This Is So So Sad - Al-Anon Family Group

oldergal · Senior Member

This Is So So Sad

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

If there is no other facility that can get them the food ...I'd send it from Hawaii myself...basic stuff...no fluff...just life sustaining stuff. This sounds near enough like my eldest son and his relapse condition which is a huge mess (always is) and we're listening for HP direction along with the programs. I agree with So So Sad. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is I would always bring them food. Especially because there are kids involved! Never give them money though.

I was a widow, my mother always brought us "I care" packages. (c: what I was going to say is you may want to take her shopping, tell her how much you have to spend. Let her pick what they eat. My mother was great but I hated her to waste money on things we would not or could not eat. Everyone has their own eating/cooking style.

You could take her and hang out or do some shopping yourself. I am saying this as she may be embarrassed.

It's wonderful of you to want to help get them food! I can tell you my Mother kept doing this till the day she died, I mean giving to me and the kids. It was always so much fun, and appreciated. She always brought boxes of stuff. Even for the animals too.

She got creative and brought us new socks, soap, special things for the kids. God I miss her.

Your son is very sick, I am so sad about that. He would want you to help his kids and wife I am sure. They have to have their primary needs met no matter what, Meaning kids and mom. that is my feeling! much love,debilyn who now has enough chickens so she gives dozens away to her neighbors! lol

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((OG))) It is very sad and anything but easy. When thinking of boundaries, I check my motives and if the action is something that can be done by the other person. Your point is valid.

From another perspective, it could also be an opportunity for quality time with the kids if it would make you happy to have them over for dinner. (I don't know if they live close by or if it's a viable option.) It's a different circumstance, but my daughter and I cherish our Sunday suppers when our schedules permit.

oldergal · Senior Member

Kids are too far to have over, but I should send a gift card for the grocery store. Im a grama and I feel so deeply that I need to see that the kids are taken care of, but at the same time is my son depending on me and knows I will come to the rescue. I am torn.....og

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

From another side of the fence, when my then-AH burned and crashed, I had mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I would have been so grateful if someone were to have considered inviting me and my daughter for a meal, or asking if I was ok with food. Something caring. One the other hand, in my case, I would have had difficulty accepting help... but that's a different story.

I imagine that it could be debated if a limited temporary help would have been enabling overall. Ask you HP for guidance and keep doing the next right thing. Sending prayers for courage and wisdom.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a very important thread...I sure do want to see others responses. (((hugs))) smile

cwya · Senior Member

OG, you don't indicate what kind of work your son does or if he is unemployed because he is unemployable as a dry drunk because he wont attempt recovery. So much depends on the answers to those questions that I hesitate to make assumptions. IMHO the situation you describe is becoming the new normal for this country. There are not enough jobs for everyone to be employed who needs a job. I grew up hearing the coping strategies from the depression as my mother lived through it on our family farm. Its how I survive today. The girls in the family always had dates so they fed the "townies" dinner. There was an elaborate mechanism to share resources amongst neighbors through barter. My aunt babysat for mending, my mom taught music for store items etc. I give to others when my motives are clean. Remember, the kids arent alcoholics so you're not enabling to feed them. We are slowly going back to that kind of economy. What work could you barter ffor grocery cards, dinners etc. with your daughter in law and son. Do you have friends who could use their skills or is it your son is too sick to work. Most towns have food banks, all churches have referral to agencies, charities etc. if not their own programs for the poor. Ask if friends need things your daughter in law could do and she need not be embarrassed as she is working. We're all in this together! I always ask what my motives are and if I cant give without strings I don't give. But those kids cant work and they only have you 2 to feed them. I hope I don't sound preachy. I'm tired and should have maybe not shared so much. I get wordy. Good luck!

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

Where I live we have food banks that will help people with low or no income. They would could probably get help from the state with WIC - if the children are under 5 and food stamps. I too would not give them money but a gift card might be helpful, only if they buy food and nothing else. I do think also that churches would help too.

oldergal · Senior Member

His wife is 6 months pregnant, and he just seems not to want to work, he has lots of issues because he is a dry drunk and never talks to anyone. The is work if he wants it. ....... og

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sending you much love and support! This is a hard one because kids are involved, a gift card can buy cigarettes and alcohol though. I am unsure.

mm830 · Senior Member

What about ordering the groceries online and having them delivered if you really feel that you want to get them food but food only? Unless you are okay with them using the gift card for things like cigarettes and alcohol at the store, and I hate that I even think like that. They can also apply for assistance, food assistance, food banks etc. I believe there are some community programs where you can buy food for the week for a very low cost, maybe twenty five dollars to feed a family, and the supplies are supposedly pretty good. I would be torn too because of the kids, but if you do it once you know how that goes too. Ugh. There are no easy answers.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

OG:

I am thinking also that ordering groceries online directly and having them delivered may be an option. With kids involved I would also want to provode food. Wishing you lots of strength and support.

