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Ive been thinking about my progress and how ive been reacting most of the time lately and I think I have come up with a couple of answers, maybe. I think im too scared to fully live what im learning in alanon.
when I connect with my higher power, let go of my own will and trust in the wisdom I have a good day. There is a part of me that still does not believe im worthy though. I feel as if my defects and inaction in some situations let my hp down and so I am not worthy of that good day or the good feelings I can get from my program. I have learned that there are consequences to everything and because I have not been choosing that good orderly direction im waiting on the consequences in an anxious way. I dont know if this will make sense to anyone but any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.x
I can completely relate to what you are describing here and I've been coming to realize that I have great trust issues. for me it is part of the Me I haven't allowed to live and be since a long time. I found out that I have been dealing with situations the way I did, sometimes self-self-rightous, sometimes aggressive, sometimes appearing so strong. as a mechanism of protection for myself, for inside I'm still that little girl that is afraid to stand up for myself and raise my voice. In the time I have been defending myself, or had the strong need to prove myself, I have been neglecting the exact that I have grown up, that I'm an adult woman, that I can accept all those situations, events and experiences as lessons, that I can mature through all this. I just came to realize this now..i'm 36 now!!
well I wish I had known these things before, but I haven't. Now I kind of know, for some timeas you describe as well. The days i apply the tools and feel completely connected to my HP, life is wonderful and happiness is plain obvious and life is peaceful, in the moment. But I also struggle in making that moment last. Of course I fall down again.for I think it's my old habits re-taking control. It's similar to what I have learned through meditation. The days i completely trust in what I learned just recently and apply it, the consequences are beautiful and plain good. But That doesn't work everyday, for my miss likes to wander and I let it. because it feels safe at times to let myself distract by outer things, events, peoples and believes. Just that those don't belong to me, I can actually even walk away, but sometimes i choose not to. because in the moment it feels more safe to believe what others believe, to stand with the crowd. It's a constant struggle, sustaining myself, getting up and hold on to my own inner gut. I don't trust myselfi used to, as a childbut i lost that on the way due to some disappointments, let downs, fears.it's there somewhere, and I want to get back there, in addition to the wisdom i gained through experience as the woman I am today. it's difficult to combine those two, and it will be something New, unfamiliar. That's why I'm so scared to trust I guess. We tend to fear what we don't know, because it's easier to hold on to what we already know. Fact is today, that there are many things that hurt holding on. I'm kind of at the stage where I have nothing left to loose, or not much worth keeping , other than the true values that lie within me that have connected me to the real positive people and events in my life. It's all connected. I believe today that if I let go of the focus on my defects, the remaining things are good, positive and will attract the same. Before I believed I had to get rid of my defects.which seems sometimes impossible, because those defects can be beneficial if applied in a different way. Now if I accept those defects as what they are, learn to laugh about it, or sometimes to forgive them to me or to others, then I shift the focus, they become not so important and there will be more time and space for the positive.
puuuuh sounds very scientific, and rationaland life is not easily manageable like this, but laying it out like this, sometimes helps me walking through.
I hope it makes sense to you.my multiple thoughts lol
we are in the process, that's already somethingthings are happening, moving. and we are not completely alone in this. If you know that TRUST is an issue for you, well that's a great awareness and achievement. You can be more gentle and pay more attention to that. and so it is with many other issues. You know yourself: Congratulations!
Thanks, I think your right it is difficult to sustain the trust but I really liked the point you made about letting go of our defects, I think ive been clinging to them for dear life in the hope I can force them away and ive been focusing too much on the defects which is contributing to my feelings of failure. Focusing on what im getting right should help, maybe the actual defect is striving for perfection. I will try to go easy and forgive myself as I would anybody. I want space for the positive. I think your young and getting this, im 42!!!!!! Better late than never.x
Two things for me have come up and I completely related to having trust issues. My trust for myself is directly related to my trust in the God of my understanding. The higher the level of trust in God the higher my trust in my choices. The other thing I was sold a bill of goods about was I was suppose to just trust people, this leads to a lot of let downs. I get to choose who I trust and who I don't .. no one is given a pass on trust. It is earned and its ok to say this didn't feel right. Ad a child I learned I couldn't trust the most important people in my life .. I felt guilty about that for a long time until I realized .. umm .. I have a choice as an adult if I want to or not. The more I know and practice trusting my HP the less I let myself down .. hugs I hope some of that makes sense. Lol .. I have one eye glued shut!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi, elcee: I read your post and thought about consequences and what I learned as a kid. Negative consequences were meted out as punishment rather than ways to learn a different way of doing things. I'm not going to fault the folks I grew up learning from because they did what their generation knew to do and thought right to do in relationship to children. I am going to say that consequences in the form of punishment came as a result of being told we were bad and therefore we needed to be shamed and punished and if we were good we didn't get punished. Discipline is teaching more than it is punishment. As kids, we really didn't know differently. As adults, we can see consequences to be an opportunity for us to learn a different way to do the same thing in our lives that might work better for us than the previous way we tried it? My experience with my personal HP as I've grown older is one support, guidance, wisdom and a willingness to let me try new ways to handle myself and my responsibility. Shaming and punishment are not my HP's way. Feeling afraid of my HP came from being punished and shamed when I was younger. When I got older, I got mad at my understanding of an HP, let him have it no longer fearing consequences and experienced a whole new understanding of being loved by a power greater than myself. It was my understanding of my HP that punished and shamed me. Not my HP.
