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I did it, after listening to his ranting and blaming and all the nonsensical stuff and hearing how I place him on the priority list lower than a pack of sugar I just couldn't do it anymore. I told him I was done. I am a little freaked out but frankly I can't take this anymore anyway being attacked like this constantly. He just blames and attacks and its all my fault. Well enough I have had enough of being the focus of his anger. I just need to stay focused on healing now. He just kept ranting how I am not there I said fine I will come out now and bring you some coffee. Well no I don't want that. Then I lost it and said I am done and hung up. At least I know and have taken my life back. It will always be my fault too. Always. Anyway sorry I just need to get this out. I am so tired of the threats the poor me the blame yes I had a part in this but he will always be the victim. Always. I need to say some prayers and start healing. I have therapy tomorrow thank God. Sorry if this makes no sense I have just had it.
It makes perfect sense to me. My ex always needed someone to blame always. He had vendettas with people his whole life. His mother, neighbours, friends he fell out with, constantly. In the home there was always someone to blame for the day to day stuff. I think its denial. Its like I feel bad, uncomfortable, sad and I need someone to blame it on because if I dont have someone then I might have to look at what im doing that could be the reason and that may mean looking inside and thats just way too scary. So lets have another drink and you can take the blame. I never knew how simple it all was whike living without alanon so I would take the blame, I always felt sorry for him, poor soul that the world actually hates, I was just as much in the denial as he was. Im such a grateful member and im so glad I can see the truth, keep working your program, it will free you from these chains.x
I understand although it is my son's disease that likes to blame him and blame me for itself. Please remember, the disease listens to what you do and not what you say. Sending you lots of support, encouragement and understanding as you work the steps, stay in program, focus on yourself and let your HP lead you on the road of recovery. (((M)))
I understand your frustration and your pain. You took a courageous step in expressing exactly how you felt. Please remember that you are not alone and that Al-Anon tools such as meetings, sponsor , the steps and daily readings will help you to find yourself and better way.
I have a headache from this crazytime I could only imagine what he will tell everyone, she was so awful to me placed me lower than a packet of sugar wah wah poor me victim me. Grrr. I wonder if he thinks he is higher than a packet of salt or where he ranks in comparison to a ketchup packet. I need to stick to my guns and heal from this crazy crazy crazymaking.
That sounds exactly like where I was at when I was at the jumping off point. MM, most relationships stand little chance of healing when they reach the point you are describing. I recall studying in marital and family counseling that there is a 94 percent divorce rate when one or both members of a couple are exhibiting contempt (Gottman is the researcher by the way - you can google it).
For me, when it became a giant blame game with my Ex-A and it was littered with name calling and attempts to hurt each other's feelings...that was the nail in the coffin. I absorbed a lot of his contempt...calling my family names, calling me names... Then I blew up at him several times verbally....then I detached and left soon thereafter.
As an aside, I know how hurtful it is to be told where your heart is for someone - The whole "You don't care about me!" and "You don't support me!!" was one of the most hurtful things because who would stick around for that junk if they didn't care or weren't supportive right? The pack of sugar comment....it made me roll my eyes cuz I've heard similar. As if you call up sugar packets to be told what an awful person you are. You were doing that for him though. That alone shows how hard you were trying and that the relationship was a priority.
It was comforting to me to know that my higher power wanted me to be happy and if the relationship was not adding to my happiness, or actually wrecking it....it was okay with my HP to let it go when the time was right.
Now I have an image of you playing that game on The Price Is Right were you rank the groceries in order from least expensive to most expensive lol
I already know what ABF will say about me, what his mother, brother are already saying about me (now that I am not being his loving nursey) but I try to tell myself, that's what they need to do to cope with the really sad delusion they are living in. To him, now that he is so deep in his sickness, I think maybe I am just a character in his persecution fantasy. I don't think he even knows ME anymore so what he thinks of me really doesn't matter.
Once, he woke up from a dream that I had cheated on him and he was really angry all day telling me how nasty I was to him, I'm starting to realise that it's pretty much always like that.
There's no reality to it. You know that, we know that and HP knows that.
I can't remember how the saying goes exactly but something like "when a crazy person thinks you are crazy, you know you are pretty sane".
And Melly, you always make me laugh. You probably can't hear though being you might have your earmuffs on. You are right, whatever he tells everyone else is not my concern I only have to worry about what I think about myself.
Good for you ((mm830)) good for you! I'm sure most on this forum are getting to where you are, are there, or have been where you are today and understand EXACTLY how exasperating the blaming and poor me dialogue can be. I recall the last big argument we had when it was said, "the way you treat me no wonder I drink"... I spun on my heal and pointed my finger, "you may very well blame a lot of things on me, I don't deny my part, but don't you EVER say that again, I will not take responsibility, your drinking belongs to YOU" I left the room and hyperventilated and truly thought I was having a coronary. That day I decided, this has got to stop, I too was DONE. Shortly after that had a heart to heart from a loving place and outlined my plan to start working on me. He could do what he wanted, I was going to be okay regardless. So, deep breath- know you are not alone!
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Nothing has changed but my attitude, everything has changed.