YF

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, OG. I know this is a tough one. I also don't know that I'd buy food or send a gift card until I knew more from the wife. I'd ask her how things are going if she hadn't already told me. I'd also ask if they have food and if not, are there shelters or food banks available in the area? They can also get food stamps depending on the income. I'd also ask her in what ways she saw I could help if at all? Then, I'd make my choice based on what she told me.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with grateful...I would do some inquiry with the wife, then bring the conversation back to us and we can problem solve together, one step at a time. As a grandma, I know how helpless you must feel.

mm830 · Senior Member

Another thought on this is if they did qualify for some assistance with food, possibly medical expenses etc due to low income, they would be connected with job assistance programs and people in a better position to help, if that make sense. You are in a position to love your son and family no matter what, take care of yourself and give what you feel good about, but the community services could help with job placement, retraining, possibly programs for the kids. And they are in that field work with it every day. There is no shame in getting some help to get your family back on their feet. Hugs and prayers this has to be hard on everyone.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree with Grateful. That is what I was going to say.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a neighbor who helps "needy" people, problem is, she has no criteria for qualification as needy. For one particular family, she opens the food bank for them to get what they want, they are on food stamps, they get other types of government assistance and a friend at the local market reports that they come in to buy cigarettes, red bull, 12 packs of beer and lottery tickets on a daily basis. My siblings discussed whether each of us should send our mother a certain amount of money each month to help out and as one sib put it - she'd only have more money to throw away on bingo, I'm not going to strap my family so she can do that!

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

Tough Subject...

From My Own Experience, I have an ABrother, that is in some of the Same Boat as Your Son, however he Still Drinks! His Job Lays him off every year for months on end, and he never looks for work cause he can still get his Beer with unemployment, they have 3 kids, 10-13... My Cody Mom ALWAYS is Taking them Something, and before they get to desperate he ALWAYS Calls her first to Fix ALL his Problems! because that's Easy... He too Could get help from Churches & Food Banks, but He would expect my mom to do that for him too!

I Like the Barter Idea... What can they do (The parents) to "Pay it Forward" in their Times of Struggles so you can help them with Food! If He isn't willing to work & She is, maybe Contact the Local unemployment board in their Area, and Give her Idea's or Help in Locating a Job! Encourage her to do what she has to do! If she is Living with a dry drunk, and expecting another baby they can't afford now! She may be Excited to Bring in money to take some stress off her Mind! And Help get her Out & Feeling Worthy of...

This Disease is a Tough one, but I Also Agree that if you take the time to talk to your HP, and Really Listen! Your Answers will come, and Some May Surprize you! So Much Good Stuff on this Thread, I Hope it is Helpful... There is Always a Way to Make sure the kids are Safe, and Fed... But Sometimes its Not Ours to Cover, its theirs... Other times, it is Left to us... Do they Have a Neighbor you know, or Friend/Family of theirs Close to them you can Trust? Maybe they Could help you make sure they are Getting Food! HP Always Leaves Choices... And Open Windows... Just have to find the Right one to Crawl into... :)

Continued Prayers ....

Friends In Recovery...

Jozie

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know they can get food stamps.....my son does and I can't believe it. Also when you go to the welfare office they do in right away....emergency relief EBT.

But until then get the gift card for food and send it to your daughter in law.

That's my take....

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

If you want to buy food, buy stuff you know he really doesn't like? That's how I avoid ABF eating everything I buy for myself and child. Grainy gluten-free breads and avocados and fruit and vegetables that need to be cooked and..well, you get the idea

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow, this a tough one. I agree with grateful. If a you have a good relationship, talk to your daughter in law, ask HER what her and the kids need. In your position, I could not allow my grand kids to be hungry.....

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think having groceries delivered is a good idea. This way you know it is only food and nothing else. Lots of good suggestions. I hope things work out.

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