The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As mentioned, this is my first time to post anything. I have an AW that I love very much who is sober 55 weeks now, and we are having some problems. We have been married 21 years and have had a wonderful marriage in all aspects, but the disease got to be too much and she got help a year and half ago. Here we are over a year later since sobriety, and she seems to be calmer, but emotions toward our relationship have gone almost completely silent. We don't touch anymore, kiss or hug, and haven't had sex in over 5 months, and only one time since April. Our physical relationship has always been fantastic prior. She said she was going to talk to her sponsor about these issues so we may move forward.
She does, and sponsor, who is a lesbian, asks my AW "Well, are you sure you're not gay?" Of course AW says no way in the world. But my problem with this, at least in my opinion, is that the line of questioning from sponsor seems wrong on so many levels. Here we are with a great marriage for 19 years with two kids, and now we're dealing with the disease and this is the way the sponsor helps her supposedly work through her issues? I mean, am I the only one who thinks this is completely inappropriate? I would like to hear from someone with experience. Thanks.
My AW is sober 2 months. We are rebuilding a poor relationship that we had before. Part of that is getting my recovery together. Two things that I think will make us closer: me having better self-esteem from my recovery since I don't blame myself for her drinking nor do I claim responsibility for her not relapsing. Also now I know how to approach her better,iI've been able to do some venting to others in and after Alanon meetings about her former active alcoholism, and don't feel the need to rehash it with her, which just makes her feel more ashamed than she already makes herself feel.
You mentioned that your wife is talking to her sponsor about this. What are you doing about it?
Peace
Kenny
Have you attended any Alanon meetings? It takes awhile for an A to live their life sober. Must be a new experience for her and you.
Just because the sponsor asked if she was gay, doesn't make it so or not. An alcoholic did everything in their life while they were high, they were not present. I noticed that you didn't seem that upset that she was a drinker. You might want to get answers for yourself thru Alanon, just attend a face to face meeting, to try and understand what your sober wife may be going thru.
Good luck to you Bettina
-- Edited by Beatrice on Thursday 16th of January 2014 03:33:54 PM
This lady, now sober is learning a whole new way of life....similiar to me as a codapendent when I got into recovery, I was never "present" for life b4...zoning out on music or movies, or fantasy, slodging through life, not living, just existing, not experiencing being really me
NOW I am but it did happen magically over night....no i am not an alkie, but I am a co-addict who had mental/emotional problems, deluxe.....getting into recovery and learning how to live healthy was so very hard and strange for me, i found myself so exhausted from re-living all the horrible memories, and feeling feelings that had freezer burn on them they had been so frozen for so long....I didn't know how to feel....learning how to be a human being for the first time was so exhausting for me, for a LONG time I did nothing but work, do recovery and rest....I felt like a tarantula spider , molting...shedding my old unwanted skin (my old way of thinking) and the pushing and pushing that old skin that the spider has to do to get to the next level of growth, when it is finished with THAT molting (it molts its entire life) it is exhausted, unable to hardly move, and i felt the same way.....I was too tired to do stuff that I was doing "all messed up as a codependent" b/c i was facing life..i was facing me...i was facing how badly screwed up i was over the affects of my childhood , drunken mother, monster of a father, marrying into drinking....the sickness for me continued until recovery
why don't you give alanon a chance and get to know you, find you, b/c all those years with her had to have affected you...she needs her program and you need yours....
as to the "lesbian" sponsor, if your wife says "no way" on that, then that should be the end of it..perhaps she asked her that b/c of the sex , or lack thereof, issues you have....i wouldn't put any worries on it, I would not give it further thought unless something inappropriate happened...I am a coda., i am always thinking the worst case scenario b/c iln the old days that was usually what i got....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Aloha Kenny welcome to the board...Your post reminds me of stuff I was told when I first got into Al-Anon...things like "you only have to change one thing in your life...everything" and the other affirmation "Recovery changes everything" and it did for me. I didn't 'know anything about "recovery" and so I didn't know how to participate and became an anchor to my alcoholic/addict's sobriety..she eventually went back out over it. I thought that only she had "a problem" while the real truth was that alcoholism affects everything it comes into contact with. While I was in a heap of denial and offended that there was something I was responsible for in "our" disease the question "So what is your part in it" intrigued me and I wanted to know bad. The suggestion of face to face Al-Anon meetings is very appropriate as both program are almost mirror images of each other just with different focuses. You can find the hotline number for Al-Anon in the white pages of your local telephone book and some at at the same time and same location as AA meetings...you go for yourself only. Keep coming back here and your communications with your wife might open up better than it is right now. Its not always easy and it sure is worth it. ((((hugs))))
Onmysignal, the question from the sponsor isn't going to make her gay if she's not. On the flip side, if she was gay, wouldn't you want her to know that? A challenge of loving someone in recovery is that we want them to recover but it's REALLY threatening that that recovery might take them down a path which makes them distant from us. For me, it has helped to do my best to take myself out of the equation (as much as I can being human and flawed) and pray that a loved one with an addiction finds whatever answers they need to be whole, happy, and sober....even if it results in me having to cope with not being as invested in their life (and don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that's happening or is going to happen here...).
People go through lots of changes emotionally, physically, and spiritually in sobriety. Essentually, they have to find themselves all over again. That can mean lots of things. Sometimes people have problems being sexual in early sobriety because they haven't had sex much sober before and it's difficult to be that vulnerable and intimate sober. I might think since she has over a year sober now, it could be explored through marital therapy and/or with her doctor if its an arrousal issue.
Aside from that, what alanon can do is offer you some serenity and peace of mind with being powerless over her addiction and also over where her recovery takes her. Perhaps really look into alanon. She is going to go in whatever direction she is going to go in and hopefully that is good for your marriage and her recovery but there's no guarantee. There is a guarantee that you could find support, fellowship, your own sponsor, and a better spiritual connection through your involvement in alanon.
You have received some great ESH here, I do hope you can dive into your al-anon recovery program and focus on taking good care of you. There are local meetings you can find if you are not already attending the phone number is under my sign in name here. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome to Miracles in Progress and Al-Anon OnMySignal. Getting involved with your program while your wife is involved with hers will give you compassion for alcoholics and you'll have a deeper understanding of what's going on. There are meetings all over in every neighborhood as well as online and email. Also, attending 'open' AA meetings is helpful too. Meetings and reading the daily readers & literature really saved my own sanity.
For some women, alcohol is a way to anesthetize / dissociate from past sexual traumas...and the only way they can "get through" sex is when they have a buzz on...less likely to trigger nasty feelings and memories...
Since 1 in 4 women have had something happen to them like that...and often either repress it or do not discuss it...that may be a possibility in your case..certainly a sensitive subject.....
I know some marital counselors suggest prohibiting sex so that couples can rebuild intimacy, friendship, etc...this may free partners up from the pressure of sexual performance, or being pushed into sex which they know they should do, but are not ready for.
