The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am looking for any shred of hope that my husband can stop. I have gotten the wheels in motion to kick him out but i wonder if there's any chance in hell he will really stop this time. Tomorrow is my birthday, he asked what I wanted. I want him to stop drinking and get help. He said he wouldn't ask me for something I didn't want to do for his birthday. Wrong answer, loser. We have two small children and i am scared he will drink while i am at work (over night) although he knows this is an absolute dealbreaker. He adores the kids but if he won't get help for their sake, i feel all is lost.
I want a fresh start. I wish he would just disappear and leave us alone.
My heart goes out to you. Yes some of us do. I'm in AA and have been for almost a year. I wanted it for me that's why it has been working for me. I've added Al anon to my healing path so I can deal with the reasons I started to drink in the first place, growing up with 2 A parents. The Al anon program can help you to deal with his disease by helping you to heal and helps us to accept that we can't change any one but ourselves. I found on one of the post on here a poem about "Letting go" it really helped me well worth reading. Working this program one step at a time one day at a time is working for me. I've never felt this good. Your children and you deserve to feel this great too. Sending you hugs. Hope you have a Happy Birthday with or without him.
To answer your question Yes people do recover. AA is filled with members from all over the world who have found how to live full and productive lives without drinking.
Alcoholism is a progressive , fatal disease over which we are powerless. We did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it.
Your fear , anger and frustration are the result of living with and dealing with this disease. Alanon is a fellowship of members who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. We do understand as few others can and the recovery program that is offered have many members who can attest to the fact that the program has saved their sanity, lives and often marriage.
Face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to check out the time and attend. It is at meetings that I learned to break the isolation caused by the disease, regained my ability to live, laugh, have compassion and , love, . I learned how to act in my own best interest and not to react to every situation. I also regained my self respect and self worth
Please have a Happy Birthday and give the gift of alanon to yourself You are worth it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 06:35:19 PM
In addition to what the others have posted, I would like to add that alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. It is too much for most to handle on their own.
Ultimatums rarely work. I have learned they need to seek help as their decision. In hindsight, I can see that it wasn't a choice of the drinking over me- it was that his disease was that strong at the time.
The program provides the support and new tools and skill sets that help no matter the choice to leave or stay. I was told to give Alanon at least 6 months before making any major decisions, unless there is abuse- where safety always comes first.
he asked what I wanted. I want him to stop drinking and get help. He said he wouldn't ask me for something I didn't want to do for his birthday. Wrong answer, loser. We have two small children and i am scared he will drink while i am at work (over night) although he knows this is an absolute dealbreaker. He adores the kids but if he won't get help for their sake, i feel all is lost.
I want a fresh start. I wish he would just disappear and leave us alone.
many do...many don't....its a lotto....my dear beloved sponsor got a "scare" not long ago...was at a function and there was a lady whom she had had a friendship with but they split and she said she was "tempted" and left the function....she said that she had been slacking on her meets, and that was indication that she needed to get back in the groove..helping me has helped her stay focused on the 12 steps, program, but ya know, they are one slip away from relapse ....she told me it was a wake up call for her to get back more into meetings...and SHES been sober since early 80's.......so some make it, which i think she will....some won't......toss a coin.....the ones who work stringent, dedicated program, w/meets, sponsor, 12 steps work, slogan practice, literature, have a better chance....the ones who go but slack off?? or are otherwise not dedicated 100% to being sober??? they are not a bookmakers's dream.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hugs and welcome, .. there is a wonderful series of books that really shed some light for me .. I really didn't know what I was dealing with .. I thought I did .. really I didn't have a clue. Getting Them Sober Vol 1 is a good place to start and go from there .. very easy reads packed with lots of alanon information and some sharp realities.
Yes, there are success stories .. I'm telling you it's got to be their willingness to work their own program of recovery. Alanon is so important and interestingly enough more so AFTER they get sober. I can't tell you how many people have indicated their sig other got sober and they got worse. After so many years of living with insanity .. I adapted to the insanity .. as an example .. I expressed to one of my best friends .. oh he gets up at 3am and chops wood in the house .. now .. on what level is that ever normal?? It's NOT! I couldn't see it in the moment.
