The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We sometimes get a lot of newcomers to these boards and I wanted to start a conversation about how to take the focus off of the alcoholic/addict and put the focus where we need it to be(usually us and/or our children). Many times the question comes up and we all know hard it is to take our eyes off the qualifier.
My AH is back to his old ways. Drinking and riding his bike to get more beer while he's already got a good buzz on. A friend of mine saw him at the store Sat night, she tattled to me that he left on his bike, putting his beer in his backpack. Sigh...I had already known he was drinking again anyway so none of this surprised me. When I got home from the tennis tournament I saw that AH wasn't wearing his wedding ring. I have no idea why. Then I noticed that he packed up a bunch of stuff in his office.
So, my mind went directly into codependent mode: He can't leave me, I was going to be leaving soon. Who the heck does he think he is, not wearing his wedding ring and trotting around the house acting like everything's fine? How dare he take his ring off and not even say a word about it! If he's going to leave me, why doesn't he have the guts to communicate with me about it?
Everybody, see the problem, right? Yeah, I saw it too, of course. So, I changed my focus. I prayed. I talked to my HP(God as I call him). I reminded myself that it's none of my business why he took his ring off and that things will be revealed to me as God desires for me to know them. The saying, "More will be revealed," comes to mind for me. I fumed mentally about it all for a day. And, then it was gone. I went to a meeting, texted my sponsor, went hiking yesterday with a program friend who's struggling with her situation as well, and staying in MY program. Thank you God for personal growth.
Now, am I worried a bit? Of course, but my worries are more about financials, providing for myself and my son if my AH were to up and leave, etc. Trusting in our HP is truly where our human brain needs to let go and we need to let that inner voice guide us toward the answers. Sometimes it's not so easy to do, is it? Progress not perfection. Have a great day, everyone!
It's hard to get newcomers to do that oftentimes. When I look at my first posts, and look at posts a year later, they are very different. When I first posted, I was kinda ready to hear that the focus should be put on me, but I wasn't really ready to do it. Or didn't have that 'ah ha' moment when everything that you know finally turns upside down and it all makes sense to never trust your qualifier, even though they are the person that you vowed to always trust, or you should always trust because they are your child, etc.
I assume that's why they say 90 meetings in 90 days. That should be enough for people to get that inspiration and hear enough stories and compare them enough to their own that they really get convinced.
So I think it's a process. We can give them loads of info the first time they log in, but they may not be ready to hear it. So we just keep giving it to them in as much as they can take, and usually a bit more, and that's where they take some and leave the rest.
I wish it could be some other way. But we are just like the qualifier. I'm willing to bet nobody on this board has ever gone up to their qualifier and said 'you need to recover and get into inpatient' and had it happened first thing. Same deal with us.
Good luck with AH. Sounds like you are working the program, keep it up!
You did the right thing even though you would think because it's your spouse he should at least tell you something. What was all this time for ....this marriage. When I think I should leave which I can, would but me on a tight budget but in your case with no job it's hard and it's scary. I'm sure he will have to provide support but still.
Your in my prayers that God will show you soon what's going on because it's not easy being in the dark.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
For me I would have to say in the beginning I focused on myself in tiny increments of time, a minute, a half hour the next week,that made it manageable...one day at a time... and now I try to keep the focus on myself as much as possible..unless someone is asking for help, they really need it and I won't be enabling them. Acting as if, really worked for me...and the progress not perfection. I will never be perfect but I can be good enough for me. Tradition seven means a lot to me as well...being fully self supporting declining outside contributions. Taking care of myself as much as possible and doing what I can do for myself, but being humble enough to ask for help if I need it. Prayer, the rooms, the angels of the program, opening up my ears and listening to everyone and dropping my arrogant ego behind me :) and letting my hp take the reigns.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I really bless whatever comes from the newcomers. I began like them, too. I now see there's another way - but I can see that only from the distance of work in program. I am grateful for that, too. By focusing on the steps and input during meetings, I "came to". They'll benefit, too.
I also noticed that when I started mentally focusing on what he was doing (not coming to tennis tournaments for our son, not wearing his wedding ring, drinking and biking drunk, etc), I left my program. I was really focused on working my 9th step these past few weeks and I was in regular communication with my sponsor, etc. Then, I let myself get derailed by HIS actions/inactions. So, where did that get ME? Nowhere. I have to take the mental energy and truly disengage so that I can focus back on my program. I see it as protecting all that I've been working for. I can't change what he does or doesn't do, I can only wait to see what HP's plan is for us at this point.
I just wanted to start this thread so that newcomers know they are not alone and that there is hope if you work the program!
(((Ilovedogs)))) I understand and struggle with keeping the focus on myself too. It's practice and then more practice. Thankfully, there are no limits and we can start over as many times as we like.
It is easy to go down that rabbit hole, why isn't my A, why did my A, etc, etc, etc. Putting the focus back on me allows me to move forward.
Currently my slogan of choice is nothing changes if nothing changes. I've spent a lot of time working on me, so that I know the next right steps for me, and I wouldn't have reached this place without my program!
When I think I should leave which I can, would but me on a tight budget but in your case with no job it's hard and it's scary. I'm sure he will have to provide support but still.