The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A light bulb went off in my head this morning. When my ABF is on an angry, drunken bender I act like a hostage.
I am a little afraid while he is still awake and I try to be calm and quiet so that I do not 'disturb the beast'. I can finally relax when he passes out. Who would have thought a passed out drunk would be something I find relief in? Deep breath; one day at a time.
I think the fog is starting to lift in my brain. All of the 'warning signs' and controlling behavior that I shrugged off over the years are replaying in my mind. I am not going to berate myself (woulda, shoulda, coulda) but I am going to use the memories as a reminder to myself that I have given him sooooo many chances and opportunities. He chose not to value me or the situation. Or maybe it was his disease. Either way, I am not to blame for the place we are now.
The truth is, I think things are coming to a head. He is angrier and acts out more now than ever before. Especially about the subject of al-anon. He is so threatened by my attending f2f meetings. I am lucky to be in a community where there at least 3 meetings available every day of the week. The one where I feel most comfortable is on Friday nights. When I came home last Friday he was sober but irrationally angry and he stomped around screaming about my family. I am worried about going tonight after the manic rant he was on last night.
I feel better just typing out my story. Thank you for listening. :)
p.s. Does anyone else feel like the daily readings in Courage to Change were written just for them???
That is my favorite reader. I have so many pages turned down, Ive made a mess of it. I can really relate to the behavior in your own home. My AH and I have been separated for over a year and he has sobered up and been doing all the right things for @6 months now, but reading this brings it all back and that's a good thing. It is way too easy to forget. Keep doing what you are doing for you. It works!
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
I can so relate to feeling like a hostage. Going along with his ridiculous nonsense and enduring his ranting or bizarre conversations so as not to set him off, and yeah that blessed relief when he finally passes out and I can relax, stop tip-toeing and do "normal" stuff. (And that occasional horror when he wakes again after only an hour or so and resumes drinking because that hour long "reset" seems to charge him up to get drunker than ever).
Sad dog mommy, tonight ABF has been drunk, angry and clearly gearing up for a super-fun weekend bender because...now are you sitting down?...because he's SURE his TV used to have a sticker on it that said how big the screen is, and someone has REMOVED the sticker...and there's a finger-print where the sticker used to be...he actually wanted me to examine the finger-print...what? I told him I'd call the company and have them send out a new sticker and he told me I was being 'ridiculous". Mhhhm.....
Good on you for doing what you need to do for you. Mine has been trying every which way to stop me from making the changes I have been making by trying to hold me hostage. The good news is it hasn't worked and do you know, I actually think he's starting to like things the way they are because I just don't fight with him anymore. It's worth hanging in there and it's so worth sticking with alanon, I'm sure of it!! I hope you get to your meeting.
I still don't have Courage to Change. I'm going to make it my mission to get a copy tomorrow since you've mentioned it Hugs to you. I pray that our A's pass out all weekend long lol. I swear they are so much worse around the full moon.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Friday 17th of January 2014 01:35:40 PM
When my AW is active, passed out on the couch after a binge feels like the best place for her. She can't berate our son, get belligerent with me, burn something when cooking, get another DUI, kill someone or herself driving into a concrete abutment, etc.
And then, when she is sober, all of her behavior is either aggressively or passively geared towards getting another bottle and downing it. Including Denial, Rationalization, Yelling (I call it DRY).
She is in recovery now, so that may be proof that it can be done for you. She is 2 months sober so far, and very active in AA. Unfortunately, not as many Alanon meetings available for me, but I go to what I can.
I hope you get peace, you seem to be working hard on it, congratulations! And I hope that he can hit whatever he needs to hit to jar him into going to rehab/inpatient.
I can relate, too. One night, after a violent rant that my 3 year old at the time got of bed to see, I was done, done, done. Something in me said that I was born to be free and living like a caged animal with a crazy man who could get away with anything and everything because there truly was no one to stop him helped me see that I could stop him by moving him out and me on. I learned I had choices - two most important to me at the time - I was free to stay in that circumstance cowering and walking on eggshells or I could opt for the unknown and be free that way. I chose to be free of living with a person who was hooked into drugs and alcohol. I found myself again and although I looked back from time to time, I never went back. I've never regretted my choice to move him out and to move on.
Going to meetings is working for you! (((S)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 17th of January 2014 02:20:47 PM
Yes, I know what you mean. Im like this with my son or less so now that I have set some boundaries. With my ex though, I remember feeling this way all the time because I would tip toe round when he was sober so that he wouldn't get drunk then I would tip toe round to stop the 'beast' from waking and in the middle I was raising my children in this environment too. I never knew there were other choices or I never had courage to change things. Im glad that horrible fog is clearing.x
Thank you for all of your messages! The next time I am tiptoeing around the house, I will sing the Tiny Tim song "Tip Toe Through the Tulips" in my head and think of you.
Oh boy, I just showed my age by using a reference to Tiny Tim! If you don't know who he was, Google it. You will get a good laugh.
