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I haven't heard from my mom today, however the reality is and it just dawned on me I won't "hear" from her, the entry point of surgery went through the front of her throat. She was suppose to be in the hospital for 3 days so we'll see .. I guess I figure no news is good news and knowing my mom .. lol .. I'm sure she's driving the staff crazy with her silent demands .. LOL.
This coming week is a big deal (for my situation as a whole) .. I have many things happening all at once and there are some conclusions that are happening that will be beyond a good thing. I have made a decision that is contingent on the Thursday court date .. I do have anxiety, however I also realize that it's out of my hands at this point. I'm very ok with whatever happens. I feel a little unsafe .. that's just me and past programming that this is a big step for me feeling the fear/anxiety and facing the end of this saga.
The best part is I've started dreaming again .. and that is a very big deal as well .. I mean about the future for the kids and I. It won't be easy .. however it's just going to be what it's going to be at this point. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up .. however my therapist is really encouraging me to look into some kind of service work in the courts. I know I would love love love it .. it also feeds a side of myself that is something that's a character defect as well as asset. If there is a will there is a way and trust me I will find it .. LOL.
It was a little startling to realize that I have grown up in a very conflict habituated environment (I knew this however it has really dominated my life and it explains a lot about why the people who come into my life have come into my life) and that everything I needed (I mean emotionally) I fought for .. attention, validation, blah blah blah .. then add to that the lack of boundaries and me knowing that wasn't a healthy way to grow up. So who am I if I'm not fighting for a cause or if I'm not just fighting for survival? How do I implement my new ideas about how I want to live? How to I dig myself out of some of the messes I've gotten into .. nothing huge .. just .. I'm going to have to deal .. and it's not going to be fun. It just is what it is at the moment.
These are the questions that I've been praying about .. the good news is I'm willing, albeit a little hesitantly to lay down one sword and know that the fight is essentially over. That doesn't mean I won't be eyeballing that sword for a bit .. the fact I'm even willing to lay it down is huge and shows progress. I've cut off a couple of fingers and toes during this tornado of a divorce .. I have survived and even lived, .. that's a good thing. I'm just so grateful I don't have to do or be anything I don't want to do or be.
Right there has been the bigger blessing for me .. what Alanon has really reminded me of is that I'm the co-pilot of my ship while the God of my understanding is the pilot. While others may not agree with how I have chosen to handle my situation .. it's mine to handle and I will continue to do what I need to do in order to make sure the kids and I are protected .. I have taken so much grief from family, friends about my choices, I have been questioned .. I have been doubted .. what usually winds up happening is the whole "oh" .. LOL. I'm ok with that big time. The reality is .. I haven't been that wrong about things .. I've been more validated than not by the end result. I am dealing with a bully. I am dealing with a liar, thief, cheat and a drunk .. who happens to be a bully as well. He's not going to like the end result of what will happen .. that's not my problem.
Anyway, I have been doing really well, .. feeling pretty solid in the program and in life .. I'm still trying to work through a few areas of my life .. my therapist has said to wait on a couple of areas until the divorce is done because now is not the time to turn soft .. there will be a time .. just not now. I do agree with that assessment because it would only confuse me and right now is a time of clarity not confusion. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel and I am grateful for that big time.
The stories I will have after this is all over with .. LOL .. fact is far crazier than fiction is so extremely true .. LOL. I've got a writers time line going on and OMGosh when I go back and look at everything I laugh, shake my head in the absurdity of it all. I will NOT be in court a year to the day (5 days later) with my stbax .. that means I'm NOT doing the same thing I was doing this time last year and I was concerned about that fact. I will be in court on 1/30 .. I doubt he will be there during that time. That will be another ending for me .. so I'm grateful that I do not have to keep doing the same thing and there is progress in the case.
Thanks for being here for the support,
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am also a fighter. I needed to be that to survive. There are times I still need to fight - not against someone but for me! I do not go around looking for a fight. I like to interact with folks peacefully and conservatively. Yet, I've also met people in my lifetime who believe that to be a weakness. I can be a formidable opponent - not because I want to fight anyone, but because there is a limit to my patience and there is a limit to my understanding.