I can so relate and I would get the lecture about how bad I am to him, even though I was walking on eggshells afraid to say anything let alone breathe. And it just got to be too much! I am so glad you are taking care of you! Sending you soo much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((MM)) you showed so much strength.stepping up, reclaiming yourself, recognizing a boundary of yours. GOOD FOR YOU, I CHEAR FOR YOU. Now I wish you the strength and patience to stay with yourselfeveryday is not an easy day, but it's beautiful when we learn to love ourselves more. in support
(((MM))) The inventory process of our program was soooo important for me because I got to know myself very well and when was faced with the blame from my alcoholic/addict or even someone else accusing me or my actions from inside of their pain I was able to simply say "Thats not true" calmly or "You're wrong" calmly and then...walk away. When I knew the truth about myself the blame game stopped working and I stopped participating. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry. Minus the walking calmly away which I did not do, I know I did nothing wrong to warrant the attacking. I said I was done because I have just had enough, now I need to find a way forward which I know will reveal itself. For now I have a bad headache another sign this has not been healthy for me. Thanks for having my back.
you make good sense to me....lived it...left it.....it appears to me you have reached a turning point....if it continues and you continue to grow, he will lose you..phyiscally and emotionally or just emotionally!!!! I always tell folks that not to worry, keep working program and they will know what to do..when to do it....either way, you will be so detached and into your own life, nothing he does will matter...you won't care....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
(((MM))) The inventory process of our program was soooo important for me because I got to know myself very well and when was faced with the blame from my alcoholic/addict or even someone else accusing me or my actions from inside of their pain I was able to simply say "Thats not true" calmly or "You're wrong" calmly and then...walk away. When I knew the truth about myself the blame game stopped working and I stopped participating. ((((hugs))))
oh yea, Jerry, isn't it great when you reach that point???? I did it w/my former (cut out of my life) sister...she blamed me for the abuse...blamed me for all the wrongs in the family....I no longer buy into it....there is no tug o war if I do not pick up the rope
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am getting to this point myself, even though my heart doesn't want to....every other part of my body is screaming at me to do the right thing. My AH is in rehab and wants to get out early and called with a long list of tasks for me to do for him......call here, do this, gets prices for airfare..... I said NO. I posted earlier and then went to you tube to seal my resolve. I kept playing two music videos (over and over) :
Sara Bareilles: Brave
Katy Perry: Roar
I have to concentrate on me and how I can be strong and firm. I can't be a waffle anymore, I was drowning in the goopy sticky syrup!!!!
Watch those two videos, they are inspiring............. and today you showed how "big your BRAVE is!!!".
P.S. Melly, my AH had the same dream about me except I was with 10 men!! So I guess he was 10 times madder at me........ WOW I never knew I was so popular. ;P
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You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. (Dr. Suess)
Such a difficult decision...it takes tremendous courage and you will need to be brave in the days to come. Just remember 1 day at a time...you only have to chose what you are going to do THAT day. Good for you mm! Somebody has to stick up for you and it turns out it was you sticking up for yourself!!!!
Sis it is sooooo important to hear your own voice say that out loud (not like a screaming thing just out loud). When I heard myself say it I knew I was standing up for myself which I had not done so well with in the past. I needed more experience standing up for the person I was. No one else was doing it and it was my responsibility. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks all, I am sure to have an interesting therapy session tomorrow, and I know this is so wrong but I keep giggling at that packet of sugar taking priority over his demands, talk about feeling sorry for yourself. I feel pretty good for now, on the scale of salt packet is the lowest to sugar packets the highest I am about 90% which would probably be soy sauce or maybe ketchup. I'll take it. Side note, HP please don't strike me with a lightning bolt for poking fun at this, I know its not funny he is probably coming from a place of pain but I don't want to be the target of it anymore.
Greetings MM830, it is so wonderful to hear your strength and humour in these posts (I think that HP probably has an awesome sense of humour - laughter is always a positive gift I think!).
It was a huge eye opener for me when I came to MIP and discovered that other As had the exact same script as my AH. I'm sorry that others have also been going through the hurt of believing that 'they were not there' for someone etc (that was the comment that hurt me the most) but I am also so grateful that they shared those phrases here because now when I hear them I just hear the disease talking.
I'm so pleased that you are moving away from all that and, as Jerry says, standing up for yourself. Well done.
I understand, too. I have reached that point, as well. I am not leaving.....YET. I think my HP has further plans for me here or maybe there's some unfinished business I am not yet aware of, but I have been drawn by my inner guidance of HP to stay. And, it's a challenge at best. I love what everyone has shared here and found some of it amusing. I certainly needed a laugh today.
My AH used to say that I loved everything above him: sugar, cooking, the dog, our son, etc. He still thinks I'm cheating on him and this isn't from a dream, it's truly what he believes. What's even sadder for us is that his accusations and crazy stuff come out when he's sober. Just goes to show that the disease of alcoholism isn't just arrested by quitting drinking; it takes a true spiritual recovery.
Hugs and support to you!! (OK, for some reason I first typed 'hugs and supper' to you, LOL)
