The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a grateful member of Alanon and one of the amazing gifts I have from this fellowship is the ability to be honest with myself and to own up to the defects I have, to a certain extent anyway, Im working on it!!!.
Lately, I have felt my insanity surface and I have kind of tuned into it in a weird way and I can see it clearly. I have two sons here with me right now and the comings and goings of them has been driving me insane or my insanity has been right at the surface. I have been having trouble sleeping, I've been having bad dreams, my behavior is all over the place, I mean, I've been having random rants at these two big tall boys and I can see myself looking like an absolute crazy woman. I mean I heard them in the bedroom, I heard all this crazy talk and I ran in like a bull in a China shop and it turns out they were playing a video game, it was actually the game I heard!!!!! lol.
My mind has been running rampant about what they are doing and where they go and what bad things are they getting up to and they don't tell me anything. They are growing up and one is working hard in his wee job and the other is calm and quiet, they are not perfect, like me they have been affected by alcoholism but right now my craziness is back. My behaviour towards other human beings has been a bit hit and miss too, sarcasm comes back with a vengeance, I have this weird need to be heard so my volume button has been turned up a good notch, I sooooo have a need to be right in every conversation I am having. I got into a debate with a Taxi driver tonight and was in his car for nearly half an hour after arriving home!!!!
Well, the positive in the midst of my madness is the fact that at least I can see it and admit it and have hope that I can work on it. I have tools. Wheras before I would have sunk deeper into some sort of black hole, not knowing what was wrong with me or have a clue how to deal with it.
Thanks for listening.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Friday 17th of January 2014 02:41:38 PM
Thanks PP, it is really good to know that there are people in this world, even if they are across the Atlantic Ocean and elsewhere, that really get me. Glad you are here too.x
Get back up on that horse, set some boundaries and move forward my friend. We all fall but what is good we never give up. When I get that way I really can notice now how fast I can get out of my craziness.
Good work, so no problem.....you know how to change it
((Hugs ))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((el-cee))
I too feel my crazy these days. The urge to make everyone understand or over explain my choices. Yep that's me. Trying to cut it off at the pass.
That moment when your mouth opens to say something and you remember to stop and think. Yep ;) Progress not perfection.
Yes Mari, I say to myself remember to think and how important is it? But right now everything seems to be important for me and im reacting to everything, very impulsive too. Could be hormones too. lol
I love the quotes here! I have those moments where I feel triggered and am just reacting instead of being planned out and purposeful, it just makes me slow down regroup and look at what am I missing, what stressors are triggering me and fixing what I can to get back to a serene place. Life just keeps coming, but for the most part I do not have to take it all personally and lots of times it really has very little to do with me. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hey el-cee....I like what Cathy said about getting back on the horse.....we all fall off at one point or the other....but we get back on, learn what we did or what was triggering us to get to the point of falling off and we go again
You are so not alone...sometimes i think I am nuts some days.....i got nuts when i do something stupid out of not paying attention....packing food for my gym bag adn i had a container of my meal shake mix and LOST it....misplaced that sucker and first i looked and i ask me "HOW do ya lose your friggin food????" i put it on the clothes dryer when i went to get the towels out......i tore the kitchen apart lookin for that stupid container.....was to the point of giving it up and making a new one and i remembered, "hey I went to the dryer maybe it is there" found it but omg...i mean how stupid is that????? so yea, i had to work my program about it, accept that i still have these "not paying attention" times that aggravate me but i try ,doing better, but still fail, but i TRY to accept it and not fight it....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Gee, el cee - I hardly have any hormones left and I still react. Some days are just harder than others to focus on ourselves, stay in our day, and stay calm. As you noticed, you are aware that the way you were thinking, feeling and behaving are no longer an every day thing for you and isn't the way you want to proceed either. You came on the board, shared here honestly, got a nugget of gold in David's quote, a whole lot of support and soon you'll be back up and on program again because that's your goal.
"I'm glad to know I'm insane"...Yay acceptance of a good inventory and then what is it were taught and shown how to do with our inventories? Apologies and Amends. I use to practice different ways of saying "I apologize" and "I'm sorry I did that" or "that I was wrong". Some of the stuff I came up with sounded real serious and other times just absolutely funny. Practicing apologies and doing amends is a powerful growth tool. Being insane often isn't the same thing as abnormal. ((((hugs))))
I once told my sponsor that I was crazy, and his reply was..."well, that's an upgrade from insane, insane people think everything is alright and all good... crazy people know something just ain't right"!
So, I guess I'm just crazy today, cuz I know I ain't right! LOL
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Gosh I get that way from time to time as well. I think that when we recognise that we are not 100% with our own behaviour we are on the road to becoming incredible people and we are learning more than most. I was pulling off a motorway yesterday and when I got to the roundabout the lights were turning red. The chap in the car behind me went mental when I stopped, horn blowing, arms waving and I could see his mouth moving in the rear view mirror (it was a red light after all!!). I bet he did not stop to think about how he was stressing himself out over something (me!) who he could not control
Thanks for the feedback, Its good to know Im just 'crazy' I have been upgraded.lol. I like the idea of practicing amends. I think yes I will make amends to the two sons for my bad behaviour. I know my program says ook within and not outside for my feelings of discomfort so Im going to practice that.
Grateful, I say that all the time when Im a bit slow to process things. Maybe its a Scottish saying if you have not heard it. You are welcome to it. lol.x
I find it helpful to remind myself that insanity and crazy do not have to be a permanent thing. Also, to remember that feelings often lie and feelings aren't facts. I go back to the facts.
Where do those feelings of discomfort come from!? I sit with them and question their value (or work it out with Alanon), I am usually able to make a choice about having them around. I'm a huge fan of purging negativity when possible.
Not a saying, but a thing in horseback riding- the most important thing after falling off is to get back on as quickly as possible- the more quickly the rider does this, the less emotional damage and fears and the quicker the restored faith in ourselves and our abilities.
Thank you Bud, Feelings are not facts, that is not an easy one to come to terms with, it all seems to me to think before doing or syaing anything and asking myself 'how important is it?' and am I reacting rather than acting. I seem to be up and down that horse, maybe one day I will learn to stay on for a good long while. Il keep working on it thats for sure.x
