moment and take things one day at a time.
I had a huge fear of being alone. Oddly, when I was with my exAH, I was isolated from people and already very much alone. Now when I look around me, there are many good people that are friends.
I'm currently working through my fear of failing finances. Truthfully, being with my exAH was like a daily financial roulette. When I am not financially tied to him, my finances are more stable. Rebuilding is not the easiest thing, but taking this one day at a time, as well.
You are not alone. A divorce isn't easy but then living with an active A is too much for most of us too. Al-anon is such a helpful program you will find all kinds of support and help from people who have lived through what you are living through.
Mongowal....I shared earlier on about a "Day in Al-Anon" we had here the weekend before last and the excited enjoyment I had when an 11 year female was introduced to the room as an Al-Anon member....Alateen had disappeared in Kona and then Alateen is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups and she transitioned and hold her own chair in meetings. That for me was wonderful news as a former 6 year Alateen Sponsor. If you can interest an oldtimer in your home group to become an AMIAS (Al-Anon Member in Alateen Sponsorship)(?) and sponsor a meeting your 14 year old is qualified and your 9 year old when the child becomes 10 although it use to be 12. I've never seen a 10 year old asked to leave a meeting. I've sponsored on two different occasions and it is most important. (((((hugs)))))
Divorce is hard, but living with the A for me was harder on so many levels. I got my kids into counseling with someone who specialized in families of alcoholics and they went for awhile, we do not have al-ateen, but my 15 year old knows where to access a site online when she is ready. You sound good and I am glad you are here. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I found that living with the alcoholic was as bad as living without him. It was the most painful withdrawal.
Take it one day at a time. Alcoholics like drama, there feelings are so numb, they don't even know half the time what they mean. I wouldn't pay attention to what an Alcoholic says, only his actions.
Take it slow. Take care of you. Your higher power will see you thru.
Keep working it.
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Wednesday 22nd of January 2014 08:41:19 PM
