The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Wow. Since I have stopped engaging with ABF or RSVPing to the multiple argument- invitations he sends me each day, I've had a great chance to stand back and watch my own internal reactions to the drama-factory.
What triggered me, originally, to reach out for help was my first ever bout of serious panic attacks. Heart palpitations, numb hands and feet, gasping for breath...and they were all triggered by arguments with ABF. It was obvious and I thought to myself..."OMG I'm literally making myself sick and the stress is going to kill me if I don't do something about it" Some months later, here I am soaking up the wisdom of you good people and I am palpitation free and feeling better than I have, literally, ever. Those heart palpitations were a big terrifying gift, it turns out.
But the physical reaction is still there. As soon as ABF raises his voice or expresses his displeasure or starts to pick a fight I immediately feel my pulse race, I feel dizzy, I lose my appetite instantly if I am eating or making food, and suddenly I want a cigarette real, real bad. I'm still having the same kinds of reactions but instead of falling apart, or arguing/yelling back, I take myself away from him, and I have a little talk with myself, with HP and with nature if it's nearbye. And I occupy myself for a time, maybe 20 minutes, with something "fun" like reading something funny, watching a few you-tube clips that friends have posted on facebook, or basically anything that takes my mind away from it and brings me some smiles while I wait for my body to stop trying to decide between fighting or fleeing and instead goes back to what it's meant to do. I'm getting good at it.
But it perseveres, multiple times every day. I wonder if it will ever go away? I wonder if anyone here knows what I am talking about? It happened just before. He pulled one of his pizza-bases from the fridge and slammed his hand on the counter, "(expletive) It's got MOULD on it".
Bang. Heart racing, head swimming, felt like I was going to pass out. Why? It's absolutely nothing to do with me if his pizza base is mouldy. I did the logical thing...I said, sincerely, "Oh no, what a waste, that sux babe". Walked away, drank some water, ignored his hissing and swearing, and read on here for a bit. 1/2 an hour later my stomach is still churning. Now any normal person might be angry to find the food they were about to eat has spoiled. They might even swear and stomp about for a bit. Even I might react like that. In fact sometimes I do. Everyone throws the occasional mini-tanty.
Why do I react to the slightest negative vibe from him with such panic? I feel like my body is betraying me. My head and my heart are working so hard to detach, build myself up, do the next right thing...but my nervous system seems to want me to spend my life in a huge neurotic spaz-attack. Grrrrr!
According to Elizabeth Kubler Ross, we have have two natural fears at birth. The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. All the rest are taught. To me, anybody raising their voice or slamming things is an irritant that the body itself recoils to and lets us know is not preferred. 30 minutes following the noise may be the time it takes for your body to naturally calm itself because this isn't something that has happened or does happen infrequently? Our bodies are so sensitive according to research I did many years ago, even skin "screams" in its way. I don't know that we over get over that if it is, as Dr Ross suggests, an inborn fear.
Perhaps I ought wear ear-muffs or headphones at all times then lol.
What an interesting experiment tho, I might try it out for an evening and see if I feel the same way if I can SEE him being unhappy or angry but not HEAR it? I'll just plug myself into my ipod and tell him I'm listening to uni-lectures or something.
I wonder?
Melly, im the same with people who have abused me, I thought it might be post traumatic stress and I did a bit of searching for it. I was sent an excellent article that may help called toxic people, I posted it on here a while back, you can find it from my old posts in my profile page. Im using my tablet or I would paste it here for you. It helped me understand my physical reaction to certain people in my life.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 19th of January 2014 07:46:51 AM
Wouldn't hurt to try it, Mell. In my large family, noise and chaos often reigned supreme at times. Loud noises disturbed me, but I couldn't turn the family off. I would hum to myself or I would get lost in the pages of a book and get swept away by the story which would minimize the noise. Those were two of the ways my intuitive nature helped me muffle the sounds that irritated my person.
I found it, el-cee.
I couldn't find it in your member posts and then I saw the "Search" button and tried "toxic people" and there it was...so there's a new skill too!
That makes a lot of sense, that no amount of forcing myself to stand strong in his company will take the reaction away. Of course I react to him with fear; he has given me every reason to. Feeling guilty or silly because of it is not doing me any good at all.
Thanks, that was really helpful!!
You have received great responses so far. When we stopped reacting begin to focus on ourselves that is when we see/hear the inner voices that drive us. With that knowledge I keep the focus on myself and use the tools to stop inner destructive messages. Repeating a slogan like: let go and let God, how important is it keep it simple helped me to drown out my negative voices so that clear higher power voice could be heard.
