I make no bones about how bad living with AH#1 was...He was a huge mistake...Its weird...Both of my fiances adn long term relationships  ( I did not want to marry too young, wanted to put me in school and just did not want the trap my A mother was in....and I was afraid of men big time for obvious reasons)

But thinking back  BOTH fiances were not A's...one , I was with from middle school to early twenties and the 2nd was after him....Both were good guys...yea, drank a bit, but were not A's and were not abusive..

So how did i get this first AH#1???  fiance #2 and I had a huge row and he went to germany to track down a guy who ripped off a big company and they hired my "L"  to catch him  "L" was para legal and an investigator  or tracker for folks who did financial crimes....anyway, we had stuff we need to "iron out" b4 we could get married  (he had an ex live in who had his son who was using little "A" to get back at him b/c she had his son...I had his heart and she was gonna us boy to get at "L")   anyway, I got impatient...I wanted us to settle down, he did too, but he had to get this cleaned up with Ex  in court.....i got angry and broke up w/him...He had to go to Germany where they had tracked this white collar criminal and "we will talk about this when I get back"

I began dating AH#1...met him through my best friend...He was #2 man at the Holiday Inn Hotel in a very nice city....He was cute...fun to hang out with and hiding his drinking problem very well....I had no clue and I had GROWN UP with the stuff.....we dated....i refused to see the red flags....controlling...withdrawing affection when angry at me....and a few other red flags......we had a courtship that short and he proposed and i accepted...."L" was still in Germany......

When we married, "L" called me while i was cleaning out my little apartment and AH#1 and i were moving to a bigger place while we "house hunted"  I will never forget how "L" cried and begged me "don't do this to us"...It was already DONE....It was the most terrible phone call of my life...

It wasn't long before AH#1 began to show his colors....the withdrawing of affection to punish me....the horrible angry, yelling, stomping around outbursts, slamming dishes around b/c there was a spot on a glass.....walking on egg shells to keep him peaceful.....the ONLY girlfriend he let me hang out w/was my friend who was at our wedding and who thought he was the greatest...I met her through him...also my maiden of honor....TWO friends or he would have a fit.....

I was too ashamed to go to "L" for help...as a native american , I was taught that "you make your bed, you lay in it"  and I could not go to "L" for help, who had returned from Europe and who constantly asked my other girl friend whom AH#1 hated about my welfare....he was worried sick that I was not "well taken care of"  I just cold not go to him....

But this whole thing, this marriage, this experience in drunken abuse and manipulation, out bursts, taught me a LOT....it was a blessing, looking backward.....

When I did make my escape, I realized that i needed help so I went to mental health dept. in my city who helped abused women get on their feet, mentally and emotionally and i got a good councellor.....I realized things about me....that I was tough, resourceful, resilient and that this marriage brought out my long simmering anger over my childhood that I had stuffed so well, folks thought I was miss "sweetie pie"....Noone knew, not even I, how horrendously P***ed off at the world I was....At God...At my parents...At me....

this disaster of a marriage brought all this out...I could get MAD...and MAD I did....I was OUTRAGED and my counsellor showed me healthy ways to get this anger out....wonderful tools I use to this day, however with 12 years ,going on, program, I am getting rid of that old, stagnant, yet boiling anger that ate me up....No doubt that anger made my asthma so bad that my doc. giving me shots didn't even help it.....now, I hardly notice it unless i get loads of dust in my face or get around bug spray.....

So marrying him and being treated so badly was a blessing in a way, in that it showed me i had some super anger to deal with and now i had someone to tell it to and how to "get it out"

Too bad my nurse/councellor and I couldn't last longer but he moved on...our last visit, he gave me a hug and said he learned as much from me as he hoped I did him....I loved him..I will never forget his sincere caring about me and the tools he taught me....but as always, life changes and he got a waaay better position up north and had to leave....

I met AH#2 and really put him on probation b4 I made any commitments to him...Yes, he drank....too much, but so did I like to party ,so I did't notice that HE drank a lot more....he always was at work, well respected in the navy,  was a good man to me,  he just DRANK  waaaay too much......"L" was still hoping to recapture our past, but I had moved on.....He was still fighting for custody and I had found my 2nd hubby who treated me , really...Like a princess....so i completely over looked and accepted the drinking b/c of what he was....I could even talk to him about my abuse.....he hugged me and we cried together....he told me he believed me and he was there for me to talk and share  "any ole time"....he believed and validated me and that would eventually lead me to recovery....I was getting closer and closer to coming out of the closet about my abuse and my shame, thanks to AH#2.....

I don't hate and resent AH#1 anymore...he was the vehicle creator used, perhaps to get the "teapot to emit all the steam that was building and building to the point of boiling over"  he was my proof that I did NOT have to live w/abuse b/c I got out of it...I found a way....I bartered, used my charm and "handy girl" skills to get away from him.....he was verification that now I had a CHOICE.....He showed me how tough I am to have survived him and that horrible FOO I grew up with......He also showed me that I was a better person in that I did not ever harm another creature in my anger, but I did  harm me and I did treat my HP horribly, but that would all come out and be faced in recovery....

.I never exposed my Daughter #1  (hadn't adopted daughter #2 yet)  but my older girl was in school the whole time I was with AH#1 and she later married (too young, but she did, lol) ...I would never let her around him....one of my totems in my culture is the afrikan lioness...the lioness will die, protecting her cubs...even from their dad or in this case, step dad....she will do anything to spare her babies of abuse....only about 2/3 the size of the male, she will take him on tooth and nail, protecting her cubs....Also she teaches me  "power in numbers" in that I don't have to fight life alone all the time...group cooperation is another lesson she brings to me .My other totem is the horse...the horse is my totem to remind me of my spirituality and to confirm and validate that I am a vessel, really, of love..I felt soo connected w/creator when on my horse going for a ride ......my last totem is the sow grizzley bear who teaches me that I am fine being in my own skin and its FINE to be alone, solitary at times, b/c I am never really alone as part of this universe network, I am never really alone...

I never was faced with having to go "tooth and nail" with AH#1  b/c daughter was away to college and i just never let her around him.....Period....We were only married 5 years, thank goodness so it was only me he hurt.....

so whereever he is, if he is even alive, I do thank him for showing me that no human being is gonna put this little indian down.....I rose above this crap and all he and the FOO threw at me and I came out of all this a better, more loving, more tough, more resilient, more compassionate, more appreciative of the good in my life.....THEY did not beat ME....I beat them by being the best me that I can...and I aint done yet....