My happily ever after meant we are no longer together .. I'm ok .. I didn't think I would be ok .. that is the wonderful thing about this program .. I have found myself. My kids are doing so much better as well. He's not doing ok and has chosen not to get sober .. that is so his choice which is sad.
keep coming back and I hope you are able to find a f2f meeting in your area .. one of the best quotes around here is .. s/he's going to drink, drug, act out (fill in the blank) or not .. what are YOU going to do? Things have had to get different before they got better .. big giant hugs to you. It gets better regardless.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi and welcome to the family. I don't know the answer to your question for your guy. For mine not yet, but I have learned by attending al-anon face to face meetings, coming here to MIP and working through the steps with my sponsor I can take care of me and get better myself. "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a great book for me when I first came here. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
i went to a meeting and it was just weird. everyone spoke so vaguely, like in code, and i was really uneasy and felt like an intruder. I also have no HP besides myself. The steps just don't ring for me.
Dear Sooverit
Alcoholism is a truly baffling disease. We become isolated from living with the disease. The steps and literature are helpful tools. I have yet to complete the steps but can offer you hope if you keep showing up for yourself. We are unique individuals, each on our own journey. We share (ESH) experiences, strength and hope. You may take what you like and leave the rest. You have shown courage by coming here and I am so glad you are here. I was confused, angry, lost and felt hopeless before finding Al anon. I suggest attending at least 6 face to face meetings. If you still feel uncomfortable you may always find another group. It seems overwhelming at first. I too was skeptical of attending my first Alanon face to face meeting.
You are not alone. Please keep coming back and sharing.
I'm not sure where you live there are or should be other meetings .. if this one didn't with try another one. I too felt out of place .. like there was a clique and I would never fit in. Truth be told it was me and my issues .. it forced me out of my comfort zone and shocked me at the same time. I had to go to 16 meetings before I felt comfortable .. and even then it was and is something I have to make effort in. I'm worth it and so are you. Keep coming back and keep an open mind. Hugs! !
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
One of the things that I had to do when I started with Al Anon was to suspend my version of reality, at least as far as far as it pertained to my son and his addiction issues. This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful - and in my experience, trying to apply any of the reasoning or approaches or coping mechanisms that we've used in other situations is fruitless - and extremely frustrating.
Like others have said, try at least 6 FTF meetings - and try and identify a Sponsor (think of a Sponsor as a guide on your journey) - someone you can relate to that's been a part of Al Anon for a while - try some daily readings and some of the other Al Anon literature - ask questions after meetings - and don't worry about the "higher power" stuff - a HP can be pretty much anything - even your local Al Anon group.
What's also helped me is to begin a reading of the AA "Big Book", Alcoholics Anonymous - I've found it very helpful for insights into what my son's disease has been doing to him and what he must be wrestling with on a daily basis.
And also like others have said - take what ya like and leave the rest.
Welcome and Happy Birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day!
To answer your question, everyday someone gets a little better by practicing a program of recovery. People keep sober in AA and people find a way to focus on their own life rather than their loved ones drinking by attending Alanon. There really aren't any guarantees but there are a lot of daily successes and those can turn into weeks, months and years. Recovery is a very personal journeybetween the person and their god. We're told in Alanon that the best way to be supportive of the alcoholic (and I don't mean supportive of their drinking) is to practice the Alanon program. I hope you'll give it a try. We have meetings at MIP if you don't want to leave the kids. There's lots of loving support here so please keep coming back to learn and grow with us one day at a time. Alanon shows a new way of life. We learn how to live full and happy lives whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
to sooverit : I have done and tried everything possible ..just like most ppl here. Until you find "here" Then you learn you cant control, cure etc.
To answer you (IMO) NOPE ! My councelor even said when I asked him. Nothing will change in your marriage on his side of it , when he changes nothing. I changed ME ... and finally came to the realization. I want to be happy and lose this insane life I have to lose the insane person causing it.
Wow...did I cry (A LOT), still do sometimes ... I love this loser.... lol But its not gonna change. He wants to be a hermit drunk. Ive watched him go down hill long enough.