Please continue to keep the focus on yourself, share, use the slogans when feeling fearful or filled with anxiety, or come here and post. All these tools have been designed to remove the negative and allow your true self to surface. You will be surprised at the courage, serenity and wisdom that are within
Great share
--
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 19th of January 2014 10:18:36 PM
Melly - just a guess but you asked why... I am thinking it's because you know he has the propensity for violence even though it's not been happening directly to you for a while. Also, you never know with him 1. When the tantrum will end and/or 2. If anything you say or do will make it better or worse. Hence, there is what is called "learned helplessness" and that is what produces what you are describing. It's kind of like being a rat in a shock cage knowing you will get shocked no matter what you do... The rat just lays down and starts trembling basically in that circumstance. You can only adapt to learned helplessness but so much... (and I'm not saying you are helpless - but you are powerless over him as you know).
It's kind of ironic in a sad way because I know the title of your post is "over-reacting" but who is the one really over-reacting here? How much do you expect yourself to not "overreact to someone else's overreacting?" That's a cunnundrum. Be gentle with yourself Melly.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 19th of January 2014 09:35:29 AM
That's true Pink, after i read that I had an image of myself in the future as one of those completely crazy old women who stand next to their insane drunk ranting husband and stare off into the distance and smile and murmer something about making a nice lamb casserole for supper....lol. Is that what I am aiming for?
He really isn't getting any less crazy, all that has changed is me. I've learnt that I can be happy, and live a peaceful life (and that peaceful actually isn't boring!)
He is as sick as ever. In some ways it is a relief to realise this because, I do feel guilty for thinking it, but...if he suddenly woke up and found recovery and had a huge spiritual awakening and mended his ways for good, could I forgive him? Would I want to? Could I entertain the notion of forgetting the past and having a bright future with him? It's doubtful. I don't think I want it enough to put in any effort, to be honest. So what is left are the hard, inconvenient, stressful decisions that make me want to stick my head under the pillow and my fingers in my ears. Its not much good living with someone when I feel physically sick when they are just being themselves. Acting like "housemates" isn't going to work for me forever. I knew that from the beginning although it has worked out OK in the short term.
I did have a thought that surprised me earlier. I was letting my mind run on a bit with lots of positive thoughts and affirmations and I thought...now even though I can't, if I could wish just one thing for HIM, what would it be?
My answer wasn't what I expected myself to think (I wish he'd wake up and be very very sorry etc) but that I wish he could stop hating himself and discover all of the wonderful things that I have been discovering- that he didn't deserve the violence and drama he grew up with, he doesn't deserve to constantly attack and destroy himself and everything good in his life, and that he's actually a smart, funny and worthwhile human being. Interestingly I didn't see myself in the picture with him at all, just he by himself, receiving some grace and some healing. It was nice to wish that for him. he probably can't achieve that with me in the picture reminding him just by being here, that he has done so many freaking awful things to me. Just like obviously I can't forget or function as a fear-free and joyful individual around him.
Sad, but it is what it is. It makes my heart ache a little, but not as much as it once did.
Thanks all. I learn SO much by talking with you here.
I can relate Melly, my ex has been gone from my life for quite a while now once I disentangled my life from his and quit letting him draw me back in. I received an email from him recently and seeing his name in my email inbox made my heart race and filled me with dread. When I occasion to think back on past events, or when something brings them to mind, I experience physical discomfort, emotional distress and my heart rate elevates. I move his emails to a different folder, keeping them in case I need proof of what was communicated but not wanting to see his name every time I opened my email. He yelled and bullied to get his way and my physical reaction to the thought of him brings me right back to how it felt to have him here bullying and yelling. After the initial fear reaction comes an anger reaction, I get mad, all the suppressed anger at him comes out - anger at all the BS he put me through, all the stupid stupid things he would do and say to always keep our lives in a tizzy.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
And wow, what an outstanding wish for someone! (you posted that while I was composing) I think of that for my ex, how I wish he could find the peace I have, wish he could find happiness and stop living every day as if everyone is an enemy and its all one big long fight to survive. How I love sitting on my porch and watching the world move on in peace and wish that he could find the same peace somehow. Great wish Mel!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I remember I had this REAL toxic boss...A total jerk...He loved my work, but did NOT like me at all...He didn't like any of the women who worked there as I found out....We were all just b****es to him....but I insisted on staying with him out of financial fear...I still didn't trust me and HP enough to find another client b/c I was relatively new to recovery..But I was getting there because I was utilizing ALL of programmes tools........
