What Do You Think? - Al-Anon Family Group

oldergal · Senior Member

What Do You Think?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I told my children and my grand children that "I know about the subject" and if they ever have a question about it we can sit an talk and or I can introduce them to lots of people who can help them understand. Were about ready to do that again. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was always real and honest with my kids, if they asked I told them. Just like my Mother was with me.

good question, hugz, debilyn

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

would check into the age .. good to be honest but this may be a question best guided between alanon and possible outside resources .. not advice, just my thinking .. would love to break the family secret to my daughter her dad used drugs but don't know about the age or approach .. not sure she will comprehend everything i'm saying but know when she does know, there will be freedom .. i still have questions myself regarding this issue .. still looking into things ..

cwya · Senior Member

What my sponsor always told me on the alcoholic's secrets (assuming s/he's not in the home) are his to share and not my business otherwise it feels like passive aggressiveness. It is unlikely that a child who's old enough will notice the difference between drunk and sober, so really not much of a secret. If the alcoholic is still using the kids shouldn't be exposed. If alcoholic behavior impacting them then I think its important to explain the Jekyl/Hyde of sober/drunk without taking the alcoholic's inventory. If I'm the mom, I was open about my alcoholism and my son attended ala-tot and alateen. The truth is preferable always except when child too young to understand, then not appropriate it seems to me. When my son was old enough and there was a good reason to talk about it I did. We're only as sick as our secrets.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I've told my son bits and pieces of my past. Nothing about drunken parties in college or anything but I told him that 'yes, I did drink' but I also tell him how I quit smoking and how I did it because I made a commitment to myself and how important it was to stay true to those words. I tell him about the health challenges I faced even while so young, because of the smoking, etc.

I come from a very open family. I know A LOT of my mom's questionable behavior, because she chose to tell me. We can all laugh about those things now but I think sharing on an age appropriate level is OK. Obviously, with young children there's no need but my son started questioning things when he hit 13 so I try to be honest without revealing the depth of the behavior or without going into details.

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

I Can't Say one way or the other what is Good for Someone Else, But For ME! I Was Lied to By my Parents ALL My life about thier Addictions and what not, and when My Son came along, I Made a Promise to My HP that I Would NOT Be that Parent... If He Ask, I Would be a Honest as I Could! I Do However at times Ask him... Why do you ask? because I want to make sure we are on the Same Page... I Don't want to OVER Speak what he is asking!

When My AFather Past he was 11yrs, old and I DID Tell him when he ask Why Pap Pay Died So Young, I told him he was an Alcoholic... And He Knows I Go to Al-Anon to Better My Choices, and I have Not Denied My Past to Him "IF He ask" And if it is Not In Anger... I Believe It is My Job to Educate him to the Best of My Ability whether it Be Good, Bad or Others wise!

My Opinion... Only YOU Know what your Kids can Handle & What they Can't! but I Feel if Things are done in the Correct Tone, the Correct atmosphere, and with Love... They will see & Come to Understand "the Vast Nature of Our Wrongs" and Be Grateful to know, that even tho we are Not Perfect, We Are Human... And WE ALL Make Mistakes we must pay for... But if We Can Show them How "we" struggled & How "we" Overcame! That's the Miriacle that then can Show them HOPE ;)

Friends in Recovery... Keep Coming Back ;)

Jozie

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son turned 13 in July. My AW had told him last year what was happening. She was honest and straightforward. I was proud of her, it was one of the first real things I had seen her do after she had become an A.

However, she relapsed earlier this year. I told her it was her business to tell him what had happened, and she never did. When I went on a business trip about 600 miles away, he called me and told me he thought mom was drunk, and she was. It was disheartening to and scarey to him, he thought everything was "fixed" from the first time she went to inpatient and she told him.

He has had to do some growing up, because to visit his mom at the next inpatient center, we had to go through family education. So now he knows everything, and has started to understand what this disease is all about. AlaTeen is a once-a-week thing a long ways away, so we haven't done any of that for him - yet.

I don't know what I would do different if I did all that over again. I do think it is the A's responsibility to tell the kids, otherwise it does look like we are sticking our nose in their recovery. But if the A isn't in recovery, I suppose it doesn't matter much, and the kids need to be told age appropriately what is going on, perhaps even for their own safety.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a hard one og, im sorry, you must be worried for your grandchildren. When my kids were young my ex was in and out of work due to his alcoholism but I was a control freak and basically took charge of everything so food was never short but my mum would bring shopping, I always thought this was just her being kind and just being a mum but looking back maybe she was worried, I cant remember her ever bringing my sister shopping. If I had got an inkling of her being worried my pride would have meant I would have been angry and possibly fallen out with her. If she was alive I would ask her about this. I would go along with talking to your sons partner about it. Its hard because when were trying to allow the natural consequences that stimulate growth in a person how can we intervene with a clear conscience? Will intervening mean that this happens again and again? Or can you sit tight for a while? Or is it wrong knowing their are children in the situation? Im sorry og, wish I had more wisdom to help. I know you will makw the right decision.x

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry, this was a reply to the other post, having trouble with the mobile site.x

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