I can love him for a lifetime, I cant be part of the chaos and I cant break cycle for my kid if I stay in it.
Well, Thats MY bottom line, right or wrong ITS MINE ... thought Id share
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I'm sorry for your heart ache OP - and welcome to MIP.
You have reminded me of a story I heard early on:
A newly sober AA guy meets up with his sponsor and is told "Get your Big book, we're going on a 12th step call to a man's house - he's in real rough shape." When they arrive, they open the door to a one room apartment with nothing in it but a piss filled couch, and the man sitting on it in his underwear with a bottle of cheap whiskey in his hand. The newly sober man looks to his sponsor who is introducing himself and asking if he could help.... to which the man on the couch merely grunts a 'no'. Finally the newly sober man can not take it and jumps in to say "LOOOK MAN! If you do not do SOMETHING about your drinking... you are going to loose ALL OF THIS!"
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I'll tell you what. No human being NOT overtaken by the most god awful disease on this Earth would choose to live like this. That said - it's a real stinker to have no control over the darn thing any more than the person with it.
I loved what people said above - it's not personal. It doesn't discriminate.
One thing I can tell you about my bottom - and I have never said this to a soul. When I had PTSD back in 2001 - I drank to the point of living like this man in this story for almost 6 straight months. I should be dead right now. I ended up in the hospital with toxic shock - and EVEN THAT left me CLUELESS to having the disease of alcoholism. It is simply baffling to think back on that.
About a decade later - I'm back to drinking again after a bout with post partum depression re awakened my genetic predisposition to alcoholism.
It was the day that my husband told me I would loose my children due to my DISEASE - that I (ME) was able to see clearly through my disease for long enough to get myself help. The moment was brief - it took a SHOCK affect to reach me beneath the depths of the illness - but it worked - and I have been restored to sanity as it states in the promises of AA, to the remarkable point spoken of in the big book: "We are neither arrogant or cocky - the drink problem has simply been removed. We react sanely and repel from alcohol as if it were a hot flame."
This unfortunately is not a guarantee of just walking into AA - but this is a PROMISE of the program which states "These promises ALWAYS materialize IF we WORK for them." Not sometimes. Always... but it takes work.
Some of us are lucky enough to WANT to be here in recovery. We "get to be". Others of us 'have to be'. You will see the difference if you look, and know in your heart rather easily when you meet a truly recovering/recovered alcoholic. Well, I know a few hundred, and it seems rather obvious to me ;) This of course is just my take - and my experience. I wish you all the best in YOUR journey.
P.S. My husband also joined alanon shortly there after, and if he had not done this, there is no way I would have been able to stay with HIM! He grew up in a shame filled home and was just as sick as I was. Remarkably - he latched onto the program slowly, but over time it turned out to be a story of living 'happily ever after'. We have both lived lives through the depths of hell, and both dearly appreciate our blessings of today. xxx
-- Edited by Tasha on Saturday 25th of January 2014 09:44:52 PM
I can relate to your post. Yes, people do get better. It's that hope that I hung on to in the roughest times. It was when I realized that I needed to get better as much as my AH did, that I put my focus on my recovery and off of his. That was the hardest thing I did at the time. I also read a lot of books. The Getting Them Sober books were very comforting to me, as was this online community. There were nights where I would sleep with my laptop on next to me so I could read when I woke up stressed and worried ten times in the night.
Anyway, please keep up hope. But try to keep the focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and your children first and the rest will fall into place the way it is supposed to. When I look back at all of the things my kids and I went through, I am amazed we made it through with our sanity intact. The fact of the matter is, we did and we are stronger for it. We often remind ourselves that we know what real problems are...so when the little things start to annoy us, we remember how things can always be worse and we have a lot to be thankful for.
By the way, my AH is in recovery and back with our family. We are not by any means a happily ever after story because we have a lot of financial problems and I still hold a lot of resentment...but I am working on it and trying to keep a calm, peaceful household. I am thankful he is alive and sober. I am thankful he didn't kill anyone during his many inebriated excursions, and I am happy I am a strong woman with two beautiful kids.
