The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new - finally got AH to agree to counseling as he finally heard I was done with him. So far he is saying all the right things to counselor and has even been sober a week. He thinks everything is fine now, we can't bring up the past even though he doesn't recall many of things he's done. I hope he has realized his drinking is a problem time will tell. How do I get past what a selfish jerk he's been and all the times he neglected me and our kids. The last few months were so bad I didn't even feel anger or sadness anymore, really felt nothing. Is it possible to "forgive and forget" when you've been treated so badly??
Kerrymom Welcome to MIP To answer your question, "Yes" it is possible to forgive the insanity that you have lived with and to start anew with love, wisdom, empathy and compassion. It is not easy, but by attending alanon face to face meetings, breaking the isolation caused by this disease, working the steps of the program, getting a sponsor, keeping the focus on yourself, living one day at a time you will find the serenity, courage and wisdom to live and thrive.
When my husband first found sobriety, he told me that he could not remember the last 2 years of our marriage. He never regained that memory I remembered all of those painful years. So glad that I found alanon . It is here that i learned how to let go of the pain and anger that I held so deep within
Alanon is a fellowship of members who have lived with the disease of alcoholism We believe that alcoholism is a progressive fatal disease over which we re powerless. We accept that we did not cause it, cannot control it and cannot cure it The best we can do is find help for ourselves and recover our self esteem.
Alanon face to face meetings schedule can be found in the white pages. Keep coming back here as well It works and there is help.
You can forgive. It is hard, believe me, but it is up to you. Nobody can do it for you and nobody can make you.
I am in the process of forgiving my AW, she has been drinking for a couple years and doesn't remember much of it. Except what the officers tell her when she got her two DUIs. She is in recovery now, for over 60 days so far.
I have been going to Alanon meetings where there are people who understand at I have been going through. Venting to my AW just increases her shame, so i vent here and at Alanon, and with the tools I am slowly acquiring i expect to have to vent less and less.
Good people are here who are willing to listen and share. Keep coming back!
Aloha Kerry...come sit with us in the face to face Al-Anon Family Groups meeting rooms. The hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Also keep coming back here to read and learn what others who know what you have and are still going thru talk it out and read. ((((hugs))))
All cannot be erased, I think you can find forgiveness in your heart, even if you do it for yourself because the anger over things is too much negativity to hang on to eventually you have to let go of it or stay bitter. You can't realistically forget all this stuff after a week, my goodness that would be hard even if you were a saint. Eventually it stops hurting so much, I am not entirely there yet but working on it every day. Hugs to you and welcome, this site is wonderful and full of love and support and wise people. Hugs.
Yes, it's possible to overcome what's happened, given time, patience, support, and some new skill sets. Attend face to face meetings, read and learn all you can about alcoholism, post here and read other posts, and keep coming back. When I came to Alanon, I was told not to make any major decisions for 6 months as I gave the program a chance.
One other thing: keep your expectations of your husband low. You said he is working with a counselor. Is that all the support he is getting? Moving on from alcoholism takes a tremendous amount of support from a community, it would help him tremendously to go to AA, but you can't force him to go.
If he relapses, you will be back at square one without support yourself. Alanon will be able to help with that too!
I believe that forgiveness is possible if I can detach myself and remove my heart and spirit from the grip of another's abusive behavior. But I found I could only do this if I use all the tools Al-Anon helped me put in my toolbox.
Forgetting an injury however deprives me of one my survival skills. If I forget that the stove is hot I will continue to get burned and someday I might not be able to survive it. This doesn't mean I retain anger, bitterness or resentment about the A or his/her behavior. It means I learn to let go of the injury while remembering what it taught me.
It took me a long, long period of time to forgive and sometimes I have to go back and do it all over again. The actions of others beyond my control took away the life my HP wanted me to have. My HP wishes me love and peace always. But the world is broken and does not always allow me to remember that I am precious child of God, worthy of love, respect and regard. Sometimes I have a subterranean self-esteem. Al-Anon taught me I am worthy of a miracle happening within my mind, soul, body and life. That I deserve to have my needs met.
The love, kindness and support of Al-Anon is sometimes all I have to keep my head above water. In the meeting rooms I find strength to face myself. Courage is not being unafraid. It is fear that has said its prayers. Keep coming back. You will find through the experience, strength and hope of all of us in Al-anon that you can find peace and even happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
I remembered all of those painful years. So glad that I found alanon . It is here that i learned how to let go of the pain and anger that I held so deep within