The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I heard a lady share in a meeting the other night that she had tried to "help" a friend by giving advice and the friend said she had to hang up the phone and would call right back...the lady's friend never called back.
the lady went on to say she then decided she'd call the friend herself but the friend didn't answer the phone
the next day she called the friend again to apologize for giving advice and only got an answering machine and never a return call either
this reminds me of something I have learned the hard way...instead of fixing what's already broken, back off and leave well enough alone
the feelings that happen when we don't hear back from someone are very uncomfortable but that's an opportunity to pray and get out the pen and look for our part...we'll grow.
i was a huge fixer so I identify
today I believe I am better at not setting the whole problem in motion by giving advice
I can also sit with what feels like rejection
i also don't have to be the one to reject last...that's just relief and there's no growth in relief, we'll keep repeating it until the discomfort is sat with
having a true spiritual purpose and sponsoring people also helps me keep my eyes on God instead of others' problems
I too am experiencing rejection. I am powerless! Thank you for this reminder to practice Al-Anon in all my affairs - because I am the common element in all my affairs and it is I who needs the help it provides.
Im not very good at leaving well enough alone. I want to fix and I can at times be a bad listener, jumping in with my own perspective. When I put my mind to it and really listen without advice it can be amazing to see people come up with their own solutions. For me, its my own anxiety or discomfort, I can feel the persons pain too much and it can make me rush in with answers, well my answers. Detachment is the tool I need to practice.x
Okay I'm gonna do that today. Keep my advise in the box and my compassion and acceptance in my tool belt. Lets see how it goes. ((((hugs))))
This is exactly why I try so hard (fail at times) but to keep the focus on ME..what I did...what was MY experience and strength and hope......and I also use my "disclaimer" take what you can use and leave the rest......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I just remember not understanding why people didn't like this. Then I realized the truth is I was selfish (I wanted to control), I was dishonest (I was saying they didn't have the ability to achieve for themselves, they didn't have their own HP, I was playing God), I was self-seeking (I kept pushing and ended up resentful) and afraid (of having no control )
This is human stuff, I don't judge myself for it, I just wanted to recover
Also most important God is my Source of worth,
I don't need to fix or control anyone and He is in that beautiful
Silence which is Truth when I say nothing I am most helpful
The silence is uncomfortable for me and sometimes others but actually people remember the Power of that...they are attracted to it...Spiritual Attraction
Alanon's principle of not giving advice is a powerful tool in my tool box. Merely sharing my ESH and offering a program tool is the the most loving, respectful action I can take when supporting another.
Thanks for the topic
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 19th of January 2014 09:15:16 PM
So true. The friend's reaction sounds self-protective -- but it still worries me a little. It would have been more straightforward to say, "I'm not really looking for advice right now, thanks ... really, I'm not, and if you keep telling me what to do I'll have to go." I'm just hoping nothing happened to the friend like a burglar breaking in or something. I'm hoping she was just kind of evasive and has not had anything happen to her.
I have to remember that most people aren't doing the work in recovery so my expectations of them acting the way I want (even IN recovery lol) set me up for resentment
However Yes, if someone does that to me I can just say I'll take that into consideration, or I can say nothing where they should have!!
Alanon taught me that.
My first Alanon meeting I was jibber jabbying away about everything I knew and also being way too hard on myself...this Alanon lady was sitting next to me and she just said nothing. She was definitely not judging me either.
This is such a great point and thread topic. Thank you for just pointing out that most of the rest of the world is not in any kind of program or recovery. So expecting them to be making constant improvements is just setting me up for frustration. I had not thought about it like that before.
I also wonder if the pool of healthy people to play with is actually tiny.