Thanks, I think I did have difficulty trusting adults and I see what your saying grateful, it could be that I need to get to know my hp more and trust that even if the consequences are uncomfortable they are not about punishment. I may be not fully letting go and sometimes I interpret the consequences that belong to others as mine.
Someone suggested to me that I have a responsibility to protect my inner child a while ago so I started really consciously doing so .
When I catch myself telling myself I am unworthy, I have been teaching myself to detach from that voice and view it as a nasty outsider attacking my "inner child" and I give it a firm talking to ("now you be quiet, what the hell do you know?") and then offer myself some words of comfort like I would to my actual child ("Now you know that isn't true, you're just as worthy as everybody else")
Hope that doesn't sound weird lol but I've found it's becoming second nature the more I practice it.
Thats a good idea, self talk, mines can be realky critical and down right nasty at times, thank you. I think it all boils down to a bit more work on me.x
Its step 3 im struggling with, handing my will over and trusting that whatever happens will be for the greater good. I didnt realise I had to keep surrendering.
I do believe that because of living disease of alcoholism we all of "trust issues". That is understandable Program work, meetings, steps and a sponsor enabled me to begin slowly to trust the program and my higher power. I did so small steps,small. increments. When I saw and felt that the program worked and my HP was, there I slowly began to trust more. My higher power does not punish me because I'm afraid. My higher power is unconditional love and compassion and is willing to hold my hand as I learn.
I too had the destructive voices that told me I was not worthy. Repeating slogans over and over my head as I heard the voices help them to stop.
Keep doing what you are doing. Your trust in HP will increase and thetrust in yourself will blossom
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 19th of January 2014 11:15:53 PM
Elcee - I guess I am reading that you have anxiety in terms of trusting whether or not you are able to distinguish between your HP's will for you and your own. I don't alway make spot on choices and I'm not always going with whatever HP wants for me but I trust I will learn and I am improving. I will never have the amount of unmanageability and confusion I had before in life due to the program and that does help me get by.
42 that's young! age does not matter if you "get it" or not. I would venture to say that it may be how long and with how much intensity you are working this great program, how much you have suffered and your priority's to love yourself in a better way. I am 68 and still have a long way to go...(in the program that is).... :) You are someone who I have seen make changes....and I'd say are a "tough cookie", but still you have an open mind, and when more changes come I think you will be a "tough lover". I find that quiet, solitude, meditation are what helps me make changes that I want to see, and it happens without effort. ...... og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Thank you, og, I wish id gotten the program even younger, thats what I meant, I know I will be working this my whole life. Im writing a step 4 for the first time and my sponsor is going to listen and help me. Its not easy, its actually quite difficult to admit my shortcomings even to myself right now.
Being a tough cookie, I think most people in my life would say that about me, Im not sure its a good thing or bad. I can see that there are times I can be opinionated and harsh, intolerant definately and times where im level headed. I want to be softer, to love more, be kinder on myself and others but I do feel kind of sorry for any future man that may come into my life.lol
Quiet, solitude is a hard one for me right now and always really, if ive not got music on, ive got a movie or im doing something, im never doing nothing and I avoid thinking a lot of the time. I suppose im still avoiding myself in some way. Im hoping my step 4 work will address some more of me and im hoping I make the next step in my recovery.
We usually keep noise going because we don't want to think, but if u want to really know "who" you are and live from the inside out quiet will do it. And then because I know who I really am I find it is easier to deal with my hangups because I can see them clearer. :).... og
Looking at ourselves without denial I think is one of the hardest things...and sometimes needs guidance/sponsor.