I was on this aca site, posting about my troubles an all of a sudden the freakin site went down....owner was frantically trying to fix it , emailed all of us "regulars" and told us..We ended up down for a few days.......
here i am in this toxic situation, but I was OK why??? because I had a phone sponsor and 2 on line or email sponsors....I had online coda and aca and alanon meetings that i was attending and b/c I went to these meets regularly, I could "hang out" in the chat room and get esh from the old timers who always stayed in the room to help....I also had 12 steps worksheets and literature.....
I had my recovery "eggs" in more than one basket, so when "mr. scunge" came at me I was "covered" I had my sponsors....recovery friends....meetings.....my 12 steps and slogans and literature....I was "ok" while I searched for another client to replace this bad one......
I strongly urge you to "expand" and get a sponsor, even on line will work....work the steps and go to as many one line or face to face meets and you can...get to know the other regulars, they are invaluable when i cannot get a hold of my sponsors...I can "hang out" in chat room and get GREAT esh.............
JUST saying.........I would NOT have prospered and come this far had I not used EVERY facet of this program...In this program we get out of it what we put into it.............Please take what you can use and discard the rest.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm doing all of those things neshema and you are right, it's really carrying me through even when everything is toxic around me.
I used to have this kind of fantasy, that I wasn't alone because somewhere out there was an island filled with people just like me, who would accept me, understand me, help me clean up my wounds and show me the right armour to protect myself with. And here I am.
I'm doing all of those things neshema and you are right, it's really carrying me through even when everything is toxic around me. I used to have this kind of fantasy, that I wasn't alone because somewhere out there was an island filled with people just like me, who would accept me, understand me, help me clean up my wounds and show me the right armour to protect myself with. And here I am.
very very good...I am glad to hear it...Really...I want only to see you heal and prosper in this program as I do everyone else...and find a life that gives you joy....I am glad you took my post to you as a positve intent.....
-- Edited by neshema2 on Sunday 19th of January 2014 03:15:53 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Yes, here you are! And we're so glad you're with us.
It strikes me that instead of overreacting, our typical issue is underreacting. I would find myself saying things that five years before, I would have thought were insane. "He comes home, pisses on the couch and then passes out on the floor where I have to step over him to get to the kitchen. Why can't I just not mind? Why does it make me upset every time?" Like, who would not mind that? To become habituated to that would be kind of insane. That's the kind of habituation that happens to people in war zones.
And I guess everybody has their cranky moments -- I certainly do. I don't yell or swear when food is bad. I have a friend whose family swears a blue streak at anything that happens, and it's amusing and they don't mean a thing by it. So standards of genuinely normal behavior vary a lot.
But not everybody has angry moments really really often, and not everyone has a history of anger erupting into violence.
So I'm thinking maybe your reactiveness is the voice of perspective saying to you, "This is not something that anyone with balance would be comfortable with. This is not how a balanced person lives." It's good to be aware of that.
Melly - this way of thinking is loving YOU and the only way to truly loving others. (With them, or with out them - when we love ourselves and them enough to let them go). We are beginning to see the true reflection of your real self - tho you may be addicted to excitement and chaos as most of us adult children of alcoholics are... you are seeing that you can over come this para-disease with love. Some day you may want to dabble into ACA - but for now, I do believe you are where you belong getting your current issues relieved - and experiencing some promises of the program - freedom from the bondage of self. I am just so so happy for you. I am truly honored to see you open your gifts :) Thank you
I can relate to that reaction. For me it is there for a few different reasons, the first being protective. After time, it became an disproportionate automatic reaction to things that didn't merit the response. I'm now retraining my brain to react to responses that are present and make amends, when appropriate, for over-reactions.
OMG Melly, I can relate to this, I had such bad panic attacks that would send me to the ER.
I had them before I met the A from other occurences in my life, like the death of my son, and the abduction of my daughter by her Father.
It was years later when things quieted down that the attacks came on. I had to be medicated. I got thru those, but when I met the A they came back much lighter, but they were there none the less.
I am so grateful to Alanon and meditation that help control the palpitations and anxiety. What else helped me was Bio Feedback, and learning to breath properly.
When we start to breathe incorrectly, we hyperventilate and it brings it on.
You can look it up on the internet, this helped me immensely. I don't get them anymore in years. Learning to breath properly, meditation Alanon tools, you will be good.
I have had extreme anxiety around people who have harmed me, I had to learn to detach and separate my life from theirs and it took time. I am now in a safe place with my kids and I, we no longer have to worry. Sending you prayers, love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
and you are right, it's really carrying me through even when everything is toxic around me.