I remember those days but I'm the one who'd stayed. My mistake I could have walked out a long time ago but I didn't. I thought I could make it work, control it and cure it. Well that didn't happen. I'm still here but things have changed. Just a few months ago there was a violent and yelling match and I stepped back and look at the situation. I then walked into my bedroom, got dressed, got a few things together and walked out the door. He was furious and I had my nerve to leave. I stayed away for 3 days and he was frantic, texting and calling wondering where I was at. When he texted he was calling the police and reporting me missing I called him. We talked but I had to hang up on him once....after that he was civil, we talked and I came home. I had to leave a few more times but just for a few hours. He finally got the hint....yeah we can fight but boundaries are in place.
No name calling
No hitting
No breaking or slamming things around
If it gets heated we go to our separate corners until we can be civil and respectful. Working out pretty good I must say
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Awareness is a great gift, it took me a long time to see clearly the life I had let myself slowly decline to and once it really hit me, I had to learn with al-anon how to get to the life I had imagined I would have. I am still working on getting there one day at a time, but I am well on my way, with my face to face meetings, MIP, my sponsor and my 3 daily readers I am on track and feeling healthier than ever. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was very helpful for me as was "Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, they are not al-anon approved literature, but helped me out a lot none the less. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Codependent no more is a very helpful book. I agree.
I am grateful that you are standing your ground, and setting boundaries. I hope you go to your f2f this evening. Remember, it's about you!!
Find your happy place. ;)
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Learning to find the joys of me. One day at a time.
I remember those days but I'm the one who'd stayed. My mistake I could have walked out a long time ago but I didn't. I thought I could make it work, control it and cure it. Well that didn't happen. I'm still here but things have changed. Just a few months ago there was a violent and yelling match and I stepped back and look at the situation. I then walked into my bedroom, got dressed, got a few things together and walked out the door. He was furious and I had my nerve to leave. I stayed away for 3 days and he was frantic, texting and calling wondering where I was at. When he texted he was calling the police and reporting me missing I called him. We talked but I had to hang up on him once....after that he was civil, we talked and I came home. I had to leave a few more times but just for a few hours. He finally got the hint....yeah we can fight but boundaries are in place.
No name calling No hitting No breaking or slamming things around
If it gets heated we go to our separate corners until we can be civil and respectful. Working out pretty good I must say
This gives me hope that staying was the right choice for me. At least, it is for now. We've set boundaries, we're speaking up when we're upset (respectfully), and we're trying to become a team against the problem instead of me vs him. But that's what's right for me, and not for everyone. It's a struggle every day, but it's what I need right now. It took me a lot of courage to understand that wasn't what I wanted, and what I wouldn't accept any more. One step and one day at a time.
Oh, and another vote for Codependent No More. Fantastic book!
-- Edited by SpiderArcana on Friday 17th of January 2014 06:33:31 PM
glad to know i am not alone with AHBF problems. Thought i was done, made the mistake of calling him over the holidays. Now i say, i wish i never called him, i wish i never met him... has me waiting at home for 2 days for him to show up, then he shows up drunk so i ask him to leave... he should not have been driving and he wouldn't have a car if it wasn't for his mom buying him one, nor does he have a driver's license from multiple dui's... he ignores me when i tell him to leave, so i say it 5 times and he's like , "Wait, you really want me to leave?" i said yes, please do. then he goes into a rage, and breaks a few things, and leaves marks in the driveway and takes off yelling. only to go across the street and i can hear him drinking with my neighbor and being loud like he owns everything around here. next day i get a call about how i'm so f'ing lame and such a f'ing B etc, and that if i can't live with him drinking "a couple times a month" then i have some serious f'ing issues...
rage, hurt, depression, low self-esteem, nightmares, anxiety, panic attacks... look who's back :(
good thing i got to a meeting today. So.. is it just the alcohol that turns these men into raging insanity? Living in an alternate reality, where Denial is the name of the game... next day pretend like nothing happened. Wait, did something just happen? Should i just not take it personally when he's lashing out at me? wait for him to say he's sorry later? he usually brings me something to eat.
I feel very conflicted when I read these above posts. My boyfriend is a daily pot smoker. He and I have had *numerous* conversations (never yelling) regarding what my boundaries are. He respects them; he washes his hands and uses mouth wash after he smokes, he only smokes after I have been home from work and only after we've decompressed from our days with each other, he respects that I refuse to have sex with him when he is stoned, and he doesn't get stoned before we have family functions.
That being said, I still HATE it. Every night, he packs his pipe, goes outside, and has his smoke. I can't stand looking at his face after he smokes- my intelligent, loving, wonderful man becomes a stoned, slack jawed, red-eyed mess. He knows I hate it, so he pretty much sits quietly on the couch and plays video games or watches tv or reads. He is not abusive, but I still feel like the second wheel to his pot. He says he is hurt whenever I say I feel second to his pot, but it's the case. I feel like him spending time with me is just a means to his end of smoking. He has zero coping mechanisms, so he turns to pot to soothe his fears/worries/stress/tiredness.
