The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
Growing up in an alcoholic home, I received many inconsistent messages. My parents said one thing but then another happened. They acted one way in certain situations but then another way in other situations that completely contradicted their actions of earlier.
Because of this I gained a great sense of my surroundings. Analyzing situations, analyzing people, listening and watching what they say and their actions and making an assessment on what I think.
Long story short, there in an old friend of mine, who displays the exact behaviour of an alcoholic. A situation has a arisen in his life that just doesn't add up based on his past behaviour and who he is as a person.
I know I should just brush it off and it doesn't affect my life at all but it's just making me so mad. I am legitimately angry and upset that I don't know if he's telling the truth or full of BS that I am qustioning if my gut instinct is truly right.
This guy just gives me that feeling....I think you guys know what I am talking about. The alarm bells, the red flags, they all go off with this guy. He makes me angry like the alcoholic made me angry. It's the same exact feeling and I just can't shake it.
Do you guys get this? Someone other than your alcoholic makes you feel exactly how the alcoholic did?
I honor it. I become observant. I wait. I keep an open mind because I may be reacting to a memory and not the person. I pay attention to what I'm feeling and usually journal about it if it is strong and consistent asking for clarity from my HP. I can usually pinpoint in that way what is going on in me and what I need to do to take care of myself. I do know I can't spend a lot of time with active alcoholics. I'm not comfortable in their presence. Not because they're alcoholics, but because I like to relate to folks who aren't drugged.
My program tells me "Keep it simple" and if its none of my business and that I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it..."let it go". Detach from itand don't turn yourself over to it... Gonna read what comes next. Mahalo Jim. (((hugs)))
Yes! I relate. It comes as a surprise sometimes as I realize that my triggers were pushed. My sponsor suggested that I ask myself "what specifically is it about this behavior that affects me so much"?
What I have discovered is that this happens when I have expectations or attachments. I took something personally - valid or through altered perception. Sometimes step 4 reveals and releases more. I detach, then I evaluate if I am able to choose a reaction that would bring the outcome that I would like.
-- Edited by bud on Sunday 19th of January 2014 12:40:20 AM
Hi jim, I think the important question is not if this guys lying or shady but why its so important to you. You have said its due to you growing up in an alcoholic home, maybe there are things from your past you should work on accepting. Are you still looking out for your answers? Are you still angry and holding on to resentment? I know how that feels because I have to work on this everyday or I take everyone elses inventorys. When im good I try to remember that I dont know the full story about anyone, I dont know their pain or issues so therefor I have no right to study them and look for their faults and its not easy because quite often I only felt comfortable with people when I had worked out their weaknesses and concluded that yes, I was better than them. Its not easy to own up to but its the truth for me. Keep working your program.x
First, I take some of Jerry's approach. If it is not my monkey if it is not my zoo. Ya know?
Then I look for what is MY issue and that leads me to the second part...
I look for the same quality or qualities or behaviors that makes me feel those strong feelings and take a good hard honest look at if I exhibit those as well. Often, I do. It's difficult sometimes, but it is almost 100% of the time true. But, I can only work together with my HP on these character defects if I am aware of them. When I have things like this happen, I figure my HP knows I'm ready to deal. I remember SO VIVIDLY the moment where I realized that everything I hated about my ABF, I also had in common with him. Rough...yes. But it sent me to the rooms.
I'm still learning Jim. My instinct is to run away fast and far if it's someone that I don't really care about and that's not hard to do these days. I do have some tools for avoiding people, places, and things that trigger me from the get go. NOW, if it's someone that I DO care about for whatever reason, it's harder to let it go and I find myself getting angry, obsessing, and stewing....also reexperiencing and ruminating about my past. That's when I have to work hard on my program and take it to a spiritual level as much as I can because I have tunnel vision in those scenarios no matter how hard I try to be rational.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 19th of January 2014 09:45:08 AM
I have tried very hard to be careful who I let get close to me. As a codependent, I wanted to help everyone, which led me to having many crazymaking people in my life...who I wanted to help in one way or another.
Over time I have learned to let it go...when someone is lying, doing bad things etc...unless I am affected directly, it's none of my business. The only exception to this is if a child is in danger, then I would confront the situation.
Bottom line, people have the right to be jerks, liars, and fools...and it isn't my place to set them straight. Sometimes I do give gentle feedback...but with NO expectation that the person will change...because that is my old stuff, that self-righteousness...trying to get people to do what is right. Not only that, it was mental energy I could use for things that were better emotionally for me.
The thing is, this is a guy I've seen once in the last year. I cut him out of my life because I was just tired of him and his crew of people. There's a saying 'show me your friends and I'll show you your future;. I told myself they are just not who I want to be.
What it is that bugs me about this is the inconsistency of his message. Him and his wife fought like cats and dogs, and the next day it's like it never happened. He lived on employment benefits and worked part-time for close to 2 years, and now is buying all these fancy things...Noone else seems to be saying anything and just sits back and accepts it.....whereas he reminds me so much of my parents...it just doesn't seem genuine at all and so fake...'There would be times when i would just be talking to myself or get upset' and he'd say 'you know Jim, I know you have a history of mental illness and addiction in your family....'......
The reason I am able to get over it with my dad is because I have had open conversations with my dad about this, and he has acknowledged it. Despite it being shaky, he is still in some form of recovery, whether it's strong or not.
I also want a relationship with my father, I could care less to mend things with this guy.
I brought this up a few weeks ago in my f2f meetings, that I am tired of carrying around this anger toward him. I will share again these revelations this week.
Some relationships are just toxic .. end of story. I think it's interesting our maybe something to think about .. I had a relationship with my MIL (STBSX'S s/mom) I noticed it was triggering things in me that I thought I had dealt with and I really hadn't. It did finally come to a point where it became healthier for me to end the relationship for the reason .. she wouldn't listen to the boundaries I was placing .. a complete reenactment of my relationship with my mom. It was a safety thing I could act out with her because she wasn't my mom. So whatever string emotional response I was giving and getting. Hugs .. keep coming back ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I understand and can get "stuck" when other people are inconsistent. I know I can trust when someone's thought's, words, and deeds are in alignment. Knowing this man is inconsistent, you have choices- can detach and not take it personally, can look at it as being on his side of the street and not look at it, can walk away. I have recently become stuck on someone's inconsistency and did a fourth step to drill down to what it was that I was so reactive to. It can be annoying, frustrating, and disappointing when someone is not being honest or is peppered with denial. But I tell myself- sometimes many times- that is their workshop, not mine.
Many years ago a very wise old timmer told me to treat everyone I meet as *IF *- as if they were alcoholic . this made no sence to me at all at the time . Today I understand that she meant Use My Program in all my relationships . Al-Anon responses , boundaries (mine) alcoholic or not there is nothing I can do about choices other people make but I can choose how I react.. Treat them as IF works for me .. and trust your gut . just my opinion Louise