As always take what you like and leave the rest.... og
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
I dont know if I really want to know, thats the problem I think. I have avoided a proper step 4 since becoming a member almost 2 yrs ago. I know im avoiding myself and ive reached a point in my recovery where I know this needs to be done, ive got to look deeper or il get stuck. I know this will be good for me but I find it really hard and it could be my ego or im scared of what il find, im not sure. My sponsor has advised me for every shortcoming write an asset, this should make it easier. Im not very comfortable with myself right now and I think I am still in denial or ive went back in, maybe ive said to myself oh well im all better now and kind of stopped looking. I do feel im on the cusp of change or growth because one of my assets can be my determination so I think I should get the work done, with a struggle though.lol thank you og, sometimes I feel as if you see me and I cant hide. Thanks.x
I do relate to your feelings. I wanted my recover to go in a straight line, to always feel calm and serene and be confident in my choices. That was my impression of the oldtimers in the rooms. I thought they'd licked all their problems through some magic recovery tool that helped them to always make the "right" choice. There were lots of reasons I was afraid to make mistakes. There was punishment for not doing something right as a child instead of teaching me. So what did I do as a newcomer? I perpetuated the same behavior and denied myself good feelings and good things if I failed at anything. Today, I'm proud to be a part of the imperfect human race today. My fear of choosing "wrong" use to be was great that I often didn't do anything at all. Of course that caused it to snowball, increased my anxiety and sometimes made the situation worse than it would have been if I'd asked my higher power for help and other people with experience. I could have taken some sort of action if I'd asked hp for guidance and people for information. I thought I "should" know, I felt embarrassed to ask, I felt I didn't matter to the god of my understanding. Back then when my HP intervened and my marriage ended, I chose to hate and reject the god of my understanding. That same god never left me and continues to protect me today. I don't always like the lessons el-cee but I try to go forward learn more from the mistakes. Today, I look back in amazement at all the stuff I've gotten through and I know there is just no way I got through all of that alone. My hp was always there and will be to see me through even when I thought I'd been abandoned. When I came to believe that it was humbling but also affirming. It isn't that I'm living a fear free life these days, fear has just lessened some as my faith increased and that's strengthened my trust in myself too. I'm very grateful to my first Alanon sponsor. She helped me sort a lot of things out through our step work together. Thanks for sharing. Changes take time and then we make more! LOL Be gentle with yourself. (((((hugs))))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
For a long time, I resisted doing the 4th step. That was a while ago and I remember the big fear. Finally, I tackled it and was proud of my work, then kept taking it deeper, but I was still not satisfied. Long story short, I did the 4th step with different sponsors and with the support of open AA step meetings. Then I felt how it worked. Recently, I did the 4th step and found relief from my confusion and pain and have an added benefit of a further appreciation of my assets. I released my emotional turmoil and knowledge, growth, and serenity fill the void. I do recommend that this step be worked with a sponsor, at least for the first time, to be of greatest help.... when you are ready...
What a helpful thread this is.
Regarding the age one is when one 'gets it' - for many years my mother and I would talk about how old we felt rather than how old we are. Mum 'was' seventeen when she passed away - although she was 85 years in earth years! I hover around twenty, even though it will be my 54th birthday this year.
I think that trust is also about trusting oneself. When I realised just how much I had ignored the problems in my marriage to AH and it started to dawn on me just how much I disliked his behaviour I think that I hid behind the sofa to avoid meeting myself. I did not trust my judgement for quite a while. Perhaps it was simply that I was moving to a different point of view and needed to get used to my surroundings but now I feel as if listening to my inner voice is helping me to get to know myself a little better and the ground feels a bit firmer under my feet.
Thank you for this thread - lots to think about and some great guidance.
Thank you for your input, its amazing to me how people can relate even through my confusion and I think I have been expecting the rewards in an unrealistic way. I feel that my step 4 will help me dig out more of who I am and a little more forgiveness and self love. X
Love the sound of this el cee: "dig out more of who I am and a more forgiveness and self love." You're loved here, my friend. It will be a delight for me to see you love you more, too.
4th Step - here she comes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm hopin') (((sister)))
I just want to comment what a great thread this is and thank you el-cee for starting it. I truly appreciate all the wisdom and support shared here, as well as the honesty. I struggle very much with trust issues, and while I believe and have some faith in a HP, my "fear" comes into play and I find it hard to let my faith in that HP and in the ESH I read be real for "me". So glad you put this out there el-cee. I soo needed this right now.