When he gets stoned, I feel like I am just waiting for him to come down and be himself again. I am waiting for him to not act like a jackass. I am waiting for him to decide that life is worth living even if pot is not in it. Lately though, and of course speaking with my counselor has influenced this, I have felt like I should just be done with it. I don't know how to walk away from a man I love very much though. And a man who is not physically or verbally abusive. He's just a stoner who prioritizes weed over most things in his life.
To edit- the last time I posted something about this, someone mentioned that if you are going to love the addict, you must love them for their whole selves. I find this both a relief (when I think about the long haul) and a stress (when I deal with the day-to-day).
I'm just so conflicted!
-- Edited by MaestraJ on Saturday 18th of January 2014 02:10:32 AM
I can relate, too. One night, after a violent rant that my 3 year old at the time got of bed to see, I was done, done, done. Something in me said that I was born to be free and living like a caged animal with a crazy man who could get away with anything and everything because there truly was no one to stop him helped me see that I could stop him by moving him out and me on. I learned I had choices - two most important to me at the time - I was free to stay in that circumstance cowering and walking on eggshells or I could opt for the unknown and be free that way. I chose to be free of living with a person who was hooked into drugs and alcohol. I found myself again and although I looked back from time to time, I never went back. I've never regretted my choice to move him out and to move on.
Going to meetings is working for you! (((S)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 17th of January 2014 02:20:47 PM
Hey grateful, I saw the title of this post and read yours and i thought about when I was "done" with this insanity....My turning point was when AH #1 was so bad, I had to leave the house, at night in my sleep t-shirt one evening , thank god it was down to my ankles b/c the cops picked me up...they were so nice, I just broke down and told them what i was living with and i hated it...hated having to walk on egg shells, hated the insanity of my life, that life HAD to be better then this, an they listened to me and agreed...NOBODY should have to live with someone who refuses to help himself an is only an a-hole in life...useless a-hole making others miserable....I cried on them for hours and finally I told them it was ok to bring me back, soon as I got my IRS check I was outta there an would be "careful" with him till I could leave....they came in the house with me and he was up....and scared to see me with two cops....they told him to leave me the hell alone or they would be watching him big time...any slips and he was gonna be taken in.....AND in front of him, they told me anytime I needed help, to call.....oh yea, they were disgusted w/this useless, mean piece of crap.......That was maybe the catalyst for my driving around town, looking for rentals, I was soo anxious for my check to come waiting and waiting, i just jumped in my car and i found that nice lady who "bartered" me for about 3 or so mos. rent if I wold fix up the place.....deal made, and i was outta there.....I never forgot what the cops said to me....they knew I wanted out...was getting out...but they told me that life is just too short to live like that...that nobody should have to deal with that kind of crap...abuse, chaos, drama, stress, misery all the time, walking on egg shells...I was DONE with it....they both told me where there is a will there is a way....and they would make sure i got a safe getaway if i wanted to go that night....I told them I had no place to go that night, but this was it...I was gonna come up w/something...borrow...do something to get out and I did....I never looked back.......my 2nd AH was sweet to me...he never abused me, never got nasty w/me, in fact we had FUN together, but sadly he didn't want to get into AA as I wanted Alanon so I told him, i loved him dearly, he was my BESTEST friend, but I wanted us both to get help....he didn't want it...i told him he had to move out...I was gonna get help for my problems and find out WHY in the HECK I thought I had to live w/alcoholics, even tho he was sweet, what was wrong with ME to think I couldn't do any better in life???? i mean there HAD to be better then this or QUIT....be by myself......now i am separated from ALL things alcohol....someone gave me a bottle of wine...i sipped some NY eve, and got all icky feeling and i dumped the stuff.......my life is of peace....i can come and go...play my music....get on my Iphone and take vids of my pets and play my games...I have PEACE...I will NEVER, thanks to program showing me I deserve waaay better then that life, go back to it....if i smell alcohol in a guy??? I am GONE....i don't even want friends doing that....my dear friend next door changed his life around.....he quit drinking....is working out and told me that he feels so much better, breaking off with these guys who only wanted to party...he said he got into hanging out and drinking w/them and now he has gotten rid of all the drinkers, he says he feels so much better...no hangovers...no late to work.....life CAN change, but i had to choose it...I had to get sick enough of the crap to leave it behind me for good.....all i did was complain about my miserable life, i became a professional victim, I think, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired......so i did something about it.....now ,with program, anyone who drinks more than the rare occasion and its ONE drink, I am gun shy about...................JUST saying......take what you can use and leave the rest.....there IS a better way...a better life....alanon will show you how to do it.........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too feel such relief when my husband falls asleep after a bout of drinking. It is obvious you are not alone. Thankfully my husband does not get horribly angry or violent when drinking. But, I hate the way he seems like a stranger and all of his behavior is so out if character. When he falls asleep I just feel this wash if relief and peace come over me. It is my goal to get to a point where I can have that sense if peace even if he is drinking.
-- Edited by In The Forest on Saturday 18th of January 2014 11:52:18 AM
