The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have no clue if this is the right forum to just post something like this, but I really need some words of support/advice. New member as of 3 minutes ago. I am actually an alcoholic myself. This might not sound like acceptable rational to some, but the reason I am writing is that my fiance (boyfriend of 18 years) is a worse alcoholic (let's not debate this part, just trust me and my definition for the moment is that his abuse controls most moments of our waking life. I cannot stop drinking wine at present, but the functioning nature of my personality is not a source of immediate emergency or should I say, we need to focus on him right NOW - ashamed to say I cannot quit drinking to help this, but I just cannot right now). These are the details and they make things pretty difficult:
like I said, I am also an alcoholic - functioning, as if that makes it much better
we are charter crew (2 crew team of husband and wife) who host guests on our boat in the Caribbean (we provide drinking vacations in the drinking capital of world).
There is an AA meeting once a week, which we can never make and no al-anon
we work and live on a boat. we never leave each others sight
we have no family or friends here who are not "co-workers"
we've worked here for going on 10 years at this job. we have quit so we can go home and get help. but we have a month more to go
but now he is threatening to leave me as he said he just wants to be left alone
need advice on
couple alcoholics
when they have driven you to do crazy irrational things
when you really cannot bare to turn to anyone about it
when they threaten to leave you
-- Edited by LWI on Tuesday 21st of January 2014 06:13:51 AM
Lwi Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am glad that you reached out, shared your concerns honestly and presented questions that you find you need answers to.
The AMA recognizes alcoholism as a progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who live with the problem of alcoholism develop many negative coping tools that allow us to maintain the relationship in an attempt to find help for the alcoholic.
Al-Anon is a fellowship of people who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. We understand the extent people go to try to solve an insoluble problem. Al-Alanon recovery teaches us to focus our attention and concern on ourselves as we are the only ones we can save. The only requirement for membership in alanon is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.
If you too are experiencing difficulty with drinking, the Al-Anon program might not make much sense to you. AA is a fellowship of people who find they cannot stop drinking and share their experience strength and hope in order to maintain their sobriety. There is no rule that says you cannot attend both groups and in fact there are many members who do. The hotline numbers for the Al-Anon and AA meetings are listed in the white pages of the telephone directory. I urge you to reach out find the schedule and attend.
It is at these meetings that I learned constructive, powerful tools to live by. You deserve to develop these tools yourself.
Keep coming back there is hope and you are worth it
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 20th of January 2014 09:28:10 PM
groups vary a bit- made up of men and women who are just trying to do their best. I have a home group in another part of the world. What I say for the group I am in- you are always welcome to our Alanon group, so long as you are not drunk at the time.
Alcoholism is an illness, a dangerous illness. it does get worse. And it is even worse for the SO, the significant other in that person's life.
Not sure what the feel of this forum is, but I have just given my opinion... that is all I can do...
Hi and welcome to MIP. Hotrod's post provides good information. The people that I know that attend AA and Alanon have told me that their life depends on AA and is a priority of the two programs. MIP has AA and Alanon online meetings, but I would encourage making time for face to face meeting attendance as it provides a strong support.
The situations you describe are also common in relationships where one does not have difficulty with alcohol and the other does. Living with someone who has the disease of alcoholism is much too much for most of us to handle alone. This is a progressive disease that affects everyone within contact, and, left untreated ( a program for those without difficulty with alcohol, and, abstinence and a program, for those who do have difficulty with alcohol) results in insanity and death. Alanon is a program that provides a safe place to share, learn, and develop new perspectives and skills that provide healthier thoughts and actions. Working the steps with a sponsor or talking situations out with other members is what is favored over advice.
Some things that come to mind regarding your fiance are the 3 Cs: we didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. Step one is acceptance that we are powerless over the disease. ... but there is so much more!
I'm glad you have found us. I understand that in your situation it is hard to make it to meetings. There are meetings online here, which helps when you're in a remote location. But it sounds as if you don't have much privacy to do that.
In the long run, as I'm sure you understand, it won't be possible to live a balanced, happy life until you achieve sobriety and work a program of recovery. As I understand it, you're suggesting that that's not going to be possible under these chaotic conditions, and my experience suggests that that's entirely right.
But meanwhile your boyfriend is abusive and now is threatening to leave. So the question you have is, I would guess, "How do I get through this next month, until I can get to a place where I can begin recovery, without everything falling apart?"
There are really two parts of this question. One is about the external world falling apart -- your boyfriend leaving, perhaps, and/or one of the trips falling apart because he's leaving, or not starting because he's leaving, or you both being thrown out because of something like that.
I think we here on the boards have all found that no one, alcoholics or those who love alcoholics, start recovery until things have gotten intolerably bad. There is generally a crisis, either a quick or or one that lasts months or years. Until then we are desperately trying to keep it all hanging together. So ... things may fall apart. He may leave. One of the trips may fall apart. All of the above. That leads to the second part:
The second question would be "How do I get through the next part of things without falling apart inside?" This was the part I was always worried about. The reason I worried about external things falling apart was that I was afraid it would make me fall apart inside.
The way to handle that danger is to get support and to learn to use the tools of AA and Al-Anon. Drinking may look like a way to blot it out, as I'm sure you know, but what it actually does is make things worse. Then it gets into a vicious cycle.
I don't know what kind of recovery program you have waiting for you at the end of your month -- rehab? A place to stay while you go to AA? A hospital? I don't know if you need medical care for detoxing or if you just need support and a program. You no doubt have a better sense. I'd get all those things that you need waiting for you as best you can. It's like knowing a typhoon is coming -- you'll need the right preparations to get through it, but those resources are there. Thousands, millions of people have made it through.
I hope you'll keep coming back. This really is a place where miracles happen, and there really is hope.
You've had some good advice so I just wanted to add my own welcome for you as well. This is a great place to learn and listen as well as to speak out and ask questions. There is a lot of experience and wisdom here!
A phrase in your post stood out for me so I hope you don't mind if I share a little bit of my own story? It may not be relevant to your circumstances but you got me thinking.
AH did everything he possibly could to stay with his drinking - including pushing me out of his life (despite our having had a pretty good relationship for nearly 30 years). I was incredibly stubborn and did my best to ignore him!! But it hurt like heck at the time and nearly drove me mad. I certainly took it personally and kept wondering what I was doing wrong.
Finally I gave up fighting to save us and started to save myself. With hindsight, I think that the addiction was throwing an enormous hissy fit, behaving like an abandoned child when it saw the potential for recovery looming on the horizon. I think it was my husbands responsibility to decide what he wanted to do about that though. All I could do was decide how I wanted to live my life. In the end that shift in my focus made a huge and positive difference for both of us. (AH not drinking; me not crying every night!!)
I hope that you will take good care of yourself and enjoy planning your next steps. I think that it will be great to have you on board here at MIP!
This pretty much matched my story. I was in a horrible double drunk relationship and my partner was "worse" in many ways than me. For me, I had to focus on my own alcholism first. Change began with me and that was the most dysfunctional aspect about me...Just based on me - I'm not sure i could have grasped alanon principles the way that benefitted me most if I hadn't been sober first.
Having had time to reflect on this "which program" thing. I also know some help is better than none. The steps are largely the same and it does not seem like you are in denial. You can always try out both AA and alanon and go from there.
