Crazy Thinking - Al-Anon Family Group

mongowal · Veteran Member

Crazy Thinking

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs .. and welcome to the keen alcoholic mindset .. you are talking to the disease not to the man .. it wants what it wants and it's not going to take anything else into consideration.

As far as counseling, .. I can't tell you if it will or won't work .. if THAT's the mindset going into counseling I seriously doubt that he's going to get anything out of counseling because he's going to be to busy pointing the finger at everyone and everything except himself. Usually the best kind of counselor to go to is an addictions counselor because they are going to know best how to redirect the thinking. I just remember going to counseling with my first ex and the counselor came out and announced I needed to be nicer to him .. umm .. ok .. did he mention he had beat me and that's why were weren't together? So .. the craziness comes in weird forms.

Now .. counseling for YOU that is a different ball of wax .. if you feel that you want to go then that's what you need to do .. he's going to go or not go .. how are you going to continue to work your program of recovery.

do you have a sponsor, go to meetings, work your steps? Checking motives is the best way for me to figure out what I'm trying to control and what I have to accept.

Hugs, S :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think you may be on to something -- I think you may be right that you're trying to control the process. It's certainly a natural instinct. We all want things to come out the way we want them to.

It sounds as if your AH is unclear about why he wants to separate so he is just seizing things that come into his mind. And it's clear that none of them is a big deal or even right in itself. But that's the best he can do because he doesn't know enough about his own inner workings to say what's really going on with him. So he just grasps at whatever he's got.

My experience, through four marriage counselors that we saw, two of whom were good, was that unless the A gets himself into a formal program of recovery and works it hard, counseling can't change anything. For counseiling to work, the people have to be clear-headed and unsecretive and undeceptive. But alcoholism is a disease of insane thinking, secrets, and lies. That's in addition to the fact that even very good counselors often have no direct experience of alcoholism, and so they really can't cope with it, but they don't know that. (For one thing, if they really knew about addiction, they'd say straight out, "This counseling will not be worth very much unless the alcoholic is also committed to a formal program of recovery.") One of our counselors bought my husband's line and would ask me, "Why do you always think your husband is drinking? Are you oversensitive to drinking?" Yes, like I'm "oversensitive" to my husband drunk and passed out on the living room floor. Another one believed my husband when he said, "Well, I really hardly drink at all, but since she's objecting, I'll just stop." The counselor turned to me and said, "So, what else is bothering you?" Like that just took care of the problem. What a lot of time and money and especially hope I wasted.

The truth is that most people, when they're unhappy in a relationship, don't totally know why. But that doesn't make them any happier.

We're fixers and it's no wonder that we want to fix our relationships. I did the thinking for both sides of mine for many years. What I was trying to do was to avoid the emotions that came with the relationship going bad -- fear, grief, shame, panic. I would have done practically anything to avoid them.

My guess is that the really important (and possible) thing right now is to take good care of yourself. Do you have a meeting? A sponsor? We all need support in these difficult times. Hugs.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cunning, baffling and powerful is the perfect description of this disease. Please keep taking care of your self . Work your program , pray and know that the best of HP's will for you is yet to come

Keep coming back

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree w Serenity that a lot of that sounds like the disease talking and you know, there's no point in talking back! Focusing on you, what you want and need in your life, a program of recovery for you.

wishing you strength and support

YF

mongowal · Veteran Member

I do attend two f2f meetings a week. I currently do not have a sponsor due to my inability to trust another person enough to be honest with them on how I'm feeling. I'm very good at slapping a smile on my face telling everyone I'm good when in reality I'm in a very dark place and what to just cry. I just have not found the right person to be my sponsor yet.

I believe you are right that counseling is not going to fix the underlying issue, which is his addictions. He is very good at finger pointing mostly towards me. Counseling is not going to fix that, at most I see it fixing communication which really can't happen when AH is so secretive and lies. I guess I'm just scared to let him go and I need to and let his HP take care of him. I'm trying to force an outcome that may not be what my HP has planned for me. Thank you all for ESH, I appreciate it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Mongowal)))) You're qualified!! Sucks and doesn't feel good huh? Alcohol is a mind, mood and behavioral altering chemical and it sounds like that is what you're dealing with mostly. There might be other problems also however as you already know the drinking has to stop first. That's a good boundary and request and having those without expectations is healthy. I like your perception...it sounds 20/20 and you see the picture clearly "Crazy Thinking"...his for reason...he's drinking. He is the one that is questioning should he or shouldn't he. You can make your plans and decisions inspite of this though. You can still know even when he doesn't. Some of what you mention sounds like he might be on the pity pot and poor meeees. Keep working your recovery...cry when you have to...you won't get demerits...look for a sponsor you relate to and trust. Isn't easy and sure is worth it. Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We cannot rationalize insanity! I used to analize all my AH did and said too.

Thru al Anon I learned it is his disease talking, he doesn't even know what he is talking about. I also researched what alcohol and different other drugs do to our bodies.

Our bodies are almost all water, must have water to function correctly. When it is saturated with alcohol it cannot make any sense in any way.

We forget this person is talking with a brain that is damaged or being compromised by a drug. I said the usual back, you might be right. Oh really? That must feel bad.

Remember we can do NOTHING to help them. The disease is not something we can control or figure out.

It just hit me when I realized he has a horrible disease, he did not choose it. My love for him stayed strong with much compassion.

good share! thank you, debilyn

SpiderArcana · Senior Member

I understand how confused the disease makes you, and agree with Debilyn. You cannot fix it, control it, or make sense of it. I am struggling with accepting this every day. I know he's poisoning himself. Hell, he knows he's poisoning himself (I was floored when we talked about that). However, it is 100% out of your control. The only thing you can control is what is acceptable to have in your life, and what is not. Focus on that, on what makes you happy, and what you need.

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