The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My adult son has asked for some space as his life "crumbles around him" (his words) - according to him, I apparently bear some of the blame for his problems and situation and he feels bad whenever we talk - I haven't discussed with him whether him blaming me is reasonable or not - but I have honored his request for space and only occasionally text him with an "I love you" message - while I go on with my life and my other grown-and-gone kids and my grandkids and my work, I'm finding that instead of his situation being in the forefront of my mind 24x7 like it always used to be, I have periods during my days when I am able to focus on and enjoy other things, and his problems and his situation don't consume every minute of my thoughts.
When I realize that I've "forgotten" about him and his problems for a few hours, I feel guilty - I feel like I've abandoned him, or given up on him. I work on learning about detachment, and I think I'm trying to practice detachment, and even though I don't consciously make an effort to "forget" about him, it happens - I guess maybe the Program is at work in me behind the scenes so that I'm maybe not even aware that it's working - but the guilt still comes.
Is this guilt part of how the disease affects me? Is this the way detachment is supposed to work? I am pretty sure that the guilt is unwarranted, but I'd sure like some confirmation about that.
Only he can know the consequences of his behavior. Its ok to have a life and not think of him 24/7. As a Mother I know you want to protect him, but it won't get him sober.
Continue as your doing and as you keep on practicing detachment you will be surprised as to what your HP has in store for all of you.
I did it all the time.....day in and day out. The guilt is strong but you can overcome it. You are not one bit at fault no matter what you part was. He is the one addicted. He's the one that can't live on life's terms right now. He has to learn and you not giving him the dignity to do it is your addiction. You can own that one.
Let him go...and let HP help him.
(((( hugs ))))
PS: Even texting " I love you " got my son going.....he had enough guilt already. I didn't need to keep reminding him. He knows I love him.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Lots of prayers. Could be survivor guilt based on unknown facts? I have worked among many non-recovering As. I can tell you the ones I've met over the past 30 years aren't suffering as much as we think they are. They're going about their lives doing what they want to do bumming cigarettes, partying, hanging out with no responsibilities, eating where there are free meals, and deciding where their turf is when panhandling. Would I want to live that way? No. But, I can tell you that I have met few who really say "Gosh! My life is terrible and I'm going to do everything I can to make changes." That's been my experience. Maybe others have had a different one? Winter time is very hard on them and many make it hard on them because they don't want to follow the structure of shelters and end up sleeping in parks and doorways, but it is a choice they have made. They don't want "the man" telling them what to do.
Texas I learned that feelings are choices and when I first heard that I was confused with disbelief. I thought feelings came and went on their own power and then my sponsor said "Uh uh...you choose em". I learned to make other feeling choices also with feelings of guilt and shame that I had not already made amends and did apologies to. Feeling guilty was a habit and so I use to feel that and other negative feelings habitually, like I was addicted to it. When I accepted that they were choices I learned to change the choice to something else. Allowing myself mercy and margin with the help of the fellowship has gotten rid of alot of guilt and shame. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thanks all - I am working very hard on the HP stuff, especially Steps 3, 6, and 7 - I see the guilt as a shortcoming - I am also reminding myself almost constantly about, and asking my HP for the strength so I can give him the dignity to learn things on his own and make his own decisions.
I think a lot of my problem is that I've always wanted immediate gratification - when I was using drugs myself (not for 25+ years ago), I'd always take more so I'd get higher quicker - now, even though I trust that my HP loves my son and wants the best for him and is working for good in his life, it's not happening quickly enough to suit me - I need to learn patience, too.
Patience...I love that tool. It is the opposite of frustration which I hated when I practiced it. Patience has a great, serene and comfortable sound to it and in walking it I get to wait and watch miracles unfold without me messing around with it. HP would rather me not be messing around with it either. LOL (((((hugs)))))
