The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
was just on my mind as I spoke with my wife about Sunday's "Day in Al-Anon" event. It was triggered this time by language on the TV especially the word "Bitch". That reminded me that Sunday after the event was over one of the elder newcomers approached me with a question written down on a piece of paper. She wanted my feedback because I said as I often do that when I got into Al-Anon I didn't know anything about alcohol or alcoholic or alcoholism...couldn't spell it or pronounce it. I didn't know that it was about disease and expressed that my alcoholic/addict was just a "Bitch" until I accepted that she was sick instead with a life threatening disease.
The question was "What is a man's definition of the word Bitch". I knew why she was asking it and I needed to be there for her. I explained that along with the definition being a female dog that used in anger or rage and under the influence it usually meant to be a "put down" and devaluation of a womans status and value making her "less than". While I spoke to her I watched her face and how her eyes and lips moved and then I asked, "Are you being called this...a Bitch" and she said yes with a tinge of defiance which was great because she still had some fight in her and unwillingness to believe what the alcoholic was throwing at her. She had courage to address the subject with a man who had called his own wife that out of rage and anger and frustration. There was nothing left to do other than to appologize to her for the lie, the wrong doing. "I was wrong and so is he...you are not a Bitch, You are a child of God...I am sorry for saying it". She was grateful and so am I. In Al-Anon I learned how to say "I am angry" which was the truth instead of the lie...my wife was a sick person with a life threatening disease and a child of God who would rather not have gone thru what she did and how.
Compassion is a major lesson which took my power and control and manipulation along with a self righteous attitude to almost zero. Thanks for letting me share. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 14th of January 2014 01:44:08 AM
We had a talk over the dinner table, around the topic of political correctness- and what we can and can't say...
sometimes it is about the way we say things... and the feelings within.... I am not going to break all the rules here! Sometimes in the rooms i hear words, from women, I was taught not to say. But in the context it is okay- at least okay for me...
...we went to the pool before tea. M So was meeting up with a colleague there. I went in first and handed the card over. I said "one for me and one for the 'old sheila' just coming through the door..."
My So is very very staunch. The word I used is an Irish name and was used aeons ago when the Irish were right at the bottom of the social pecking order.
But the way I used it- the timing, allowed me to 'get away with it'. Was a time in my life when mean, and weird things would come out of my mouth unbidden. I also had the unhappy knack of really brassing people off with my words, and actions.
Years of sharing and caring have knocked most of the rough edges off. I always had a gentle disposition- and this has emerged out of the rubble.
Like 'How do you get an Aussie out of a bathtub?' You chuck in a cake of soap.
Well... our lives were made to relax, and to have fun... sometimes... ... we have a lot to contend with... all of us have been to hell, and back...
I don't like women using that term any more than I like men using it. I don't like women using terms for men that are derogatory either. And yet -it is what it is. People say what they say when they say it. I'm just happy to know there are some men and some women who refer to each other as human beings rather than something they're not - if not all the time - at least most of the time. When someone calls me a dog, I know they've lost their minds. I stand upright, don't eat dog biscuits, don't chase cars, and don't sniff my friends. I don't like being with people who've lost their minds. I've learned to move on to honor myself. Glad you let the gal know that somebody in her life is confused and mistaken about who she is and what she is. Perhaps, with program, she'll move on, too?
Thank you so very much for you beautifully expressed share. You were a gift to that person at your meeting as you are such a gift to all here at MIIP.
After reading yours and David's reflection on the use of various words, I must reflect on my former (before alanon) _use of the words and feelings of anger, compassion and empathy.
First of all I found that I turned all what I considered negative emotions: like sadness, confusion, apathy, loneliness, fear into anger It was easy to express anger and made me feel powerful.
Compassion I mixed up completely with taking care of . I felt the pain of the other people and in order to stop MYSELF from feeling the pain I had to fix the problems in everyone else. I truly thought that was feeling empathy and compassion. How wrong!!!
Today, thanks to this program , the steps and tons of hard work I understand how to feel,and express feeling of anger, sadness, fear without holding them in and hurting myself. . I can have great compassion and empathy for others without trying to fix them. I have the grand principles of alanon to offer them in support What a fantastic program
Thank you for sharing this is a good reminder to me that I need to have compassion for my AH as he is sick and this disease has taken control of him. Instead of being angry and resentful, I need to be more compassionate and forgiving.
I made amends this morning with my deceased first husband as a result of this posting and accompanying shares. I took out my anger and loneliness out on him, often "teasing" him and shaming him in front of friends and family. My tongue was a weapon that I used to belittle him. Now, I know better and I do better. Thanks for listening.
Jerry, what a kind and insightful gift you gave. It is not the answer I might have given, and I was enlightened by your response to her. Thank you. Betty, your comment, too, was enlightening to me. I have grown up with my AH believing him to the compassionate, empathetic one, as he often implied and his actions seemed to affirm. All his life he's been in a mad frenzy to make everything alright for everybody else. It drove him to drink! But, it's clear to me now that he, though he truly does care for others, was more driven by his own pain and the belief that if he could fix others' problems he would find peace in himself. Of course, that's a fallacy, not compassion and not an excuse to drink. But, your words, Betty, helped me to understand, let go, and accept that my love is just as valuable expressed my way. Thanks to you both!
arohanui...