I know not to wave a red flag in front of a bull, but I also won't bend my knee to an oppressor. I used to think that was a problem. Then, one day as I described something I had done in relationship to another person (which didn't hurt the person, only surprised them) who had mistreated many, many people and gotten away with it to my spiritual companion at the time, I was feeling very ashamed of myself and sure he'd tell me how wrong I was and that I needed to make amends to the other person. I heard something I've never forgotten: "Have you ever heard of the wrath of God?" "No." "Well, what happened in you and through you was the wrath of God being played out. There is no need for you to feel ashamed or badly because you did what was called for at that time. No one has the right - by God or by law - to mistreat another human being over and over again without a warning or wake up call from God."
I heard that more than 25 years ago. It has stuck with me to this day. Gentleness has its place, but there is also something called gentle firmness. If it comes from a place of taking something personal, then it usually is of ego. But, if it comes from a place of strength and power that sends this message: Stop! No further! Then, I think that is our HP, giving us what we need to do to take care of ourselves and of our young ones without harming the other person.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 18th of January 2014 07:18:45 PM
That's kind of where I'm at .. honestly .. if my stbax would just do what he's suppose to do, .. none of what is going on would be going on .. there would be no need. I felt this way towards the beginning of last year when I realized our relationship was completely over it was a matter of co-parenting the kids at that point. I just want to move on with my life and not have the strife that has been going on .. I also am not going to just roll over .. the amount he thinks he should pay for child support is completely unreasonable .. suck it up buttercup .. I didn't have these kids alone .. if I managed that I would be a scientific miracle .. two times over!!
I still tend to try and get my needs met through the same fighter way and that's what is no longer working for me. Usually as soon as I feel invalidated about how I feel I react in that way too .. I've caught myself a couple of times .. so that is progress. I don't go looking for a fight .. I do wind up attracting into my life a lot of difficult people. I look at that last temp job and was thinking ok God .. what are you trying to teach me that I'm not getting .. not the first time I've been in that kind of situation. If I am really honest with myself .. I will bend a knee on someone because it's a reaction for NOT listening to me say STOP. It's a last resort to are you listening now?
He's not listening and this has been going on now for years .. it reminds me of my childhood, that feeling of lack of control and helplessness. I do not like that feeling as an adult and this completely activates that side of me. I guess there is a part of me that hopes his atty finally says to him .. hey .. she's done playing with you and now you are looking at a class 4 felony if you keep going .. I think you better just cut your losses and move along because continue and she's going to not place you in jail .. you will go to prison.
Anyway, .. it's good to know I can at least be aware of this situation.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Unfortunately, he won't do it and fortunately, you know that and have stepped up to the plate of this circumstance ready to hit a home run on taking care of the children as best you can. You are courageous, Serenity, and you are firmly aligned with God's will that those children be looked after - if not by their Dad who is really too sick to do it - but by you. I'm also going to be praying that a door opens for you to finance your needs and the children's, too, in a work you will absolutely love like the one you described above. When you get it, we'll have to celebrate in a cyberspace way! Lots of hugs to you, too, S.
Thank you Grateful because that is a scary reality right now and that is something the next two weeks will free me to do .. something I'm going to do while I am at the court house is ask for a job application. One of the bailiffs teased me and said one of the last time I was there .. for as much as you are here .. we need to start paying you .. LOL .. yes please .. I would be ok with that prospect. LOL .. I admit it would give me some satisfaction seeing his atty and having a smile on my face saying I'm sorry what did you need? LOL!
The good news is this .. I can move forward in a large way at the end of this month.
Thanks again and hugs :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Serenity)))
My mom always told us that where there is a will there is a way. I may not get what I want but find that I have always been given what I needed. Prayers and loving support your way!!
Serenity, it feels like you have returned from an epic battle in which you have slayed the dragon,lol. I admire your courage throught this time in your life. You have truly stood up for yourself and it sounds like its been therapy in itself. Im glad its coming to an end for you and your family and i cant wait to hear what comes next in your life, its sure to be a really good read.x
Ps, gratefuls wrath of god is brilliant, I must remember that one.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 19th of January 2014 03:40:36 PM
You have made so much progress since first coming here and your sense of humor through it all is very intact! Always here to send you love and support my sister from another mister! Always!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
